Friday, March 28, 2014

Time Like Sand



The sun goes down as yesterday
And time slips through my hands again
Rays of sunlight move through shadows
In the trees above me
And I realize it will never be like what it was then.

With each inch the sun sinks down
The sky becomes a different blue
The pink and gold slide out of sight
The cool breezes shift
Until the light of day has melted into night's hue.

Like sand through an hour glass
Each moment's fleeting life drops
From time that I have to time that is lost
And all I can do
Is look back wistfully on time that is naught.



Monday, March 24, 2014

All in All

















My Comfort in sorrow
My Joy in pain
My Strength for tomorrow
My Sun in the rain
My Light in the dark
My Peace in the storm
My Shepherd from harm
My Mender when I am torn
My Lover in all
My Leader in the fight
My Help in the war
My guardian at night...















My Grace in weakness
My Shield in temptation
My Healer in sickness
My Enough in desolation
My Hope in depression
My Freedom in chains
My Friend in isolation
My Wings when I am faint
My Treasure in Life
My Gain in death's gall
The quench of my desire--
My All in all.




Thursday, March 20, 2014

Blank Canvas

Memories evade me
The past is too far gone
It's like I'm starting over
In a new and different world

Only the beginning
Is known to me as clear
And the present is like living
In the space of just a year

Even every day
Is like another life
It's like I'm disconnected
Or not really alive

So now I am a canvas
With not a single line
I'm here and I am ready
Paint on me Your design



















And let the ink sink in
So there's more than just a trace
To look back on in tomorrow
When the rest is re-replaced.

I want more than just a shadow
Your Love displayed on my heart
So I can look back and remember
That I was your work of art. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A Prayer From Job

11 "Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh?
    Can reeds thrive without water?
12 While still growing and uncut,
    they wither more quickly than grass.
13 Such is the destiny of all who forget God;
    so perishes the hope of the godless."

Job 8:11-13



Father, put in me a thankful heart for the "cutting" that You are doing in my life, because without it I would wither more quickly than grass. May I not be one who forgets You and whose hope perishes. May I always remember who You are and what You have done. I have been given an easier lot than most; let me be grateful for it. 


20 “Surely God does not reject one who is blameless
    or strengthen the hands of evildoers.
21 He will yet fill your mouth with laughter
    and your lips with shouts of joy."
Job 8: 20-21



"Weeping may last for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."The night seems as if it has been too long. Lord, when will you bring your morning? lift up my head that I may see beyond the sadness and pain and into your glorious light that is just beyond the clouds. Behind a frowning providence, you hide a smiling face. Make me thankful for each ray of sunshine and be reminded that You are here, Lord, and that You are Enough. 
May it be so. 


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Songs I Can Relate To "Jesus I Come"-- A Hymn

I sing hymns so often at my church I often forget to listen to the words. It's sad, but all too often I sit or stand in church singing these beautiful songs and don't let them sink into my heart or praise God with them. I am asking God to work on me in that. 

The reason that I listened to the words of this hymn were partially because of who picked it. She's a sweet older lady at my church whose love for God shines in her grateful heart and everything she does. She loves singing hymns and I have loved every hymn she has sung for me or requested in the past, so I listened to the words when we sang this one. And they. are. beautiful. You have to listen to the melody too because they complement each other so well! I've underlined some of my favorite parts.



Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of earth’s sorrows into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy blessèd will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,

Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the joy and light of Thy throne,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,

Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.


Words: William T. Sleep­er, in Gos­pel Hymns No. 5, 1887.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Waiting for Forever

It's so sad to think about what could happen after two people who once loved each other drift apart. One moves on, the other never does. Then what happens? The one who never moved on lives day to day believing there is still hope, believing that someday, maybe, just maybe, they will get back together again. The hope of that "maybe" keeps them going. If that hope was not there, they would have given up a long time ago but because it is, they live on.

Yet there is always that nagging fear that the other person does not feel the same way... And sometimes, the best thing to do, the only thing they can do is to move on.

In some cases, what has happened in the past makes it impossible for them to remain friends. And when the end of the story is not yet written, it is practically impossible to foresee what will happen. All that is left is the "what if's"....

Monday, February 17, 2014

Devil Dream

I remember vaguely that I was with a group of people. One was the blonde boy from the first hunger games and he always had an evil look about him. Another was a guy from my old youth group with whom I have only spoken once or twice. There were also several girls with us whose faces were unclear.

The background to my dream was that there was a prophesy that an evil star, Satan in the form of a lion/eagle would come down from the heavens and try to destroy the world. But when he found that he could not destroy it, he would go back into the sky as a star and would take one of our own with him to the sky to look down upon the world so that they may plot a better way to destroy it and us.
One day, the prophesy came true. We did not see the star fall from the sky, but as we were all walking down the road one moonlight night there was a flash of light behind us. We saw an enormous cat with the tail of an eagle bounding toward us extremely fast, almost animated.
We were so afraid, we scattered in different directions. The group of girls went one way, the blonde boy whose name I can’t remember went another, and the boy from my youth group and I ran on the other side of the street from him. The lion ran behind the three of us in the middle of the street.

For an instant, time slowed and I grabbed the boy’s hand in fear, but it was becoming obvious that he could not run as fast as normal. It seemed as if everything else was getting farther away as were running. It felt like we were children again. In my dream I had known him as a child and we would run everywhere together holding hands.
Then everything came back to the present and the lion and the boy were again 10 feet from us.
At that moment the boy stumbled and as I helped him up, I saw the beast finally catch up to the blonde boy and pounce on him in the middle of the street. They rolled on the ground until it looked like the beast was the only one left. It struck me then that the boy had disappeared while they had been rolling. Then the beast stood on all four feet. Its head was that of a lion and its main that flared in the back, making it look like a cobra ready to attack. Half of its body was lion and the other half was eagle. It had an eagle’s tail and eagle claws (transformed from the lion paws I had seen when it was chasing us.) Just then, the boy reappeared a few feet away from the beast. They were both looking intently at us holding our gaze with their malicious stares. The boy had no scratches, just a look in his eyes that was more deadly than ever and made the boy and I even more afraid.
                                    ____________________________________________
The two boys and I were with the girls again at the entrance to a house in a tree-- the blonde boy in front of my friend and me, the girls behind us.  The deadly glare was gone from the boy’s eyes, making me think there was nothing to fear. The beast stood at the base of the tree looking up and pacing as if waiting for something. We were still at the threshold of the house when the boy, who seemed to be more of a man after his encounter with the beast, turned around and said to us, "I have decided to go with him." We all knew who he was talking about and gasped as we thought of what this would mean.
Then Boromir, who had been guarding the door said in a grave voice, "So the prophesy has come true." We all looked up to the heavens and, as if watching a projection of the prophesy as we had so many times before, we saw the beast shoot into the sky again as a star with a glowing trail of light behind him and a second, far lesser star with its own glowing trail followed behind. Boromir spoke to the boy as we gazed at the sky in terror, "So you are the fulfillment of the prophesy. Why must you choose death?" There was silence for a moment and we all felt there was a void at the threshold where we stood. We looked down. The boy was gone and we realized for the first time everything we had heard of the prophesy was true and one of our own was gone from us forever.

I woke up with my finger bleeding and a fresh scratch on my arm. (My cat had not been in the room the whole night.) ~~~




I do not pretend to know what the interpretation of this dream is or even if there is one. The bit with Boromir guarding the door is weird, I'll give you that. But I do believe there is more to this dream than what I watched recently. If anything, it is a reminder that I am in a spiritual battle and that I need to fight with God's help ACTIVELY. Because Satan does come to earth and attack us and try to get us on his side. There is a real battle going on just beyond the surface of what we see. We cannot live like it does not exist.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

How Can You Be Glorified??

"To live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

It's easy to see how dying is gain. We will be with Him, the Lover of our hearts forever in glory, no longer to have to wrestle with the sin that has bound us and the pain that it brings in this life. But sometimes, it's harder to see how to live is Christ because we are still in this sin-cursed world. And we have problems of our own.

If we read before and after the verse, it gives the context. "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me." He is saying that either way, Christ will be exalted. Yet can Christ be exalted if we only focus on our problems in this life? How can he be exalted when we lose the will to live, when life becomes tiresome and we don't want to deal with the trials that come our way? He cannot, that I know. But how can we stop feeling  this way so that Christ may be glorified?

This is my question, but the answer seems to elude me.

Her tears flowed as the Devil whispered lies, But she fought on her knees with muffled cries. Her words were taken from her as if by a spell. The only word she remembered, she clung to: HELP.


This is what I feel.... And I don't know how to stop. I've tried going to God, but it seems like I am only using him to fix me and i am not going because i love him. I want to love him. But at times I feel I don't know how.

I need LIFE spoken into mine. It no longer seems like one. I have not glorified Him as I ought...


POISON

She's crying for help in her own hidden way
She longs to be told that it will all be okay
But she's tired of hearing old, worn-out lies
She needs to hear the truth that she cannot find

She suffers alone where nobody sees
And although people ask, she never tells the whole story
She thinks if she pretends everything is fine
She might be able to live a semi-normal life

The pain that she hides is very real
It cannot be fixed with a kiss or even tears
All she wants is someone who will listen
Someone who can admit that they cannot fix it

She's tried so hard to get herself out
She's stored up her frustration; she's talked it out
Nothing seems to work, she's still empty inside
She goes to bed with this feeling each pressured night

And she still doesn't know why she's feeling this way
She wishes there was a reason to explain it all away
Because she doesn't want to face that she's not right with God
But there's a poison deep inside her heart that she's found she cannot stop...



Monday, November 4, 2013

The Depths


In the Depths of the ocean
There is treasure to be found
But there are many dangers
In the Depths
When nothing can overcome
Panic and doubts
Sinking is inevitable
And must be accepted

The pressure of the water
Presses in on every side
The air is these lungs
Begins to seep out
The darkness gets darker
And swallows the light
That once shone on the treasure
And gave a way out


Nothing in this darkness
Can ever be seen
So illusions take the place
Of what is real
Dangers both real
And hallucinated
 Began to deface
The glory that healed

As time slips past
Memory melts away
Along with the life
The darkness stole
What was the treasure
And where was the way?
Was it up or down?
Was it worth it at all?

And there in the depths
Hanging in the balance
The soul loses hope
That once glowed with the Light
And finally here 
With the weight of His absence
Lower and lower
She sinks out of sight 





Monday, October 14, 2013

Come Home



You've turned away from those you love--
From all who still love you.
But broken hearts from lies made up
Still reach out to you.

You've turned away from Him you once found
To be both stars and sun.
You've turned to idols that won't fulfill
That deep need in you for Love.

You've gone through many things
In the years you've spent on eath.
You're tired and weak, and you feel used.
But to Him you still have worth.

And He reaches his hand to take you back;
All you have to do is take it.
Don't burn your bridge to the cross
Or your heart will never make it.

Your soul is most precious in our eyes,
And it's life is what we crave
Healing will come once again
If you take the antidote He gave.

His comfort and love are yours to receive.
Because you are His own.
He will to break the bondage you're in
If you would just come home.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Fast-Forward

Sometimes I wish there was a "Pause" button -- something I could push to postpone life so I could gather my thoughts.

Sometimes it seems like life goes altogether too fast. Each time I blink something new happens. Changes are everywhere, not only on the horizon as they used to be.

I guess the truth of the matter is there is a pause button, and I pushed it a long time ago... I was so scared of the changes, the decisions that I would have to make in the future that I simply put off thinking about them. This allowed me to enjoy life at it was in the moment, thinking of nothing else but the day to day aspects. I guess I knew that sooner or later life would play on its own once again, whether I pressed "Play" or not. My only surprise is that it happened sooner rather than later. And now I am left, without the luxury of another "Pause" button at my disposal, to undergo the changes and decisions I should have made long ago that are now happening in fast-forward. 


But I guess it's about time I face them. I can put them off no longer. I just pray God will help me in the fast-forward and forgive me for thinking I did not need his help in the slow-mo.

When my life was on pause I had all the time in the world to enjoy the here and now. And I did, to the best of my ability then. But hindsight is always 20/20, and now I see how I could have enjoyed it better. 




Thursday, September 26, 2013

Beyond Her Walls

No one sees what goes on beyond her walls;
No one sees what's hidden behind her door.
She never lets them see her heart of flesh.
All they ever see is a face of stone.

But that doesn't mean she's not affected;
It just means she can hide it well.
They've never seen her inside those walls
Cause she can only be her when she's by herself.

As soon as the leave, her mask comes off,
And her face of stone crumbles away.
If she ever unmasked where they would see,
She'd constantly be raining on their parade.

No, she'd much rather be vulnerable when they're not around;
There's no one to probe when she's alone.
It's rare she finds someone who loves her and he scars;
Most just want to change her--even in her own home...



Thursday, September 12, 2013

Running on Empty

Laughter, even joy may fill the day,
But in the end it means nothing.              
When he lies down to sleep at night
That emptiness is back again.                     
An emptiness he thought was gone
Still lingers night after night.                       

Night after night he wants something more
To ease the hurt and dull the pain.             
So he buries his problems in whatever he sees--
Nothing substantial; could be anything.  
And night after night when that dull wears away,
He can feel the sting even with closed eyes.  

And he’s found he can’t run; there’s nowhere to hide  
No matter what he does night after night.              Nothing helps the pain, nothing dries his eyes
At the end of each day, he’s still empty inside.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Not Who I Was

Well, I made a change. I colored my hair blue. Okay, not completely, just the tips that I had bleached. I bleached my bangs too. I've been needing a physical change for a long time to represent the changes inside of me ever since the past few months. Now I finally have one.

The new color (my friends think it's green, smh) reminds me that I'm not the same person i was. I'm not sure whether this is a sign of good changes or bad... It's hard to tell. I guess time will tell.



In these past few months, I've made a new best friend and lost them all in the space of two weeks, I've traveled the world (well, almost), I've gotten my driver's license, my first REAL job, started college, made new friends, and experienced heartache and emotional turmoil like nothing I've ever felt. Yep, A LOT has happened in the last few months. It's been a wonderful, terrible summer.


I'm glad I finally have something physical to represent it all. It seems right somehow that my appearance be changed too. After all, "I'm not who I was."

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Walls of Ice

Do I dare say what I am feeling at this moment?
Do I dare speak my mind?
Maybe I should wish away these feelings
And hide what remains deep inside.

But this is against all I've ever known,
These feelings are all new to me.
I'd be lying to say nothing was wrong;
The war inside is making me bleed.

The scariest thing is the thought of losing
Everything that I need to keep.
But when it comes right down to the choosing,
I’m not sure sure what or who I want it to be.

Peace no longer rules;
I feel this heart growing cold.
I’ve built the walls so high
That even I cannot tear them down.

All I can do is plead
With someone else to get me out,
Melt these walls of stone-cold ice
And break through the barriers of hopeless doubt.