Stay

Isn't it funny how, when you need somebody most, you push them away? And then there's silence, and you are alone again. Maybe it's because you don't want to let them see what's inside... or you don't know what's inside yourself. Fear of the unknown can lead to just ignoring it.

But is that what you really want? To push everyone you love away and not have anyone to talk to? Maybe deep down, you are really testing them to see who will stay and suffer the coldness... and try to overcome it. It takes a special person to do that and not many have that much love inside of them. I don't know if I do.

Being alone is not what you want, so why do you push them away, again and again? This is a question even you yourself don't have an answer to. All you know is that you are waiting for someone who will ask questions, maybe even seem pushy, and get you to admit to yourself what is wrong. Get you to admit it to them so it's out there in the open and you will not be able hide it anymore. And you can just be honest... and free.

 But it has to be the right person. Because just anyone may push it further back into the deep, hidden reaches of your heart until it becomes something that you yourself don't even know about. Still, it will be there and will plague you until you don't want to have anything to do with it anymore, and you will not know how to get rid of it anymore.

All I'm saying is be the person who doesn't shy away. Be the one who stays and asks questions. You never know who's hurting and needs to talk. If you are pushed away, maybe this is a cry for help. Maybe the person who pushed you away will not even realize they need it until you give it.

I'm Fine

They will tell you that you're not okay

When you thought you hid it well.

They won't accept just an, "I'm fine."

They'll ask you till you tell.

The smile that you put on your face

Will never fool them if it's fake.

Because if they are your true friends

They will know you really well.

Maybe there will be some days

When you just want to hide;

When you want no one to see through you

And no one to get inside.

But these walls that you yourself have made

Are not something to be down-played;

You need someone who knows you well,

Who doesn't stop at just, "I'm fine."

As The Rising Sun

I wrote this poem this morning as I was watching the sunrise for the first time in a long time from my roof. I tried to describe what I was seeing but then I thought of Psalm 19 and decided my words couldn't do it justice, so I put David's words about the heavens to rhyme. The rest flowed and seemed to fit so I kept most of the Psalm and I made it my prayer as I watched God's painting unfold before my eyes. 

Wisps of clouds drift slowly with the gentle breeze across the sky,

Birds sing gladly to welcome the morning and their song rises high--

High above the trees and beyond golden linings of the clouds.

Above starry space and galaxies beyond their praise resounds,

And I know I am in your presence.

The glow in the east brightens and above the skyline, the sun!

A sight of joy and wonder, another day where light has won.

Just behind me swirls the blue where night flees;

Tiny sparrows fly above me toward the sun on the misty breeze,

And I become aware of your greatness.

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies His handiwork!

Day after day and night after night, knowledge and speech pour forth.

No tongue, no speech, no language exists where their praise is not heard;

Their voice travels all the earth, the words the ends of the world.

All of creation is singing Him praise!

In the vast Heavens, the Almighty pitched a tent for the sun

Which is like a bridegroom ascending a hill from his pavilion.

Like a champion rejoices to run his course, he rises

From one end of the heavens he makes his circuit through the skies.

Nothing is hidden from his rays. 

The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul.

The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the LORD that give joy to joyless hearts are right.

The commands of the LORD are radiant that give light to the eyes. 

The fear of the LORD endures forever.

These are more precious than gold refined by fire, than fine gold; 

They are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my soul

As pure as the morning and as joy-full as the rising sun,

Be pleasing in Your sight, my Redeemer. 

See You In a While

It's still sinking in that you are leaving

And I expect it will be for sometime, 

But we say goodbye just like any other day

Because we know we'll see you in a while.

Stay safe on your adventure;

God knows it is a sacrifice.

Your other world will be happy to see you,

But we know we'll see you in a while

Every day you're not with us

Will seem like a lifetime,

But we'll keep you in our prayers

And we'll see you in a while.

You've all been a joy to get to know,

And we'll remember those wonderful times.

It may be time we let you go,

But we know we'll see you in a while.

ESCAPE

When words escape me 

And thoughts seem quelled

As you hang in the balance

Between Heaven and Hell

Know that I feel your pain

When the fire burns

When you see the light

But somehow can't cross the bridge 

To get away from the night

Know that I'm here, praying

I've felt that fire

Been on that bridge

I've seen that light

And have been hidden from it

And I know what it is to doubt

When the boards burn quick

And fall into the black

And the demons shriek 

As they start to attack

Hang onto your Way out

There's always a lifeline

That He provides

But you won't find it

If you look inside

You must search outside yourself

'Did you know, helpless soul

It is within your reach?

Oh you of little faith

I will set you free!

I will send you help

You may stumble and fall

But Hope lifts you high

I will give you wings

So that you can fly

And I will be your Strength

You will soar on wings like eagles

Above the hopeless night

You will laugh at the darkness 

And leave the demons behind

Only let Me be your Escape'

~~~~~~~~

He gives strength to the weary

  and increases the power of the weak.

30 

Even youths grow tired and weary,

    and young men stumble and fall;

31 

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:29-31

It Was Me

(Inspired by "There Was No Thief" by Relient K)

For a time I thought they couldn't separate us 

They would try and try, each time not getting through

But then one day, I found us separated

And it was not them; it was me

That lost you

I'd be surprised to see you ever coming back

And I understand after what I've done to you

You left it up to me to find a way to get to you

And there'e just one last thing that I have to say

As we reflect on the mess of all of this we made

It was selfishness that made me push you away

I was not read and I led you on anyway

And this is the redo

You're starting brand new

Going in the opposite direction

And I'm so lost

I gave you up

On what cloud is the silver lining?

And there's just on last thing that I have to say

As I reflect on the mess of all of this we made

It was. selfishness that made me push you away

I wasn't ready and I led you on anyway

I'd be surprised to see you ever coming back...

Debbie

That single seat in front of me

No longer to be filled -- empty,

Now the symbol of a loss

My mind can't comprehend.

My heart feels for those she loved--

I know one of them.

And I think to myself the pain I would feel

If it were one of my closest friends...

They filed in, faces I did not know,

And gently broke the news

Yet the gentleness was overcome

By the great weight of the blow.

When they first told us, she was but a student,

A faceless name, detached, unexposed.

But they pointed to her seat, and now

She was someone that I know.

Lingering questions, some asked, some still:

"When did this happen?"

When did we know?"

How could someone do something like this?"

Ring in my ears and sink down.

I think of her friend -- the empty seat beside me, his.

My eyes, wide, never leave her seat

As emotions swell and the tears sting.

I feel like running out of the room, but I am frozen.

Hiding behind the curtain of hair

That falls around my face,

I vaguely hear the sentiments spoken.

But my mind is only half there,

Listening to, "We are here if you want to ask questions."

The rest of me tries to make sense

Of the reason behind it, why she was chosen.

They leave us with their number

And give one last glance of sympathy.

But I keep thinking to myself

It's not enough for those who knew her.

All these motions feel so very empty.

Who'll answer the questions of those she treasured?

Two gaping holes now need to be filled.

She did not die alone; she died with her mother.

Once so young, now she's just a memory,

A heartbeat of life and great potential,

Her face, that of joy and innocence.

I only knew her name, but she was loved by many.

I feel I missed out on something special.

The loss of this girl on our hearts is heavy,

But her life is something that we will remember.

We grieve with those who lost you, Debbie.

~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem was written in memory of Debbie, a girl who used to sit in front of me in Math. When I went into class today, three counselors came in and told us that she and her mother had been shot in a home invasion and had died Monday night. This was hard news for all of us to hear.  Even my teacher said she had been crying all day yesterday after she found out. To think that the girl of only eighteen that we saw on Thursday is now dead.... If you are reading this, please pray for her family and friends -- especially her father, who is left without a wife and daughter...

 "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him..." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Sleep Alone

Quiet in sweet darkness

At the end of the day

Thoughts of you had vanished 

Until I was on my own

Listless words I utter

And in the shadows hang

I curl up in the blackness

But don't want to sleep alone

Soft breeze wafts in, silent

The coolness makes me shiver

I pull close soft blankets

Until my heart beats calm

Feeling solitary

I could cry a river

If my wish were a companion

I wouldn't sleep alone

One more time I lie here

Another wish in vain

The silence is louder

But words always console

If I can't have your presence

I wish for sounds of rain

Or dreams that bring me closer

So I don't sleep alone

Past Future

I still dream
When I listen to our song
But now I think
It's just been too long
I always thought
It was too good to be true
 I know I was right
Because now I've lost you

Something happens to a person
When they sit and dream of endless things
That could have been
Something happens to a person
When deep inside
The believed dreams could come true
But have had to watch their's die

It's hard to say goodbye
When you never thought you'd have to
When all of a sudden
You hopes collapsed from under you
It's hard to say goodbye
When you've been waiting so long
Hoping and dreaming for a day that will never come

How did this happen?
We said it never would
I thought we were above this
You said we were too
Must I kiss goodbye
The hopes I've had so long?
And lower my expectations
After I saw you fit them all?

Am I left to sit and wonder
Left here to think alone
About what could have happened
And what could have gone wrong?
Maybe I deserve to pine
About days long past
To think those same memories that now make me cry
Were the ones that used to make me laugh

I think of different things now
When I listen to our song
I think of rejection
And days spent alone
I can no longer look ahead
To past hopes and unfulfilled dreams
No I can only look back
On a future that will never be

Caught -- A Hard Place

Heart stopped when she saw you--
Tongue became dry.
Your face brought back the memory
Of all those tears she once had cried.

A knot caught in her throat,
And she could not stop shaking.
She almost turned and walked away
To stop her fragile heart from aching,

But she stood her ground
And looked you in the eye--
She will see you as a stranger now
Whenever you stop by.

Your face no longer brings
That flooding of relief;
Instead it grabs her with intense fear
And takes all her inner peace.

She does not know
How she should treat you anymore.
The memories and restrictions
Still resonate within her, sore.

And though she cannot bring herself
To tell you to stay away for good,
She wishes deep inside her soul
Her eyes would tell you that you should.

And now, you see, she has to choose
Between you and what her Father wants.
Why do you keep doing this to her?
This is the last pace she wants to be caught.

Dawn by Sarah Tucker

This is so beautiful I had to share it. Many good reminders in here from a young heart of faith. 

The window in front of me
Out of it what do I see
A tree a bird a flower the grass
Outside the window and its glass
I see the sky of navy blue
Yellow and red as the sun shines through
The bird perched upon an arm
Of the tree as the suns charm
Shines through its leaves, the wind blows through
And now all I want to do
To sit in the tree and feel the breeze
To be so calm and so at ease
To hear my God say to me
You are my child, with me you’ll be
Forever in eternity
My child I am the only key.
I love you more than you do know
For you I made myself so low
To die for you so you could live
For now your job is to forgive
As I have done for you my dear
Let me cast out all your fear
I’m waiting child for you to come
To me for everything, don’t become
Distant from me, you need me child
Without me you are too wild
I can be your place of rest
Come to me when you are stressed
Sleep in me, I am your peace
When the heartache will not cease
I am your joy your faithful friend
I will love you to the end
So when I sit there in that tree
And think of everything I see
I’ll see my God come with the dawn
And with the Lord my pain is gone.

Time Like Sand

The sun goes down as yesterday
And time slips through my hands again
Rays of sunlight move through shadows
In the trees above me
And I realize it will never be like what it was then.

With each inch the sun sinks down
The sky becomes a different blue
The pink and gold slide out of sight
The cool breezes shift
Until the light of day has melted into night's hue.

Like sand through an hour glass
Each moment's fleeting life drops
From time that I have to time that is lost
And all I can do
Is look back wistfully on time that is naught.

All in All

My Comfort in sorrow
My Joy in pain
My Strength for tomorrow
My Sun in the rain
My Light in the dark
My Peace in the storm
My Shepherd from harm
My Mender when I am torn
My Lover in all
My Leader in the fight
My Help in the war
My guardian at night...

My Grace in weakness
My Shield in temptation
My Healer in sickness
My Enough in desolation
My Hope in depression
My Freedom in chains
My Friend in isolation
My Wings when I am faint
My Treasure in Life
My Gain in death's gall
The quench of my desire--
My All in all.

Blank Canvas

Memories evade me

The past is too far gone

It's like I'm starting over

In a new and different world

Only the beginning

Is known to me as clear

And the present is like living

In the space of just a year

Even every day

Is like another life

It's like I'm disconnected

Or not really alive

So now I am a canvas

With not a single line

I'm here and I am ready

Paint on me Your design

And let the ink sink in
So there's more than just a trace

To look back on in tomorrow

When the rest is re-replaced.

I want more than just a shadow

Your Love displayed on my heart

So I can look back and remember
That I was your work of art. 

A Prayer From Job

11 "Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh?
    Can reeds thrive without water?
12 While still growing and uncut,
    they wither more quickly than grass.
13 Such is the destiny of all who forget God;
    so perishes the hope of the godless."

Job 8:11-13

Father, put in me a thankful heart for the "cutting" that You are doing in my life, because without it I would wither more quickly than grass. May I not be one who forgets You and whose hope perishes. May I always remember who You are and what You have done. I have been given an easier lot than most; let me be grateful for it. 

20 “Surely God does not reject one who is blameless
    or strengthen the hands of evildoers.
21 He will yet fill your mouth with laughter
    and your lips with shouts of joy."

Job 8: 20-21

"Weeping may last for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."The night seems as if it has been too long. Lord, when will you bring your morning? lift up my head that I may see beyond the sadness and pain and into your glorious light that is just beyond the clouds. Behind a frowning providence, you hide a smiling face. Make me thankful for each ray of sunshine and be reminded that You are here, Lord, and that You are Enough. 

May it be so. 

Songs I Can Relate To "Jesus I Come"-- A Hymn

I sing hymns so often at my church I often forget to listen to the words. It's sad, but all too often I sit or stand in church singing these beautiful songs and don't let them sink into my heart or praise God with them. I am asking God to work on me in that. 

The reason that I listened to the words of this hymn were partially because of who picked it. She's a sweet older lady at my church whose love for God shines in her grateful heart and everything she does. She loves singing hymns and I have loved every hymn she has sung for me or requested in the past, so I listened to the words when we sang this one. And they. are. beautiful. You have to listen to the melody too because they complement each other so well! I've underlined some of my favorite parts.

Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of earth’s sorrows into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy blessèd will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the joy and light of Thy throne,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Words: William T. Sleep­er, in Gos­pel Hymns No. 5, 1887.

Waiting for Forever

It's so sad to think about what could happen after two people who once loved each other drift apart. One moves on, the other never does. Then what happens? The one who never moved on lives day to day believing there is still hope, believing that someday, maybe, just maybe, they will get back together again. The hope of that "maybe" keeps them going. If that hope was not there, they would have given up a long time ago but because it is, they live on.

Yet there is always that nagging fear that the other person does not feel the same way... And sometimes, the best thing to do, the only thing they can do is to move on.

In some cases, what has happened in the past makes it impossible for them to remain friends. And when the end of the story is not yet written, it is practically impossible to foresee what will happen. All that is left is the "what if's"....

Devil Dream

I remember vaguely that I was with a group of people. One was the blonde boy from the first hunger games and he always had an evil look about him. Another was a guy from my old youth group with whom I have only spoken once or twice. There were also several girls with us whose faces were unclear.

The background to my dream was that there was a prophesy that an evil star, Satan in the form of a lion/eagle would come down from the heavens and try to destroy the world. But when he found that he could not destroy it, he would go back into the sky as a star and would take one of our own with him to the sky to look down upon the world so that they may plot a better way to destroy it and us.

One day, the prophesy came true. We did not see the star fall from the sky, but as we were all walking down the road one moonlight night there was a flash of light behind us. We saw an enormous cat with the tail of an eagle bounding toward us extremely fast, almost animated.

We were so afraid, we scattered in different directions. The group of girls went one way, the blonde boy whose name I can’t remember went another, and the boy from my youth group and I ran on the other side of the street from him. The lion ran behind the three of us in the middle of the street.

For an instant, time slowed and I grabbed the boy’s hand in fear, but it was becoming obvious that he could not run as fast as normal. It seemed as if everything else was getting farther away as were running. It felt like we were children again. In my dream I had known him as a child and we would run everywhere together holding hands.

Then everything came back to the present and the lion and the boy were again 10 feet from us.

At that moment the boy stumbled and as I helped him up, I saw the beast finally catch up to the blonde boy and pounce on him in the middle of the street. They rolled on the ground until it looked like the beast was the only one left. It struck me then that the boy had disappeared while they had been rolling. Then the beast stood on all four feet. Its head was that of a lion and its main that flared in the back, making it look like a cobra ready to attack. Half of its body was lion and the other half was eagle. It had an eagle’s tail and eagle claws (transformed from the lion paws I had seen when it was chasing us.) Just then, the boy reappeared a few feet away from the beast. They were both looking intently at us holding our gaze with their malicious stares. The boy had no scratches, just a look in his eyes that was more deadly than ever and made the boy and I even more afraid.

                                    ____________________________________________

The two boys and I were with the girls again at the entrance to a house in a tree-- the blonde boy in front of my friend and me, the girls behind us.  The deadly glare was gone from the boy’s eyes, making me think there was nothing to fear. The beast stood at the base of the tree looking up and pacing as if waiting for something. We were still at the threshold of the house when the boy, who seemed to be more of a man after his encounter with the beast, turned around and said to us, "I have decided to go with him." We all knew who he was talking about and gasped as we thought of what this would mean.

Then Boromir, who had been guarding the door said in a grave voice, "So the prophesy has come true." We all looked up to the heavens and, as if watching a projection of the prophesy as we had so many times before, we saw the beast shoot into the sky again as a star with a glowing trail of light behind him and a second, far lesser star with its own glowing trail followed behind. Boromir spoke to the boy as we gazed at the sky in terror, "So you are the fulfillment of the prophesy. Why must you choose death?" There was silence for a moment and we all felt there was a void at the threshold where we stood. We looked down. The boy was gone and we realized for the first time everything we had heard of the prophesy was true and one of our own was gone from us forever.

I woke up with my finger bleeding and a fresh scratch on my arm. (My cat had not been in the room the whole night.) ~~~

I do not pretend to know what the interpretation of this dream is or even if there is one. The bit with Boromir guarding the door is weird, I'll give you that. But I do believe there is more to this dream than what I watched recently. If anything, it is a reminder that I am in a spiritual battle and that I need to fight with God's help ACTIVELY. Because Satan does come to earth and attack us and try to get us on his side. There is a real battle going on just beyond the surface of what we see. We cannot live like it does not exist.

How Can You Be Glorified??

"To live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

It's easy to see how dying is gain. We will be with Him, the Lover of our hearts forever in glory, no longer to have to wrestle with the sin that has bound us and the pain that it brings in this life. But sometimes, it's harder to see how to live is Christ because we are still in this sin-cursed world. And we have problems of our own.

If we read before and after the verse, it gives the context. "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me." He is saying that either way, Christ will be exalted. Yet can Christ be exalted if we only focus on our problems in this life? How can he be exalted when we lose the will to live, when life becomes tiresome and we don't want to deal with the trials that come our way? He cannot, that I know. But how can we stop feeling  this way so that Christ may be glorified?

This is my question, but the answer seems to elude me.

Her tears flowed as the Devil whispered lies, But she fought on her knees with muffled cries. Her words were taken from her as if by a spell. The only word she remembered, she clung to: HELP.

This is what I feel.... And I don't know how to stop. I've tried going to God, but it seems like I am only using him to fix me and i am not going because i love him. I want to love him. But at times I feel I don't know how.

I need LIFE spoken into mine. It no longer seems like one. I have not glorified Him as I ought...

POISON

She's crying for help in her own hidden way

She longs to be told that it will all be okay

But she's tired of hearing old, worn-out lies

She needs to hear the truth that she cannot find

She suffers alone where nobody sees

And although people ask, she never tells the whole story

She thinks if she pretends everything is fine

She might be able to live a semi-normal life

The pain that she hides is very real

It cannot be fixed with a kiss or even tears

All she wants is someone who will listen

Someone who can admit that they cannot fix it

She's tried so hard to get herself out

She's stored up her frustration; she's talked it out

Nothing seems to work, she's still empty inside

She goes to bed with this feeling each pressured night

And she still doesn't know why she's feeling this way

She wishes there was a reason to explain it all away

Because she doesn't want to face that she's not right with God

But there's a poison deep inside her heart that she's found she cannot stop...