Swimming Fearfully Courageous

Listen to me, you who purseue righteousness, you who seek the LORD: 

look to the rock from which you were hewn,

and to the quarry from which you were dug. 

Look to Abraham your father and to Sarah who bore you; 

for he was but one when I called him, that I might bless him and multiply him. 

For the LORD comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places

and makes her wilderness like Eden,

her desert like the garden of the LORD;

joy and gladness will be found in her, 

thanksgiving and the voice of song. 

Isaiah 51:1-3

This week, my Father comforted me with much truth. I feel at times like the place I'm in is a desert of surrender, but He is making my desert a garden. Where there is no joy and the ground is dry, I can hear the sound of rain in the distance. I know that He is coming like rain, and that He is restoring to me the joy of His salvation. Every morning, I ask, "Father, please give me joy today." But I know that even if He doesn't give me the feeling of joy, He is giving me more of Himself, which despite my feelings, I know is better by far. He is the strength of my heart. If it is the Lord Jesus who leads me, what do I fear?

This week, I was asking God to provide people to stand with me in my fight for joy. And He graciously has! He has brought me to my knees in this fight, and that is the best place to be -- where I see my need for Him so clearly! But oh, it's painful!

"Turn to me and be gracious with me as is your way with those who love your name. Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me." 

Psalm 119:33

The kind words of a friend reminded echo in my mind from this last week: "He's teaching me to be thankful for the storm." This is the place I want to be!

On Wednesday, I was really struggling with fear in surrender. I wrote out everything I was afraid of that day. It added up to a full page in my journal... I laid it out before God. Then I read the next section of Galatians for the day.

 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?" 

Galatians 4:6-9

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.... You were running well, Who hindered you from obeying the truth?...For you were called to freedom, brothers... through love serve one another. Galatians 5:1,7,13

My Father was slowly pulling away at layers of fear and showing me the freedom I already had from them. In showing me this freedom, He was getting to the root of my hesitation to surrender. "Do you love me enough to let even these pebbles go?"

Maybe I have built up this cage of fear and locked myself in it because I am not being still long enough to let truth really sink in deep. I tend to be rushed in my Father's presence, letting anxiety over the next class I am going to rule me. Oh Father, I want to CLING to the freedom You have purchased for me! FIX my eyes on the hope You have called me to!

Often times, when I am struggling with something, God will point me to a song that puts words to my situation and sheds light on darkness. This time the song that came to mind was "I won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot. He had ministered to me through that song last year, but the line that stood out this time was different: "Pain gives birth to the promise ahead." I realized that the pain of letting go, the pain of surrender, hurt so much because a new hope was being born. I was beginning to see the hope to which I have been called. (Ephesians 1:18)

Now my prayer was, "Father, as I let go of these pebbles and choose not to live like a slave, don't let me go! Let the sound of love, who I am in You be louder than the fear that I feel from the world! Give my heart courage, for I am weak! Yet I am willing to be weak if it means Your power will rest on me."

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Dear Reader, Truth will release you from your cage! When you are afraid, write out your fears. Lay them before God. He cares about them more than you can know. Then ask him to bring you to truth in His Word that does battle with your fears. I have confidence that He will! You have heard that "The truth will set you free," but have you seen that happen in your own life? It can! Our God is bigger than our fears. Swim in the ocean of His love with me! Even when we are fearful, we can be courageous; He holds us in His hands.

Inheritance

As I look back over my journals from this past week, I see there is a theme of love strong enough to free from bonds of fear and doubt, Hope that is greater than the hope that must die in surrender, and the Inheritance I have in place of what I lost. It's actually so crazy that all of these came together. I'm going to include parts of my journal because I think some of these things I wrote for my own soul may speak to your souls too.

Love strong enough
I am reading a little book "Note to Self" by Joe Thorn. It's so good... It has a specific passage of Scripture and then there is a letter to "self" that has so often spoken to exactly what I have been thinking after reading the passage of Scripture of thinking about the topic. This one was on love. This is a part of the letter that I wrote in my journal.

Dear self... You only know what love really is be looking to your Savior. And you learn it from him continually, not just once. You must daily go to the cross and see your Savior's love for the unlovable (that means you.)

Self, you need Jesus. You need him so badly. Oh soul, for your own sake, run to Jesus! He has all you need. In your surrender, he will give you joy, and in your pain there will be hope. Jesus, You are the King of my heart. Oh soul, stop trying to earn your Savior's love. You already have it. Stop trying to show him you are good enough; He was the one who sent his Son so that instead of seeing what He could only pour wrath on, when He looks at you he sees His Beloved. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself. He doesn't miss a thing. Stop trying to be more beautiful. The God of beauty does not make ugly things. Stop trying to be worthy of him. There is nothing in you that will ever be worthy enough, and that secures for you a certainty of love that you would never have if you were worthy. He loves you unconditionally! Dear soul, you are loved, and He calls you to live like it. He calls you to walk in freedom of the light of His love. He is worth it all! 

"We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not! For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." Galatians 2:15-21

"Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith?... Abraham believed and it was counted to him as righteousness." Galatians 3:2, 6 Belief, in Your eyes, is righteousness because belief is only from your Father.

On Wednesday, my prayer was from an Audrey Assad's song, "From the chains of a lesser love, You say, 'Be free.' Liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos." Look up, oh soul! Be not trapped in this cage of doubt. Your world is small because you only look at yourself. Oh, but do you not see all around you? The cage has been lifted. You are not a slave any longer, you are His daughter. He calls you, and He says, "Mine." You don't have to keep reaching out through bars. You are no longer a slave to fear. Reach out all the way! Your God will meet you even as you seek to do what He has called you to. Oh, don't shackle yourself where there are no shackles!
Hope that is greater
On Friday, God gave me peace enough to fall into His everlasting arms more through the process of surrendering. I asked for a new song as I let go of my favorite pebbles. That morning, I reread Ephesians 1 that we had read in the devotional for Missions class the day before. Ephesians 1:18 stuck out to me. "... having the eyes of your heart enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe." What better verse could my Father have used to soothe my heart that ached at the thought of letting go of my hopes for the future? In this moment, He said to me that He Himself had called me to a Hope, that in Him I had riches of a glorious inheritance that was better than my plans for me, and that His power to free me from fear was immeasurable. What a good Father!

Now that He has given me the gift of faith to see this hope, my prayer is that, as I continue to die to myself in giving up my hopes, He would show me more of this greater Hope that will keep holding me fast.

Inheritance in place of what was lost
Yesterday, as I read the next section of Galatians in the morning, verse 26 and 29 of chapter 3 stuck out to me. "...for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith... And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise." Heirs according to promise... This was something I could hold onto, for yesterday and for all my days.

Despite all the pebbles my Father had asked me to drop into His ocean, all the hopes that had been consumed by fire, and all the hopes that must still be surrendered, He was showing me that He was my Inheritance. And how much sweeter is He than all the idols I bowed to before?


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Dear child of God, the Lord is your chosen portion and your cup; He holds your future. The lines have fallen for you in pleasant places; indeed, you have a beautiful Inheritance in Him. (Psalm 16:5-6) The Hope that He holds out for you in your surrender is more of Himself. Will you say no to this? Because His love is stronger than our fears, stronger than anything that may keep us from surrendering completely, let's go and live like we're loved. 

Songs the Holy Spirit brought to mind this week:
"You Speak" by Audrey Assad
"Welcome Home" by Dutton
"Live Like Your're Loved" Hawk Nelson

Not With Pebbles

EXPECTATIONS

        |

        |

        |  }--------- DISAPPOINTMENT

        |

        |

   REALITY

Ever feel the disparity?
I was convicted in this past week's sermon when Pastor Jason said that God's plans often seem to go against our expectations. Does this mean that I am often disappointed with God? For me, that is what it has meant lately. Although I don't like to admit it and I didn't see that in myself till that sermon, it was kind of God to show it to me.

When God's plans are not your plans, is it not so easy to just wish that He had the same agenda as you? To wish that he would take away pain when you wanted it to be taken away, to wish that he would give you a certain relationship sooner, even to wish that he would just hurry up in giving you contentment? Though the things we wish for may be good, when you see this impatience in yourself, does it not tell you something is wrong? Does not this impatience, even in having more of a hunger for God, which is one of the best desires you can have, undermine the process of waiting? The full surrender to God's time table? When we hold impatience, we steal from ourselves the joy of surrender. Surrender takes impatience's place when we lift up empty hands to God and ask Him to fill them with whatever He will, while also asking him for the strength to be thankful for whatever he gives us in his good plan and his good time. Impatience, discontentment, and lack of joy do not have to rule you. Did Jesus not die for even this?

God has been gently bringing me to a point of surrendering more and more radically things that I have held on to for a long time. A few nights ago, he gave me the peace I needed to completely give to him hopes for the future and thoughts that I had obsessed over for too long. I wrote a letter, surrendering specific dreams of mine to him and then burned it as I sang worship songs that re-calibrated my heart to trust. I needed that.

He had brought me to the pier overlooking his goodness and had asked me if I would let go of the pebbles I held on to, all of my plans and my dreams for me. I had looked out over his goodness and asked, "But Daddy, will I ever see these pebbles again?" 

He had said to me, "Daughter, I will never ask you to do anything that will not give you more of Me." 

"But Daddy, these are my favorite pebbles. I don't know what I will do without them." As I began to cry, he had lifted my chin to look into his gentle face, wiped my tears, and smiled. 

"Trust me, dear heart. I AM Enough."

Slowly, I had reached out my hand over the pier and dropped each pebble, one by one, into the vast ocean. Piece by piece, I had watched that letter burn. I knew that there were more pebbles in the bottom of the ocean and that inevitably there were better ones.

My Savior stepped into the water and reached out his hand to me. "You have chosen what is better. And now, with your hands that are empty of your idols, will you take my hand and explore My goodness?" Did it really matter that there may be better pebbles in his ocean? My Father had called me, me, to explore his goodness with him and I couldn't swim with pebbles. "Please, Daddy," I said. "I want to follow You." 

The last letters were consumed in the fire and as I sang, "Like a bride waiting for her groom, we'll be a church ready for you..." I rubbed the ashes of my surrender into the cement until there was not a single raised flake. I wanted to be rid of any desires that were keeping me from following my Savior out onto the water, keeping me from taking his hand and exploring his goodness. Tears mingled with ashes, and yet I felt a freedom. Freedom that I had longed for. I felt in my heart that Jesus was stronger than even my desires for anything but him. He was drawing his child to himself yet again.

Dear reader, surrender is harder than you can know and sweeter than you will ever be able to imagine. And your Savior calls you out into the water explore His goodness. What are the pebbles that keep you from taking his hand in full surrender? Believe, dear heart, that there is so much better in his ocean. But praise God, you will not make it to those better gifts until you have plumbed the depths of his goodness with him!

Inevitable Grace

Wow, what a week it has been! Just a week ago I was dreading the first day of school. But so much has happened since then! And it is too good to not be shared.

The night before classes started, my family prayed with me that God would take away the feeling of dread that had been looming for so long over the start of another school year. I kept thinking about the daily grind ahead of me -- waking up, going to school, going to study somewhere, coming home, going to sleep, repeat... I wanted no part of it. I realize now that what I had left out of that daily grind when I was anticipating it were the things that have eternal value, sanctifying time with God and with my community of believers. But I was in a cloud -- I couldn't see any good in the path I was about to enter again. But I prayed for faith, and I prayed to be surprised.

The next morning I woke up and looked out the window. Oh no, it's the first day of school...There was that dread. But why? "God," I begged, "Please, please give me joy! I really need You today, and I really feel my need. I can't do this without You..." I rolled out of bed and made myself coffee and then settled down for a my long anticipated time with Him in Hosea and Psalm 119. I read, "Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you." I felt that. It is time to seek the Lord. "Lord, come to me like rain," I prayed, hardly daring to hope. 

And yet, I felt stronger than I had before letting my mind and heart sit under His Word. I felt more ready to go to class. 

My first class was Missions. When I got to the church, climbed those 3 familiar flights of stairs and stepped into that familiar classroom, I realized something had happened. Where was that sense of dread? It should be strongest about now. And what was this? Was this joy? Excitement? I greeted my professor and classmates and felt a freedom to love them that I was not expecting. Where was all the fear of man that I had been fully expecting to accompany me inside those doors? 

It was gone. God had done a miracle!

I was fully there in class, drinking in every word my Professor said as we studied Ephesians 1, who we are in Christ. I noticed that over and over again, Paul says "in Christ," "in him," through Jesus," "in Jesus Christ". It was beautiful. I felt my Father saying, "I am here with you. You have been seeing yourself and your circumstances through your assumptions of what others see, but it is the way I see that really matters. And I love you." 

I felt prompted to write down a list of grace I saw in my professor and almost came out with half a page of things I saw God in. It was beautiful. I had never thought to do that before, but it was so encouraging. He was so loving and pastoral, really wanting us to get, in our hearts as well as minds, what it meant to be united with Christ. Even after we heard about God's saving work in our professor's life as he gave some of his life story and had gone on to talk about the syllabus, that joy didn't go away. I am still amazed by its presence. God surprised me like I didn't imagine he would.

I had prayed that God would give me a taste of how this year could be better than last, and he was definitely beginning to!

Yesterday was the fourth day of classes, and I can tell this semester's theme will be one of overcoming fear. Last year, I felt like God drew my attention to the destroying sin of fear of man specifically, but these last few days I feel a broader emphasis on my fears in general. 

In Wednesday chapel, I felt God impressing on my heart through the songs we sang and Scripture that we read that his victory over sin and death and Satan was what can overcome my fears. I am asking Him to make His victory more real and personal to me so that I have, as my professor prayed for me just before chapel, "the courage of a lion." 

I asked for hope, He gifted me joy too. I asked for faith, he gifted me sight. I asked for strength, He gave me courage. I asked for a reason to sing, He also gave me a song. I asked for good, He gave me BEST. He is a good Father.

These words that Paul spoke reflect what I feel today, looking back on last year and looking ahead to a new one: 

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

Dear reader, don't take it from me. Find out for yourself. God can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine. Pray for grace; He has oceans of it.

Inevitable Waves Mean Inevitable Grace

Sometimes only pictures can adequately describe what you've always known to be true in the back of your mind but could never quite put your finger on. With this picture, I look into it and see that this wave is life. It is a tunnel leading to glory beyond. It is dark but still reflects the glory of the Son. It is short lived, as waves are, and before you know it, it is gone. It is meant to be enjoyed. As a surfer reaches out and touches the wall of water as he glides to the other side, so I am meant to enjoy the gift of life my Father has given me and be in the world but not of it.

On a smaller scale, this wave is also what I picture when I think about the next two years of school, or this semester specifically. Looking through the wave from this side, it seems longer than it is. I am thinking about when the semester ends before it's even begun. I'm thinking about my life after school before my second year starts. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester, the end of these next two years, the end of this life when I will be with Jesus.

What is it about this semester that makes me look forward to the end before the beginning? Why am I only seeing the dark side of the wave as if the reflection of the sun is hiding from me? I don't know. God, please show me. All I know is that I have so many fears, and I am dreading Monday. This is where I've been for a few weeks, but especially as it gets closer.

This is what I feel. But feelings can be so fickle and they often lie... So what do I know?

I know that Bethlehem College and Seminary is still where God wants me. I know that He taught me so many invaluable lessons in and outside of the classroom last semester -- lessons that I don't want to go on the mission field without -- and that He can do it again. I know that where He calls He gives the strength for His children to follow His call. I know that openness and honesty with my community of brothers and sisters about my fears has been an instrument in freeing me from them and that prayer with others has given me so much hope in the past and will continue to do so if I seek it out. I know that this year should not be as academically hard because I am taking three classes instead of four, which leaves time for ministry on the side. And I know that that ministries God has opened the doors to get involved in (Sunday School small group leader for 1st graders, involvement in the lives of hurting people, and who knows what else!) are things I can be excited about!

So why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God! For I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42:5,8)

To any who may be in the same boat of dread, let's pray together that the Lord of the wind and waves will give us joy in the morning and restore to us the joy of His salvation so that He is all we see as we walk on the water. It is true that inevitable waves mean inevitable grace! I'm holding on to that.

When Black Comes Alive

For now we see through a glass darkly, but then we shall see face to face. 1 Corinthians 13:12

It is a hard thing to think of something more beautiful than the Words of God being shown to be true as they connect deeply to the tiny details of a person's life.

A friend pointed me to the book of 2 Corinthians today. That is another beautiful thing -- when brothers and sisters point each other to true life in the Scriptures. There is something to be said for knowing where someone is in their struggles and pointing them to a passage in the Bible where you feel God may speak to them in their situation. It is not for sure it will take root in their hearts, but there is nothing to lose if we point them to it and then pray that it will. In fact, it is more likely there is something to lose if we don't.

I thank God because the soil of my heart was open when I finally read 2 Corinthians 4-5. I read...

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart...

I looked back, realizing the ministry it was talking about was ministry of the Spirit, which, in my life right now, takes the form of encouraging several close friends and family of mine who are having trouble believing God is good in their suffering. I read on.

...But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, which is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of god in the face of Jesus Christ.

This made me think of the Muslim woman that I want to keep a relationship going with for the purpose of showing her that Jesus is working in my life and that the way to Him is better than the way she is taking. The gospel may be veiled to her for now, but this is a reminder how important it is to pray for God to protect her from having her mind blinded by the god of this world to the glory of Christ. This takes off the pressure from me because I am not proclaiming myself but Jesus Christ as Lord, and myself as Jesus' servant. It is not me she is rejecting, it is God. That gets my selfishness out of the way. I kept reading.

...But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 

Wow! No kidding. It's up to God and not me? This is good news. HE is the powerful One and I just follow as He gives me the privilege to be part of His plan for salvation to those whom He chooses. I need to be reminded of this so much...

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. 

I forget that this life of following God is full of things that feel like death because I am in the process of dying to sin in myself and living to righteousness. I am called to carry around the death of Jesus so that His life may also be manifested in me! If this is to what I am called, it does mot make sense to be surprised at suffering. I am not surprised... I think my problem is that I forget the reason I can have joy in the midst of it -- I am living God's call. This reminds me that His power is perfected in my weaknesses. NOTHING can overcome the power of God! When I am having a good day, it is He who gives that gift, and He is glorified; when I suffer, I know that His life will be manifested in my flesh as well, and He is glorified; when I am strong, it is because of Him and He is glorified; when my weaknesses show, His power is so much more obvious in my life, and He is glorified! 

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written," I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

I am realizing more and more the temporary nature of this life, sometimes to the point of thinking everything is vanity, even serving God. I need to keep being reminded to look at the things that are seen in light of the things that are unseen, the transient in light of the eternal, because that gives the transient eternal value. I want to increase thanksgiving -- my own and those around me -- by extending the grace that I have been given to more and more people. 

For we know that if he tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we grown, being burdened -- not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 

Twice, it says, "while we are in this tent we groan", and this is what I find myself doing more and more, longing to be further clothed so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by true Life. And even now I am being prepared for this by the One who gave me the Spirit as a guarantee. I think it all comes back to patience and trusting God's timing is best and that, somehow, though I long to be with Jesus now, He wants me to have hope for the present because, like all His gifts, it is good. Isn't that why it is called the present?

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 

Twice, he says, "we are of good courage." Is this You speaking to my fears, Father? Sometimes I am afraid of being at home in the body and away from you. Please give me enough faith to walk by, and help me to make it my aim to please you in the present.

It All Comes Back to You in Your Book

I know that if God gives me a forever love story, it will be a beautiful one because I've waited so long. The longer a heart waits for something the sweeter it is when it is tasted.

But what about now? What do I do meanwhile? I'm sitting here listening to sad music on a music box while listening to a thunderstorm on Youtube... God, I need you to keep showing me my purpose on this earth. You've shown me how it is not my home, but now I just feel so not at home here that I ache, I literally ache, to be with You where I belong. I want to keep feeling that I am a stranger in this world, but if I lose focus of why You are keeping me here, I will be wasting my life. I don't want to live a wasted life. A wasted life is not worth living.

Father, my heart thinks it lacks so many things. But really, what I lack is contentment in the here and now You've given me. My life will not begin once I get married. My life will not begin once I am overseas doing life with a people I love and teaching them of Your goodness. My life will not begin once I am done with Bethlehem College & Seminary. It began twenty three years and three months ago when You held my cells together in the miracle of conception. And from that moment, my life has been growing with purpose, a purpose that You had planned before the creation of the world.

I know that I am here to glorify You and to enjoy You, but sometimes I think that I would enjoy You more in heaven without the ugliness of sin clouding my vision of You. But if that were true, I would be in Heaven now because You say everything works for my good. Show me the good in the lack I feel? Please. I know that I am here to glorify You and enjoy You, but sometimes I wish You would share with me the exact purpose of my life specifically, what I am to do and who I am to be that will glorify You most and how I am to enjoy You most fully.

I know that the pot can't say to the Potter, "Why have you made me like this?", and yet sometimes I feel like I am the pot asking the Potter, "What did you make me for? Just show me what you want me to do." I feel it is so obvious, and yet why do I miss it? God, You opened my blind eyes to Your beauty. Now I am asking You to open my blind eyes to why You have me here on earth. Please give me a reason to sing that I can't let go of. Please give me a reason to live that I am ready to die for. Make me brave because I am so afraid...

When I want to share my heart with another, let me be content in sharing it with You when those desires cannot be met in a way that pleases You. When I want to be in a different season in life, let me see the harvest in the season You have placed me. When I remember the good times from days past, remind me of Your goodness that will continue and Your faithfulness that will never leave me. When I start to lose hope for my future, remind me my future is Yours and that You are weaving a tapestry that someday I will be able to marvel at. When I start to believe the lie that my life begins some day far off that I can't imagine right now, show me the purpose that You have for me today. When my eyes start looking at myself and becoming despondent, open my eyes to those around me who need Your love. When I think that I am all out of love to give, show me how deep Your love is for me in the pages of Your Book and cause my heart to fall in love with Your truth again. When I despair of reading Your Book with joy, open my eyes to wonderful things in Your Word again and give me a new wonder.

It all comes back to You. It all comes back to seeing and savoring Jesus in Your book.

Is that why I'm discontent? Have I not been digging some days, truly mining Your Word and rejoicing over the jewels I have found? Is it that some days my heart has become the soil with weeds and the cares of this world and the passing pleasures of it have choked out the desire for Your Word? Oh forgive me. Refresh my joy in lasting Beauty! Why have I become satisfied with so little? Give my heart an appetite only Your beauty can satisfy!

Your son, C. S. Lewis, once said, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” Oh, protect me from being far too easily pleased. That is a danger I most dread.

Music I listened to while writing this: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKjJhiXtpF4 

Resolution to See Grace

It hit me today, though you'd think it would have hit me earlier, that I need to write more.

Last year, with all the assignments that kept me busy at Bethlehem College & Seminary in Minnesota, I did not have enough outlets to process the things I was learning in school and God was teaching me outside the classroom. There was so much coming IN to my brain and so many things happening inter-personally that I forgot the importance of letting some of that stuff OUT. Art and writing and verbally processing with another human being are ways that I process things, but with no art supplies, no means of getting them and a combination of not realizing my need for writing and verbally processing with someone and lack of time, I did not make use of these means of grace hardly at all.... And I went CRAZY.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If I want this year to be different I need to make a change now, and a change that I can track. This year, I am asking for God's sustaining grace to help me write a blog post once a week on Wednesdays -- we'll start small -- about something that I have observed that week, something that He is teaching me, something that encouraged me to keep going, newfound hope for the future, anything. I just keep thinking of the verse in Hebrews that says, "Make sure to encourage one another as long as it is called today so that you will not be hardened by sin's deceitfulness" (Hebrews 13:3, emphasis added). I definitely was hardened by sin's deceitfulness last year because I was not seeking out enough ways to not only find community, but to encourage myself by recounting God's faithfulness and tracking His work in my life. I don't want to do that again. Jesus, help!

This blog used to be called "Secrets of the Journey", aptly named because of my desire to share the lessons God was teaching me that were only visible from my point of view because they were specifically designed for me. My desire was that by sharing those lessons others would be encouraged too. I still want to do that. Later, I named it "Walking in the Grip of Grace" after I realized that my whole journey in which I had been learning lessons from the hand of God was taken while in His hands, or in the "grip of Grace" Himself. My emphasis was on Grace because He showed me who He was in a way I had never seen before, and I want to keep sharing those things He shows me in my blog posts. Even if I only have 5 minutes on a Wednesday (I know it's not Wednesday, but yesterday was and Thursdays can be makeup days if necessary ;) ) I want to write with the intention of processing the past week through the lens of Grace.

Father, you say that "In his heart a man plans his course but the LORD directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). I am trying to plan a course that is pleasing to you, but I need your blessing. Please give me the strength and motivation to write each week and allow it to not only encourage my soul but also the souls of anyone who reads. Though I am resolving to see grace, the resolution is futile unless I have Your grace to see it. Natural eyes have no eyes for grace. Would you gift me with grace to see Grace? Oh, open my eyes to Your beauty, and please teach this heart to see beyond this world and be thankful! In the name of Him who loves my soul. Amen.

The Reason for the Storm

Yesterday, You showed me something that I was blind to and needed to see.

I was out on the water with two of Your daughters

Laughing and talking about life

The view was perfect as it started to rain

Little droplets beaded on the water

And shone like diamonds on the water's plain

The water grew cold as it stuck to our skin

And we climbed back into the boat

As we started rowing out into the haze

We saw lightning and then loud thunder

As it got closer, the fear began to rise

Dipping my oar into the water,  it all felt so surreal

I began to hear screams around me

And realized that my friends were afraid to die

Prayers were offered up to our Father

While I silently wished the storm would end my life

We made our way quickly to shore to stay close to the trees

Hugging the water's edge, we rowed

As the canoe moved, I saw it fill with lake

I knew we were safe as far as humans go

Yet I longed for my sight to prove my faith

"Can You take me Home now?" my heart longed but couldn't pray

Before I knew it, we were on shore

Draining the canoe, I felt my heart sink

And while my sisters rejoiced, I felt a loss

We were the kind of safe I didn't want to be

As we tied the boat securely to ride back to camp

I looked out over the water

Wishing the lightning had only taken me

One more close call and I still wasn't Home

What would it take for my life to be free?

We joined our brothers and the girls' thankful story told

I gazed at their smiling faces

Wondering why they still desired to live

I stayed silent, not feeling thankful

Life seems resilient when you don't want it

For a few minutes earlier I had been alone

Watching the pouring rain fall down

I realized this desire had been suppressed

And only Your storm could have brought it out

I lay on the ground trying to see purpose

My eyes were level to the street, and as each drop fell

I heard a thought that was not my own

It was gentle as it said, "Look at these drops

Are they not short-lived? These drops are like you

Their life is to impact the ground they wet

And yet they are not alone. They are part of many

One by itself is not enough

But together they all cover the dry ground

Seeping into the cracks to make things grow

In the same way, you are far from alone

Your short life is to impact the people around you

To show them I make all things new

And to point to the Heaven from whence you came

Like the rain, I will raise you from the ground

But as you saw, today is not that day

The reason you remain is because I want you here

You are not done with your purpose

I see Your sadness, but look for my plan

Despite what you feel, it is for your joy"

My tears fell like the rain around them.

Now I'm looking for your purpose, because I know You want me here. Show this little raindrop the joy that comes in each new growth, and let me not despise the days I have left. But I will keep asking You, Jesus, please come soon and take me past the clouds to be with You. For now, I wait. Give me strength to be who You made me to be -- the wettest raindrop to saturate the dry ground around me. I need You.

Ebeneezer: Thus Far You Have Brought Me

A little over a year ago, You called me to go to Bethlehem College and Seminary. I did not know at the time what a journey of faith You would lead me on, and in the process of it I did not really know if I would come out alive this side of Heaven. But today marks the end of my first year at Bethlehem, and I can see the fingerprints of Your faithfulness on my life all along the way. Where You call You truly DO give the grace to follow, even when that grace comes just in time to take another breath and then another and then another... Forgive my doubt of Your power, my Father. Thank you for showing me this year like no other that You want to take my weaknesses and not only shine despite them but through them! What a journey. Keep holding my hand because You have shown me how much I need You.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Who Are You, Really?

YOU ARE NOT your sin.
You are not the sin you hide deep in your heart and behind closed doors when you think no one is watching. You are not the sin that is destroying you. But... don't you see that it is destroying you? Don't you see that each time you don't speak back to the temptation you lay upon yourself a weight that in the long run entangles you and turns your eyes away from Life? Don't you see that every time you believe the lie that this is better than a pure heart before Jesus your heart hardens just a little more? You are building for yourself a castle of crystallized lies, an icy castle that will surely melt in the light of the Son when he comes again to find those who were faithful to him on earth. Don't you want to be holy? Have you tasted the joy of the REAL feast that is set before you in your King's presence? Will you really be satisfied with the filth that you so easily turn back to over this?

True Beauty is calling you, True Joy is inviting you into unbroken communion. Don't be satisfied with broken cisterns. Only your Father is the Living Water. And he is not only your Father, he is Lord. You were made to be ruled by HIM, NOT your flesh. You are kicking against goads in vain. It is you who destroys yourself... But it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). Sin is crouching at the door. It desires to devour you, but you must rule over it (Genesis 4:7). Friend, I plead with you, actively pursue holiness without which no one will see the LORD! Lay your sin at Jesus' feet and you will see it for what it really is -- the enemy. Look up to Jesus' face and KILL your sin. Over and over slay it until it ceases to writhe in its death throws. The power you see now when you look at your sin is a façade, a façade designed to make you think that you are the victim. But who is your God, oh sinner? He is the Victor and you are his heir! If we have an inheritance of victory, does it make sense to keep choosing defeat?

I say this because I need to hear these words as much as I need to say them. The discipline of my Father and his kindness that leads me to repentance is showing me just how disgusting my sin is in the light of his Beauty. From one redeemed soul to another, let's live like we're loved. Let's walk like we're free, because WE ARE.

Till I See You

This side of Heaven, we stand at dark bars

Grounded on soil but reaching for stars

Looking into the endless Beauty beyond

How long till I see Your face?

The world becomes dark as sheer glory is cast

Across sapphire skies forever stretching, vast

Gifts are made to grow dimmer till Giver comes at last

Oh, how long till I see Your face?

From depths of sorrow and lack tearful longing was sown

Yet You've given me a gift, seeing what has then grown

Strong hope for what is not seen till the Unseen is shown

How long till Sight replaces faith?

Now, as one gazing into a mirror so dim,

Wanting to cross the chasm yet standing on the brim

Till I can know Him fully I seek to know only Him

For my Desire, in hope I now wait.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

Lack of Good or Good in the Lack

I often think of surrender as a one time thing... that is, until I have surrendered something and feel it coming back to haunt me. As many times as it takes to surrender, I will, until these stubborn feelings remain in Your hands and Yours alone. God, I have given this to You before. Would You keep them in Your hands? I know You are not the One letting go; I am the one taking them back. But I don't want them... why would I take them back? Oh my heart, even I don't understand! But You know all things, even the depths of my deceptive heart. And yet, You love. Despite me, You love!

And because You love, no good thing do You withhold from me. Help me believe this. Would You be pleased to show me the good gifts that You are giving me and let my eyes be unblinded, for right now I only see what seems to be withheld. But since I know that You do not withhold good from Your children is a fact, I want to see the good in lack or the good in the gift that is now, to me, invisible.

Do Not Lose Heart in Your Surrender

As you sit there, I put you before the throne of God. As you go about your every day, I lay you at His feet, trusting that He is doing something good and that He has something better for me if He is not giving me you.

"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." He is GOOD! Oh my soul, do not believe the lie that says otherwise!

Do not believe the devil when he wants to make you believe your God does not see your pain. He sees; He knows it better than you yourself, and He is in the process of refining you as gold.

Speak, Oh my soul! Tell of the goodness of the Lord! You must speak truth back to the lies if you are to fight well. And if you do not fight well, you will be carried along in their torrent and cease to believe that all this pain has a purpose.

Oh my soul, this pain has a purpose! He is not letting you go! On the contrary, He is preparing you as a beautiful Bride dressed for Himself in His righteousness and His alone!

Do not lose heart, dear heart...

He Will Come Like Rain

It's raining, and the smell of wet earth wafts in the open window. Oh Jesus, You are good to me. I haven't smelled that smell in so long. As the dark storm clouds gather, I think of everything that comes with rain... wind, clouds, darkness. I think I am finally starting to appreciate the severity of this past semester, the wind of lies that would seek to shake me, the clouds of doubt that ultimately God is not good, and the darkness of despair and then apathy.

Father, I think I am finally starting to see that when I asked to be more like You, I was asking for this. You answered. When I asked You to show me my sin, I didn't know I was asking to see it every day, in every class, with every person I interact with. But this is what I needed because this is how You answered. When I asked You to humble me, I didn't know I was asking for such dark doubts and strong lies that would lead to crippling insecurities that would drain some of my ugly pride. But this is what I needed because this is how You answered. When I asked for suffering, I didn't realize it would mean my grandpa dying. I didn't realize it would mean such deep grief and seeing my hope in this world fade away. But I see this is what I needed because this is how You answered...

Yet the storm has scared me into hiding. The wind of lies has pushed me off my feet until I was stumbling. The clouds of doubt have overtaken me and I have lost my way in the fog, looking for the Light. The darkness of despair has overwhelmed me and I have hidden in a darkness of my own. The storm has scared me into hiding, and I confess I have not stretched my hands out to the rain in acceptance of it. I have said, "Father, let this cup pass from me. Please do my will because I cannot bear for Yours to be done."

But Father, You promised that no temptation will seize me beyond what I can bear, even the temptation to remain discouraged. You say that in the temptation You will provide a way out so that I can stand up under it! (1 Corinthians 10:13). Oh, show me that way. You have promised that you You do not withhold any good thing from those who walk with You (Psalm 84:11). Help me cling to this truth for dear life!

Jesus, in the last few months, I have longed to see Your face in such a way that I have lost sight of my Joy in this life. Every day, I long for Heaven. Almost every day, You have heard my plea, "Jesus, won't You please come soon?" I long to see You like one would long to see the one they love when they are countries away. There's an aching in my chest, an emptiness that longs to be filled. Why can't I see You today, in all Your glory? I long to have Your hand wipe away my every tear as You have promised to do, and show me the bottle You have kept of all my sorrows that You had a purpose for. I long to run on the streets of gold, to sit with You by the shining sea and cling to Your garment in worship as You whisper to me what I already know: "I AM more than enough for You."

Oh, Jesus, but do I long for these things so deeply because I do not believe this now? Is this longing because I miss You? Do I long for these things like this because it is I who have deprived myself of time with You, leting the worries and darkness of this life choke the Light You have shined upon me... Has the cry of my heart, "Lord, how long?" been answered by Your words, "Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"?

Oh, Father, forgive my lack of joy in Your presence NOW, on earth as it will be in heaven. Forgive my lack of belief in precious truths I have had at my fingertips. Forgive me for my despair and doubts and discouragement in which I have chosen to see the waves around me as more powerful than Your hand that reaches out to help me walk on water...

Now, as I see the wind slowing, the clouds receding, the darkness lifting, I see the Son shine through the droplets of rain. I see the Son illuminating the pain and giving me a new perspective. There is beauty in the pain; it was not... it is NOT meaningless. 

Oh Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

I realize now I couldn't have the rain without the storm. I can't have the blessing of Your presence without seeing all else pail in comparison to You. Jesus, You have come like rain to me in all the severeness of this blessing. And now You give me the grace to say, "Thank You."

I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need

"Though You Slay Me" Shane & Shane

Oh my soul: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us know the LORD; let us press on to know him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3

Severe Blessing

You were the first who let me see
There could be someone else,
You gave me a window into the potential
But now, how can I put you to rest?

He has given me a gift in you
A gift of a brother
But I feel so ungrateful
Because that is not the gift I wanted
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me

I watch you and I see your heart
One that He has broken to make it beautiful
And I love the beautiful that He has made
You challenge me to live and love well
I could follow someone like you to forever

Now when I see you I know I can only think
Of what I could not gain that I have already lost
And you don't know what you do to me
But it is something I can never divulge
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me

How do I grieve what I have not had?
And yet, I feel the need to grieve you
Though I have not lost our friendship
I have lost the hope that I put into its future

Were you another crutch I put my hope in?
Another thing in which I found joy?
And now God takes you away to show me He is all I need
I pray that you can glorify God with her
Or this too could be a lesson I am learning at your expense

You are such a good friend
I did not have a category for someone so nice
I had so many assumptions
And began to believe attractive lies
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me

Please, I am fragile; just be gentle
My heart can't take too much of you
Please, I am weak; don't care so much
I will pray from afar and learn to love differently

The creation that is you
Is one that God called good and His
He has a plan for you that is for your good
If that plan is with someone else
He still does not withhold good from me

Oh, friend. Though you know it not
You are a severe blessing to me

Light in Darkness

Entry #3 on Doctrine Day

These thoughts came to my mind as I sat in class and listened to my professors and listened to the questions of others. It was like in that hour and 50 minutes I heard God and felt him closer than in the rest of the day so far. Funny... It just struck me now as I was writing that that in the darkest time of my day, He shows His light to me most... Hmm, how incredibly kind.

When I was thinking about one of my classmates asking me how I was doing earlier and not following up, I was tempted to feel kind of bitter. But then God, perhaps as an admonition brought this thought into my mind: "You see value in people in their works, how nice they are. But what about my work done for them?" I wrote this down and thought, yes, I am thinking of these people as less because I see them working so hard with not as many struggles as I have and I just think they are robots. What kind of human is like this? Then this leads to a downward spiral of thinking less of them as human beings, as God's children. This is so wrong...

Then I thought, what is the common denominator between all the people in class that I don't like? That I look down on? It was as if I felt God say, "Those you don't like are the ones you talk to least." I feel that I have been given a gift to find the humanity in all humans. In several conversations I have a tendency to find what is hard for them, something that I find that we can share. But when I don't talk to people, I am unable to find these things.

Another thought I had regarding my lack of Bible reading that morning despite the fact that I had skipped class and had an extra hour and a half to read and spend time with my Healer was this: "You don't read the Bible because you don't believe that I will speak to You." He's right. I do believe that he can speak to me. I just don't believe that He will, and that unbelieving sin leads to the sin of inaction in spending time with the only One who can satisfy me.

In regard to the tendency in my thinking to be upset in class because I feel like the small notes on the board don't accurately depict God and tend to be like picking apart the parts of a fire in a way in which the fire can't burn any more afterwards. And I want God's glory to burn for all it's worth in my heart! But I felt Him saying, "You are not looking at me on the board, just a representation to help you understand a bigger reality." This helped because I found the kindness of the statement led me to repentance at my anger at the inanimate object of the writing on the board.

God then brought back the thought of why I don't like some of my classmates. It was as if he said, "What you need is to see is why I love them. God, please show me. Show me that their value, just like mine, is in You and You alone. And because You never change, Your value never does, and therefore, theirs does not either.

Then my mind drifted to all the work that I did not want to do. I felt comfort in the thought: "I am able to give you strength for what you don't want to do." That dispelled the lie that I couldn't do it.

I then thought about how I do my homework and how I have high expectations for myself and how I play to the tune of the professors as well. I felt Him say, "Even in doing your homework, you are trying to please man. How can you please me?" God, I want to please You and for that to be my goal. But please, show me how I can do that.

I also was hit with the joyful but painful realization that a prayer I had prayed with a friend while in Texas over spring break was answered. It was the prayer that God would help me not to read into things with a guy here because I was fairly sure he just wanted to be a brother in Christ, and I told myself that I wanted only that too. But when he told me and another friend just before break ended that he was praying about talking to a girl about pursuing her and then had that conversation with her, I was crushed. He had given me hope, not on purpose, but it was there. As I sat there in class, I lifted up a frustrated, almost angry cry to God: "You've given me a gift of a brother when I wanted something more." But it is a gift. This is my crucible. He is taking away literally all that I take joy in. This is a severe blessing.

Into Your Hands, I Commit My Grief...

Could it be that after all this time I may have to drop a class? Has it come down to this? Maybe it's hard because I know I need to face my humanity. But it's hard when others around me are not needing this kind of release.

God, I pray that tomorrow, in each talk with my professors (or whenever I have them) that You will make Your will crystal clear to me as far as what work I can let go and just keep moving ahead and what work, if any I should cut all together and drop from. Father, please allow my professors to be gracious in understanding, and also to ask questions if anything is unclear so that unnecessary assumptions won't be made that will hurt communication in the end.

You promise that You will never give us more than we can handle but that in the temptation you will provide a way out so that we can stand up under it. Right now I am being tempted to despair and let discouragement paralyze me. Please give me a way out, and I will take it. Would You open my eyes to see that way out because right now it's hard to recognize the gifts You give me from the things Satan is trying to twist to His own ends.

I know all of this is in Your hands... my academics, my professor's hearts, my homework, every morning I wake up to, my future, my joy. I just want to keep putting it back there where it belongs because I tend to want to take things out of Your hands and then despair that You are not good, when in reality, I am just trying to see truth through a cloud of unbelief. It doesn't work.