When they see me, they've always seen strength I possess.
I feel I've let them down,
But I cannot pretend.
They try to help because they want to see me fight.
But what happens if I'm weak?
If I've lost the will to fight?
The battle is waging, yet I want no part.
It's between life and death,
But I just want to watch.
I don't have the will nor the courage to stand.
Sometimes it's there and then it's gone again.
What must I do now? You're all that I have left.
Sometimes I don't want you,
But I know I need your help.
I cannot be strong as they want me to be;
I cannot fight the way they wish;
But help me find strength in the way that you lead,
And teach me to fight until my dying breath.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Más cerca de el Amanecer
Como ella estranguló la almohada y se retorcía en su cama.
Angustia era el único sentimiento que sabía
hasta dudas descolocada y vio la muerte de la verdad.
Se abrió el camino para las mentiras del diablo,
Opacidad de la verdad y cegándola ojos .
Podía sentir la envolvente oscuridad espesa la luz
Que ahora tenía dos opciones -. para dar o para luchar
Tenía tantas preguntas con respuestas que no se ven.
Deseó que Dios iba a despertar y encontrar que un sueño.
Pero ella no se despertó, la oscuridad era real .
Y su peso a su oprimido hasta que fue obligado a arrodillarse.
Ella cedió ante la oscuridad y dejó escapar un grito
De ensordecedor silencio que pidió, "¿Por qué"
Ella se hundió en el terreno en culpas agonía,
Darse cuenta de que estaba peligrosamente cerca de la blasfemia.
Luego recordó la oración del salmista: O Señor, ¿hasta cuándo?
Poniéndose de rodillas otra vez, ella le rogó a Dios,
E
lla le preguntó a un ángel para traer a los muertos la vida
Y después de esperar que no tiene respuesta, aceptó la noche.
Sus lágrimas fluían como el Diablo susurró mentiras,
Pero ella luchó en las rodillas con gritos ahogados.
Sus palabras fueron tomadas de ella como si de un hechizo.
La única palabra que recordaba, se aferró a:. AYUDA.
Y aunque envió un ángel, La vio una gran angustia; .
El Espíritu oró por ella con gemidos que no podía expresar.
Fue entonces cuando los demonios salieron y su control no era tan fuerte
Fue entonces cuando la oscuridad se convirtió en un poco menos oscuro y más cerca de el amanecer.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Closer to the Dawn
Memories and apparitions flooded her head
As she strangled her pillow and writhed in her bed.
Anguish was the only feeling she knew
Until doubt creeped in and saw the death of truth.
It cleared a path for the Devil's lies,
Clouding the truth and blinding her eyes.
She could feel the thick blackness envelope the light.
She now had two choices -- to give in or to fight.
She had so many questions with answers unseen.
She wished to God she would wake up and find this only a dream.
But she did not wake up; the darkness was real,
And its weight oppressed her until she was forced to kneel.
She buckled under the blackness and let out a cry
Of ear-splitting silence that demanded, "WHY?"
She sunk to the ground in blame-shifting agony,
Realizing she was dangerously close to blasphemy.
She then recalled the Psalmist's prayer: Oh Lord, how long?
Struggling to her knees again, she pleaded with God;
She asked Him for an angel to bring the dead to life
And after waiting with no answer, she accepted the night.
Her tears flowed as the Devil whispered lies,
But she fought on her knees with muffled cries.
Her words were taken from her as if by a spell.
The only word she remembered, she clung to: HELP.
And although He sent no angel, He saw her great distress;
The Spirit prayed on her behalf with groans she could not express.
It was then the demons left and their hold was not so strong.
It was then that the darkness became a little less dark and closer to the dawn.
Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
As she strangled her pillow and writhed in her bed.
Anguish was the only feeling she knew
Until doubt creeped in and saw the death of truth.
It cleared a path for the Devil's lies,
Clouding the truth and blinding her eyes.
She could feel the thick blackness envelope the light.
She now had two choices -- to give in or to fight.
She had so many questions with answers unseen.
She wished to God she would wake up and find this only a dream.
But she did not wake up; the darkness was real,
And its weight oppressed her until she was forced to kneel.
She buckled under the blackness and let out a cry
Of ear-splitting silence that demanded, "WHY?"
She sunk to the ground in blame-shifting agony,
Realizing she was dangerously close to blasphemy.
She then recalled the Psalmist's prayer: Oh Lord, how long?
Struggling to her knees again, she pleaded with God;
She asked Him for an angel to bring the dead to life
And after waiting with no answer, she accepted the night.
Her tears flowed as the Devil whispered lies,
But she fought on her knees with muffled cries.
Her words were taken from her as if by a spell.
The only word she remembered, she clung to: HELP.
And although He sent no angel, He saw her great distress;
The Spirit prayed on her behalf with groans she could not express.
It was then the demons left and their hold was not so strong.
It was then that the darkness became a little less dark and closer to the dawn.
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| Psalm 30:5 "Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning." |
Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Every Time You Run
At this stage in life, everything is changing. Friends are moving on, moving out, and at times it feels like my whole world is being turned upside-down. And I understand that these things are all normal; I mean, they have to happen sometime. But on top of all the normal changes, two very important people in my life are being taken away from me. My best friend who I talk to all the time and can tell anything to is moving to Washington for six month and I won't be able to see my other friend that I care so much about and feel deeply connected to for who knows how long.
I look at these losses and part of me thinks that maybe God is trying to get a hold of me. It seems I have been drifting in and out of touch with Him and maybe He is just burning all my bridges so that I have no choice but to come running back to Him. Sometimes that seems like the only way I will listen. I can be so stubborn sometimes. All the time....
There are days even now that I look at my life and think, "What do I even have left?" All too often I forget that He's still there.
It's so hard sometimes... to feel that connection with Him that I used to have. It just feels like I keep running away from God and he keeps waiting for me to hit rock bottom until he pulls me back. And each time rock bottom feels a little bit lower.
I feel like the Prodigal Son a lot of the time( only I would be the Prodigal Daughter, which just sounds weird.) Sometimes I wonder if he would have ever left again after he came back to his Father and his home. I know the children of Israel certainly did. Again and again. And each time they had to come to the end of themselves before they realized how much they really needed God. That's where I feel I am right now.
I was looking over pages in my journal last night and was reminded of why God lets us get to the end of ourselves before he pulls us back up. Six months ago, I wrote these words: The lesson of learning to lean on God is so important that God is willing to let us get down so low that we despair even of life to learn it. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 "...We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." Even Paul went through times in his life that he felt were too difficult to bear and even he despaired of life. But through all of it he was made stronger. Not stronger in his own strength, but stronger in his faith as he learned how to better rely on God.
There will be days when I look at my life and think, "What do I have left?", but He will still be there. There will be days when I look at everything I've been through and only see the rock bottoms, but He still helped me through them.
And there will be days when I feel lower than I've ever been, but these are the days when He is teaching me to rely on Him more than ever.
Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of the truths that never change and keep living with them in mind. Truths like:
My God is strong. My God does raise the dead. And my God stands with arms wide open, just like the Prodigal Son's Father, to receive me back no matter how many times I run.
"Every time you run, every time you hide
Every time it hurts, every time you cry
Every time you run away, every time you hide your face
And it feels so far away, I'm right here, with you."
~"Every time You Run
Manafest
I look at these losses and part of me thinks that maybe God is trying to get a hold of me. It seems I have been drifting in and out of touch with Him and maybe He is just burning all my bridges so that I have no choice but to come running back to Him. Sometimes that seems like the only way I will listen. I can be so stubborn sometimes. All the time....
There are days even now that I look at my life and think, "What do I even have left?" All too often I forget that He's still there.
It's so hard sometimes... to feel that connection with Him that I used to have. It just feels like I keep running away from God and he keeps waiting for me to hit rock bottom until he pulls me back. And each time rock bottom feels a little bit lower.
I feel like the Prodigal Son a lot of the time( only I would be the Prodigal Daughter, which just sounds weird.) Sometimes I wonder if he would have ever left again after he came back to his Father and his home. I know the children of Israel certainly did. Again and again. And each time they had to come to the end of themselves before they realized how much they really needed God. That's where I feel I am right now.
I was looking over pages in my journal last night and was reminded of why God lets us get to the end of ourselves before he pulls us back up. Six months ago, I wrote these words: The lesson of learning to lean on God is so important that God is willing to let us get down so low that we despair even of life to learn it. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 "...We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." Even Paul went through times in his life that he felt were too difficult to bear and even he despaired of life. But through all of it he was made stronger. Not stronger in his own strength, but stronger in his faith as he learned how to better rely on God.
There will be days when I look at my life and think, "What do I have left?", but He will still be there. There will be days when I look at everything I've been through and only see the rock bottoms, but He still helped me through them.
And there will be days when I feel lower than I've ever been, but these are the days when He is teaching me to rely on Him more than ever.
Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of the truths that never change and keep living with them in mind. Truths like:
My God is strong. My God does raise the dead. And my God stands with arms wide open, just like the Prodigal Son's Father, to receive me back no matter how many times I run.
"Every time you run, every time you hide
Every time it hurts, every time you cry
Every time you run away, every time you hide your face
And it feels so far away, I'm right here, with you."
~"Every time You Run
Manafest
Monday, August 12, 2013
My Hope
I feel like somebody just died. In a way somebody did.
Today marks the death of many hopes and dreams. Well, I know they won't be dead for long. Somehow, hope always finds me again even when I bury it six feet deep. But this time, I feel like I should bury it. This hope feels dangerous.
But I still have another Hope.
"Put your hope in God
For I will yet praise him--
My Savior and my God."
"Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be strong and take heart.
And wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14
Today marks the death of many hopes and dreams. Well, I know they won't be dead for long. Somehow, hope always finds me again even when I bury it six feet deep. But this time, I feel like I should bury it. This hope feels dangerous.
But I still have another Hope.
"Put your hope in God
For I will yet praise him--
My Savior and my God."
"Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be strong and take heart.
And wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14
Friday, August 2, 2013
Feel Again
Numb, breathless, and dead to the core,
I used to think I could feel no more
Until you brought me back to life.
Your clear vision and contagious light,
Your endless passion and love of life
Slowly drew me out of my shell.
Suffocating lies and despair dispelled,
Lifelessness chased away from where I fell,
And all that was left was Peace.
Fully surrounded by sudden bliss,
I looked up to find the war had ceased.
I am indebted to you, for I can feel again.
I used to think I could feel no more
Until you brought me back to life.
Your clear vision and contagious light,
Your endless passion and love of life
Slowly drew me out of my shell.
Suffocating lies and despair dispelled,
Lifelessness chased away from where I fell,
And all that was left was Peace.
Fully surrounded by sudden bliss,
I looked up to find the war had ceased.
I am indebted to you, for I can feel again.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
When Giving Up Is All We Want
Have you ever gotten to a point in life where you are just tired--tired of the frailties, the heartache, the sin in this life; tired of chasing after something and then seeing it slip through your fingers, tired of drinking out of broken cisterns, just tired of being tired?
I'll be honest. That's where I am... again. I went through this stage a while ago when the heartaches happened, and now I'm here again, if nothing else, because they remain unresolved. It seems that no one but me still needs closure. Some people break other people's hearts, even have their own hearts broken and then just keep living like nothing happened. I will never understand this.
I need closure.
I need to be able to close a chapter in my life before I open a new one. If I don't, I live with the vain hope that I will be able to go back to that chapter, no matter how impossible I know that is.
But one thing I've learned from living is that sometimes, you have to leave one chapter unresolved when you go into the next. Sometimes you just have to trust the One who writes the book and leave it at that. And sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is the Peace that you pray for Him to give you every day. Even when that Peace doesn't come, you keep living. You keep living because you know that's what He wants you to do. What kind of witness would it be if you gave up on the life that He gave you?
And on those days where all you want to do is give up, to end this miserable life and have rest from it all, you pray with every fiber in your being that He will keep you strong. All of us know that without God, we could not live. But for some of us, this knowledge is closer to home.... because we feel it every day.
Every day, we get up and feel our need for Him and we know He's there because without Him, we wouldn't still be alive. We are living proof that HE IS REAL. And we cling to His reality the way some cling to their lives because for us, He IS Life.
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| By Renee M. Coyer http://www.creativeheartsforthee.com/renees-art-work.html |
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
~Isaiah 40:28-31
Friday, July 12, 2013
Strong Arms
Everyone needs a hug once in a while. But when things are going on in your life that you just aren't sure about and you don't know how they could possibly turn out for the better, you need something more. Right now, I feel like I need Someone strong to hold me.
I have been held in the past... a long time ago. But the strength in those arms was meaningless. That strength couldn't really protect me, couldn't really make everything better; that strength had no control. Yet I was desperate to feel safe. So desperate I settled for a false sense of security.
I know I have looked for security in the wrong places, and yet it seems that I can't help but keep looking there. I don't know how many times I have wished that Jesus would wrap me up in his arms and let me cry in His lap. If I had one wish, I would ask for nothing more. There's something about being held in physical arms that nothing can compare to. But I know I won't get that privilege until I'm in Heaven.
His perfect Peace will have to be what I rest in until then.
Songs I can Relate To: "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North (Love Letter)
Love letters are not written as much as they used to be, which is a shame. But when they are, they are that much more special. Think about the person you love most sending you a love letter. That would most likely be the best thing you have ever received, wouldn't it?
This song is a love letter written from God's perspective. Now he didn't say these exact words in the Bible, but this song is full of Bible truths! Jesus is asking us as His bride to be faithful to Him, to give Him all of our troubles and to not go looking for other "lovers" to satisfy.
Every time I listen to this song, I imagine Jesus standing in front of me with arms held out, ready to take me back even after all of my unfaithfulness to Him. His Love. Is. AMAZING!
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
And give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me, yeah
You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to me, yeah
You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me, yeah
You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life
You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery.
"Beloved"
Tenth Avenue North
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk
This song is a love letter written from God's perspective. Now he didn't say these exact words in the Bible, but this song is full of Bible truths! Jesus is asking us as His bride to be faithful to Him, to give Him all of our troubles and to not go looking for other "lovers" to satisfy.
Every time I listen to this song, I imagine Jesus standing in front of me with arms held out, ready to take me back even after all of my unfaithfulness to Him. His Love. Is. AMAZING!
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
And give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me, yeah
You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to me, yeah
You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me, yeah
You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life
You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery.
"Beloved"
Tenth Avenue North
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Songs I Can Relate To: "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North
This is a song that I have been able to identify with over the past few months. It's a beautiful prayer that touches me somewhere deep inside every time I hear it. It's called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Looking Into the Eyes of the Past
When I look into this face, a smile is in those eyes. But it's not a smile meant for me. This is a smile meant for another.
If I were to truly look into this face, and not into a picture frame, I know I would see something completely different. Maybe I would see an empty stare with empty eyes that seem to gaze past me. Or maybe I would see the hardened expression from a broken heart past forgotten. Either way, these eyes would not hold the same loving expression they do now.
If I look into these eyes long enough, all the memories come flooding back -- memories of our past friendship, memories of good times together, memories of the care-free days.... and I am left to wonder, what changed?
So many emotions overwhelm me when this face is put before me. This face, to me, is a past unresolved, a chapter not yet completed, a tragic story with no real ending. I have written a thousand words, cried a thousand tears over this face... and yet... I still feel the same. Empty. Always looking for a substitute to fill his place.
When will this end?
And yet, at the same time, he has not been a part of my life for so long that many things have changed without him. He has been gone so long that he can no longer claim he knows me -- nor I him. And because of that, even if he did come back into my life now, I am not sure what I would do because I know we cannot just start where we left off. Even if we could, I don't know that I would want to. Part of me wants to hold on to a bitterness against him... a bitterness for his walking out of my life, a bitterness for his leaving me alone after all those promises that he would never do such a thing. So honestly, I don't know where I stand anymore. I guess somewhere in the middle between wanting him back and keeping him as far away from me as possible.
These eyes that used to say everything so clearly, that once revealed to me the secrets of the universe are now clouded over and dim. He is a stranger once again, and who knows whether he will ever be anything more than a thing of the past.
If I were to truly look into this face, and not into a picture frame, I know I would see something completely different. Maybe I would see an empty stare with empty eyes that seem to gaze past me. Or maybe I would see the hardened expression from a broken heart past forgotten. Either way, these eyes would not hold the same loving expression they do now.
If I look into these eyes long enough, all the memories come flooding back -- memories of our past friendship, memories of good times together, memories of the care-free days.... and I am left to wonder, what changed?
So many emotions overwhelm me when this face is put before me. This face, to me, is a past unresolved, a chapter not yet completed, a tragic story with no real ending. I have written a thousand words, cried a thousand tears over this face... and yet... I still feel the same. Empty. Always looking for a substitute to fill his place.
When will this end?
And yet, at the same time, he has not been a part of my life for so long that many things have changed without him. He has been gone so long that he can no longer claim he knows me -- nor I him. And because of that, even if he did come back into my life now, I am not sure what I would do because I know we cannot just start where we left off. Even if we could, I don't know that I would want to. Part of me wants to hold on to a bitterness against him... a bitterness for his walking out of my life, a bitterness for his leaving me alone after all those promises that he would never do such a thing. So honestly, I don't know where I stand anymore. I guess somewhere in the middle between wanting him back and keeping him as far away from me as possible.
These eyes that used to say everything so clearly, that once revealed to me the secrets of the universe are now clouded over and dim. He is a stranger once again, and who knows whether he will ever be anything more than a thing of the past.
Monday, July 8, 2013
"Love Does Not Envy..."
Today, at MK, we continued our talk on love. Three weeks ago, we talked about how love is patient and how we can model that. Then we talked love's kindness, and today we talked about how love does not envy. Caleb is taking all of these lessons from 1 Corinthians 13, the chapter on LOVE.
What really hit home for me was when Caleb talked about how he had been envious of his best friend, Jordan for years. Jordan had always been the popular, outgoing, charismatic favorite of everyone who knew him, and Caleb told us how he struggled with wanting what Jordan had.
I could relate to everything he was saying because for almost 11 years now, I have been envious of my best friend. (We'll call her Bella to protect the innocent.) My envy of Bella has little by little destroyed our relationship over the years. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, but looking back I see that it is the reason we are no longer best friends anymore. Bella is still in the dark about the whole thing. I never told her that I was envious of her because of how pretty she was, the self-confidence she possesses, or her popularity. I was too afraid that if I told her, she would agree with me and realize that I was her inferior and not want to be friends with me anymore. So I have kept it all inside, buried deep among the skeletons in my closet, afraid to let anyone know.
I have tried everything over the years to get rid of my envy. I have tried telling a friend of my struggle, praying for help not to be jealous... I even tried praying for Bella because I knew that no matter how perfect her life looked on the inside, she had many problems of her own. While all these things may have curbed my jealousy a little,they did not get completely rid of it. So when I heard Caleb's "secret" to getting rid of his jealousy of Jordan, I listened.
Caleb said that what was at the heart of his jealousy (and probably all others too) was his priorities. He was jealous of Jordan's popularity because he wanted to be popular in the world's eyes. He was jealous of his outgoing nature because everyone loves that kind of personality. And he was jealous of his charisma because it inspired devotion of some kind in others. Basically, it all boiled down to the fact that his priority was how he would look in the eyes of others. This hit me like a knife in the side because I realized for the first time, this priority was the root cause of my jealousy for Bella as well.
Lord, please change my priorities. In my head, I know that You are enough and that I don't need respect or praise from man. Let me live that out in my life as well.
What really hit home for me was when Caleb talked about how he had been envious of his best friend, Jordan for years. Jordan had always been the popular, outgoing, charismatic favorite of everyone who knew him, and Caleb told us how he struggled with wanting what Jordan had.
I could relate to everything he was saying because for almost 11 years now, I have been envious of my best friend. (We'll call her Bella to protect the innocent.) My envy of Bella has little by little destroyed our relationship over the years. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, but looking back I see that it is the reason we are no longer best friends anymore. Bella is still in the dark about the whole thing. I never told her that I was envious of her because of how pretty she was, the self-confidence she possesses, or her popularity. I was too afraid that if I told her, she would agree with me and realize that I was her inferior and not want to be friends with me anymore. So I have kept it all inside, buried deep among the skeletons in my closet, afraid to let anyone know.
I have tried everything over the years to get rid of my envy. I have tried telling a friend of my struggle, praying for help not to be jealous... I even tried praying for Bella because I knew that no matter how perfect her life looked on the inside, she had many problems of her own. While all these things may have curbed my jealousy a little,they did not get completely rid of it. So when I heard Caleb's "secret" to getting rid of his jealousy of Jordan, I listened.
Caleb said that what was at the heart of his jealousy (and probably all others too) was his priorities. He was jealous of Jordan's popularity because he wanted to be popular in the world's eyes. He was jealous of his outgoing nature because everyone loves that kind of personality. And he was jealous of his charisma because it inspired devotion of some kind in others. Basically, it all boiled down to the fact that his priority was how he would look in the eyes of others. This hit me like a knife in the side because I realized for the first time, this priority was the root cause of my jealousy for Bella as well.
Lord, please change my priorities. In my head, I know that You are enough and that I don't need respect or praise from man. Let me live that out in my life as well.
Introduction to Secrets of the Journey
So I finally decided to start a blog.
Over the years I've always kept a diary or journal of some sort, but what I write there has always been a secret. I think it's now time to let some of those secrets out. Some things need to be known by others. Not everything can be kept to oneself.
It's kinda like love. If you love someone but never tell them how you feel or act on it in any way, what good is that love? Can it even be called love? The very definition of love includes acting upon it. I could go on and on about that, but the point is that just like someone in love cannot keep their love hidden away, I can no longer keep these secrets locked up inside.
This marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Today, the secrets of my life's journey are yours as well. We all go through hard times in life, so what's the point of going through them alone? God made us relational creatures. It always helps to know someone else is going through the hard times with you.
In the past, I have kept so much inside and little by little have found that it leads to depression, anxiety, and desperation. I can no longer do this. From now on, I am opening the window into my life. Let these secrets no longer be mine.
Over the years I've always kept a diary or journal of some sort, but what I write there has always been a secret. I think it's now time to let some of those secrets out. Some things need to be known by others. Not everything can be kept to oneself.
It's kinda like love. If you love someone but never tell them how you feel or act on it in any way, what good is that love? Can it even be called love? The very definition of love includes acting upon it. I could go on and on about that, but the point is that just like someone in love cannot keep their love hidden away, I can no longer keep these secrets locked up inside.
This marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Today, the secrets of my life's journey are yours as well. We all go through hard times in life, so what's the point of going through them alone? God made us relational creatures. It always helps to know someone else is going through the hard times with you.
In the past, I have kept so much inside and little by little have found that it leads to depression, anxiety, and desperation. I can no longer do this. From now on, I am opening the window into my life. Let these secrets no longer be mine.
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