Personal Growth Project

This was an assignment for Discipleship class that I found really helpful in heart digging.

Accompanying the habit of grace of fellowship, one passage I kept thinking about this semester was John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  

I chose this passage because the Holy Spirit kept bringing it to mind over the semester. However, in my self-pity, I tried to apply it to the people around me instead of myself. I kept thinking, “If I can’t see the love my brothers and sisters in Christ have for each other and for me, how will non-believers be able to see it?” This question kept nagging me and the irreconcilable truth of the lack of love that I was seeing and Jesus’ command left me frustrated and deeply disappointed in the people of God. I kept asking God, “How long will your people be cold to me? If I don’t feel loved in a community like this, how will I feel loved anywhere?” I was so deep in the pit of despair I could only see the sins of others around me. I felt incapable of loving others. When I would talk to them, my mind was literally blank – I couldn’t up with questions to show them I cared. I just hoped desperately they had the capacity to love me because I literally felt unable to love them.

I didn’t realize it before this course, but I was used to having love poured out on me from my family and friends back home. They knew me and my struggles and were able to meet me where I was and vice versa. Loving others that I knew well looked like keeping up with their life, asking questions, and taking time to talk to them. Just as I was growing in that grace more, I moved to Minnesota… Now the question was how can I love those I don’t know? The logical conclusion? – start by getting to know them. However, when I found the ability to converse that would start that process was not there, I tried to hide, hoping someone would come after me in my darkness. My High Priest who has been tempted in every way that I am was the only One who met me there and showed me He still loved me beyond my best imaginings. The Holy Spirit convicted me with this verse: “If you love others who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who are good to you? What credit is that to you? Even sinners do good to those who are good to them.” My prayer constantly was, “Lord, continue to show me your deep love for me so that my cup will overflow to others!” This led me back to getting in the Word and prayer in the moment to give me a caring heart for those I feel have wronged me by not loving me. When, instead of waiting for others to reach out, I reached out to them, the Lord blessed those efforts, and I have seen several new friendships from the strength God gave me to persevere in doing good.  

My prayer is still the same for the future. Without His love deeply felt in my heart, all that will come out are droplets of love – if any at all. He is the ever-flowing fountain of love; I am only a cup. I must drink from His river of Life as He freely gives to me in order to be successful in loving my brothers and sisters, who are human and weak, just as I am. But God’s grace is sufficient for me! When I don’t have the desire to commune with Christ in His Word or prayer, I pray He gives me strength to seek out fellowship that will spur me on to love and good deeds. These habits are a cycle of grace for my soul.