The Card I Haven't Played

I write this with pain in my hard of hearts;
I've worn my feelings on my sleeve,
But my emotions go way deeper.
I have so much to say, but it must be screamed
In a gut-wrenching cry that can't be quelled.
I am done with using words and
Not falling apart.
All other cards have been played in my deck;
All is out for them to see,
All is out except for one.
Will the King of Hearts ever be seen?
Biting back those raging torrents
Behind stubborn eyes cannot be the solution.
But do I dare show them myself,
Raw and worn like they've never seen me?
It is but truth that is hidden from their sight
Because they don't know what goes on behind walls.
What about those who don't live in my world--
Those with a tint of "perfect" on their glasses
That blinds them to the pain?
Can I shatter their world and show them
what's real?

Do I dare?

You tell those who are stronger than you you.
But who is stronger than you?
The very ones you hide from.
And they refuse to understand...

No, I can only hid the screams and
Stuff the pain,
Muffle the cries and turn away while I pour out my insides.
Only God above the stars sees me.
Only he whom I cry to in agony
Can hear my plea.
Only he knows the truth and
Sees the card that I haven't played.

Mere Words and Promises...

...things everyone wishes to hear or longs to say and give. How often are they true or kept? Rarely. Which is what makes those that are so special.

You are the warmth in my heart

One reason it is beating

The light in your eyes

When you laugh fills my being

     I ask to see you smile

     Because to me it is the sun

     But I will hold you when tears cloud your sky

     And when the rain will come

I do not solely want you 

When everything is fine

In all the steps of this journey

My love yours and yours is mine

Our steps will be like footprints

In the sands of time

Going on and on forever

And always side by side

They may fade when waves pass over

But their memory remains

Under trials love grows stronger

And always stays the same

     I ask to see your smile

     Because to me it is the sun

     But I will hold you when tears cloud your sky

     And when the rain comes

     I want to see you happy

     But when your smile dies away

     I'll hold you in my arms and

     We'll cry the pain away

     This life has many burdens

     Heartaches, cares and  plights

     But know that love is holding you

     Even when no end's in sight

   
   
   

Silhouette of Evil

I was driving down my street, and there was a gray mustang driving in front of me. All of a sudden, it stopped and someone popped out of the sun roof right at the junction of our road and another that comes up a hill. He pulled out a gun as the car was still driving and shot straight down the road until the car had passed it. He must have felt me watching him because he turned around and gave me a death glare and then quickly got back in his car which immediately spun around so fast the tires squealed. The car raced past me and overshot me. By this point I was almost at my house. My driving could not have felt slower. The gray mustang spun around again and started following me. Thankfully, he had lost a lot of time going so fast and overshooting me, so I got to my house before he did.

I parked the car as fast as I could, crooked in the driveway, and ran to the front door, fumbling at my keys to get in. When I did get in, I quickly ran to my room and peeked out one of the blinds to see the car on the grass in front of my house. The car was empty. Then I heard someone at the front door trying to open it.

I ran as fast as I could to it and realized with horror I had forgotten to lock it. For some reason the man, whose face I had never quite seen when we had been on the road but which I knew was the definition of pure evil, did not knock the door down or try to come in. When he heard me on the other side of the door he whispered in a tauntingly evil voice that was dripping with malicious intentions, "Why don't you lock it?"

My hands trembled so much I could barely turn the lock. I had been frozen seconds before and had not been able to lock it until fear gripped at my heart when he said those words. I locked it.

From there it gets a little blury, but I remember going into my dad's room to look for him. For some reason, no one had been paying attention to what had been going on. Maybe they were all in their own little worlds... But my dad was in his room looking like he was about to go somewhere. I told him what was happening and he asked me some questions in a really chill way like everything that was happening was normal. He said it in a really loud voice though, which scared me because I thought for sure the man outside would hear him and come crashing through the window and take me away or shoot us both... I asked my dad to lower his voice, but he just asked me why in the same loud voice.

Well my dad wouldn't listen to me, so I told him that I was going to call the police to come and get the man outside because I was so scared and I knew he only had evil up his sleeve. My dad nonchalantly said, "Go ahead," as I was dialing 911.

I had it on speaker and somewhere in the middle of the conversation with my dad, I heard a woman's voice on the other end saying, "Hello?...Hello? Please make your presence known so that we know you are okay." I brought the phone to my ear and turned away from my dad and went into the bathroom. I locked the door just in case the man got in the house. It was silly because he could have easily broken down the door, but it made me feel a little safer. I don't know where my dad went at that point, but I knew somehow if he was nearby he wouldn't believe me. I was on my own.

I told the woman what had happened and who was after me and that my dad wouldn't believe me but I knew the man was going to kill me or worse... She told me that everything would be fine and turned away from the phone to tell a police chief what was happening and that he needed to get to my house right away. Then she told me to be clam and stay where I was until the police got there. I thanked her and told her I would be waiting for them to come and then hung up.

Moments later, the light from the bathroom window was partially blocked and the whole room got darker. Trembling, I crept from my corner next to the shower and against the door and peeked around the wall to see what was blocking the light. A shadow of a hooded figure stood up against the wavy glass. Then I realized with horror that he had his hands cupped against the glass so that he could see in. I knew he had seen me.

I was so terrified that i pushed myself back into the corner where I had been and snatched the phone up from the counter. I dialed 911 and took the phone off speaker, pressing it to my ear. I knew the police were coming, but it felt as if they were taking their time and I had a feeling the figure would pull out a knife and carve a whole in the window big enough to punch his fist through and then break the rest while I stood there paralyzed, watching him. I needed to hear a reassuring voice that would calm the pounding of my heart.

The woman's voice at the other end of the line said, "This is 911. Please state your emergency." I said in a frantic whisper, "There's a man at the window he's looking in and I'm sure he saw me! The police haven't gotten here ye--" Before i could finish, she called to someone and said, "This is that same girl again. Why are you not there?? You should be there. She is in danger!" Then she turned back to the phone and said, "Honey, tell me what is happening."

I looked back at the window and saw the man's silhouette still outlined on the glass, peering in menacingly, tauntingly like he knew I was there and wanted to prolong the terror. His shadow moved around, peering into each side of the window, high and low, left and right, slowly...

My breath couahg in my throat and I whispered frantically, "He's still here. He's going to kill me, he's going to kill me..." My hear was pounding so loud I was sure the hooded figure on the other side of the glass could feel its vibrations through the wall.

I couldn't help myself from sobbing. "He's going to kill me..." My choked voice trailed away. "Listen, honey," the woman said gently. "The police will be there any minute. You just gotta hold on a little longer, alright?" Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I thought I heard sirens on the other end of the line. I said, "Okay..." voice trembling.

I kept the phone pressed to my ear and let myself slide down the wall. My knees were so week with fear. I could not remember a time in my life when I was so scared....

Then I woke up.

Closer Than My Heart

This morning, when I was reading my Bible I started to write out a prayer after I read a few verses of Psalm 119, and this is what came out.


Oh God, you are my God

In the morning I rise and recount your faithfulness to generations before me

according to your word

In the evening I lie awake and think of all you've done

You are so good and no one deserves you

What other house but Jacob's can say of their God

he is good?

Ever before me and ever with me

your righteousness stands

I have seen your holiness all my life

yet nothing is going to change

O Lord, you remain the same

As the sun rises in the east

as the morning dawns

as its brilliance sets in the west

making its way across the sky

As faithful as the mountains

as forever as the sea

your love is ever with me

Your presence is closer than my heart

O Lord, you are my hiding place

I have claimed you as my shield

when earth shakes below me

when the ground is pulled from beneath my feet

When the depths overwhelm me 

and my troubles seem to drown me

my God, you are my solid ground

My hope is in you

my trust is in your unfailing love

For it is ever with me

Your presence is closer than my heart

Till the end of this age and forevermore

you are my God.

Hold Me

I'm falling apart

Will you hold my heart

In your hand?

Confused about love

I just want to give up

Will you help me understand?

Chasing so many things

Hoping they would lift

The burden from this soul

Wanting to be loved

Never being enough

You were the One that made me whole...

You are my Love

You will be enough

Even if I remain alone

Help me to want you

Above all I was close to

Above all I've ever known

Nothing can do me harm

I don't have to be strong

Because I know that you are

Oh Love of my heart

I am falling apart

Please hold me in your arms

You are my Love

You will be enough

Even if I remain alone

Tell me you will never

Lose me and hold me forever

And tell me I am home

Hope is a Liar

So young

So innocent

You love

Without regret

But you don't know love is a fire...

You love

Without return

And give all

You have again

Not knowing that hope is a liar

                 And someday you'll see

                 That it was me

                 You hopefully gave your heart to

                 And you loved me

                 But you were a child then

                 And now you know...

Open 

To anything

As long as

You were with me

Dreams are real 'til you awake

You wished

That you could be

As strong as

You thought I'd need

But I knew that I'd see you break

                I knew some day you'd see

                That it was me

                You hopefully gave your heart to

                And you loved me

                But we were children then

                And I loved you

                We were such good friends

                But now you know...

                         Hope is a liar

                         And love is a fire

                         And you got burned

                         And I'm sorry....

So listen 

To what I say 

While you have

The time to change

And fall right out of love with me

You fell 

So easily

So get up

Scrape off your knees

Listen to me it's not worth it

                 Trust me, someday you'll see

                 That it was me

                 You hopefully gave your heart to

                 And you love me

                 But you're only a child

                 You're innocent

                 But I've been through the fire

                 Listen to me

                 Hope is a liar

                 

                 And I'm sorry

Forever & Always (by Taylor Swift Rewritten)

[Verse 1]

It's been a long time... I remember that day you came into my life

You filled me with something

I held on to the night, but you wrapped me in your arms and told me you loved me

You weren't kidding 

'Cause it seems to me my heart is stronger now

You made me joy complete

I'm not a stranger anymore

Jesus, what happened, please tell me

'Cause one second I was worthless, now I'm 

Welcome in your home

[Chorus]

And I stare at the sky wonderin' why you called me

When I was so low, didn't mean nothing at all

And I flash back to when you said "forever and always"

And when it rains in my bedroom and 

Everything goes wrong

I can see through the tears 'cause I know you're not gone

I was there when you said "forever and always"

[Verse 2]

I was out of line

But you saw through the wreckage  of my sad life

You took me in your arms

You spoke into my life

And I knew in that minute all was not as before

So here's to every sin that all came down to nothing

Here's to your grace that cuts me to the core

And now I'm learning I owed you in that minute

Debts of love, not mine before

[Chorus]

And I stare at the sky wonderin' why you called me

When I was so low, didn't mean nothing at all

And I flash back to when you said "forever and always"

And when it rains in my bedroom and 

Everything goes wrong

I can see through the tears 'cause you're there all along

I was there when you said "forever and always"

And I know you're with me when I don't feel hope...

[Bridge]

Back up, lemme back up

There must be something I missed

Back up, wait a minute

I can't believe what you did

[Chorus]

And when it rains in my bedroom and 

Everything goes wrong

I can see through the tears 'cause you're there all along

I was there when you said "forever and always"

And I stare at the sky wonderin' why you called me

When I was so low, didn't mean nothing at all

And I flash back to when you said "forever and always"

[Chorus]

Now when it rains in my bedroom and 

Everything's gone wrong

I can see through the tears 'cause you're there all along

I was there when you claimed me forever and always

And your love surrounds me... Forever and always

____________________

When Christ saved me, he wrapped me in His arms for all eternity, and no one and nothing can take me away. Even if I lose everything, I will be no less loved. 

Psalm 16:8, Psalm 73:25-26, 

"I give them eternal life. They will never die, and no one will snatch them from my hand." John 10:28 (CEB) 

Dread

Dread
This feeling I know so well
Burning like fire and tasting like Hell
Never giving its victims peace
It teases and mocks till they cry for release
Looming like a cloud over everything
Rain without growth and sun without spring
It chases them down, doesn't let them hide
Like a morbid best friend always at their side
Light is like dark and day is like night
Even the stars shine a little less bright
A burden weighing them down and crushing the bones
Like pain in your chest that won't leave you alone
This is war

What can stop it from doing its worst?
What can quench the fire and the thirst?
It's been too long in the desert of pain
We look for growth, but there's only rain
Who will lift the cloud and let me hide?
Bolt all the doors till I'm safe inside?
Or chase it away for good till it's gone
So I'm not afraid to walk the streets alone?
Who can give light to the dark and chase away the night
And make the stars once again shine bright
Take away this burden that's bringing me low
And ease the pain that gnaws at my soul?

You Haven't Given Up On Me

We were hearing a sermon yesterday by Ben Stewart (I think his name was), the campus pastor at A&M. He was talking about Peter's denial of Jesus and how even Peter seemed to give up on himself afterwards. He went back to fishing. And then Jesus is on the shore making a fire with breakfast cooked and calling out to him and the other disciples. 

When Peter comes to shore, Jesus asks him "Do you love me?" Each time Peter says "Lord, you know that I love you." And Jesus says, "Feed my sheep."

The pastor was saying how he used to think Jesus was being mean, almost sort of opening the wound back up of the denial, but then he saw how Jesus wasn't saying, "Peter, do you love me? Then why did you deny me? How could you mess up in such a HUGE way after you told me yourself that you would never deny me?" Instead he was saying, "Peter do you love me? Then let's go from here together and make disciples. Let's move on. My love is strong enough and my heart is big enough to accept you even after you turned your back on me. Let's move on, Peter." 

He wasn't pointing him back to the past, but to the future. 

He was saying that his sins were forgiven. And he did this 3 times so that Peter would get it, even though I'm sure it blew Peter's mind that Jesus could ever forgive him.

I think God is trying to show me how faithful His love is. And he's showing me in different places multiple times so that it sinks in. Just like Peter, I need to be reminded that there is a future for me in God's Kingdom and I can go forth with him walking beside me. I don't have to wallow in my sin and give up on myself because Jesus hasn't given up on me. 

________________________________________________________________________________

John 21:15-25

The Book of Hosea

Faithful

Why am I always the one left out? People that I love move on... and I try, but then the people I begin to love end up moving on again with not even room for friendship. It's a terrible cycle of endings without closure and jealousy without repose.

Maybe I have the wrong idea of "moving on." Maybe moving on doesn't mean moving from one person to the other trying to find love... because in my experience, the results are always disappointing. I end up putting too much hope in one person, set them against a standard that they cannot hold to, and they end up letting me down.

But, I keep wondering, is commitment a standard that is so unattainable?


Lord let me fall in love with you all over again. Never once did I ever walk alone, never once did you leave me on my own because you are faithful, God, you are FAITHFUL. And in You, I find healing.

Invisible

I often lie on my bed wishing this wasn't true.

This person who stole your heart seems to have replaced it for you.

There was a time when all that's happened would have been unthinkable,

But finally the truth is plain for all to see: I am now invisible.

Where You Are

We all have days that we just need a hand

Or a shoulder to cry on.

There are always those who may not understand,

But you can rely on

The God who knows your name!

He has you written on His heart.

You don't have to be afraid

Because He is where you are.

Doesn't matter how far you are away from home;

He is there too,

And even when you feel you're all alone,

He is holding you.

He's the God who spoke your name

Before you were even born,

And He is always the same.

He will always be where you are.

His grace is sufficient for you;

In your weakness, he is strong.

He will lead you through;

He is where you are...

Hide From Me by Michaela Browning

3
Feb 10, 2014

Hide from me the face of death
Hide from me the evil eye
Hide from me the cancer taste
And all the poison in the sky

Save me from a tragic loss
Save me from the piercing cry
Save me from the stalking woods
And all the ways that mortals die

Lead me to the living light
Lead me to a mountain high
Lead me to a soul of peace
And give me understanding why

Find me in the deepest dark
Find me in a shadow's sigh
Find me in the lonely rain
And promise me you'll stay nearby

What is a Question Without the Answer?

What good are memories if you can't make more
What good are the words if they don't come true
What good is all the waiting in the end
If you find it wasn't love that carried you through?

What good is the storm without the rain
What good is a rose without it's smell
What good is a wedding without a joyful tear
What good is a story without a perfect end?

What is a mountain without its peaks
What is a sea without its depths
What is a night without the dark
What is sleep without its rest?

What is a tree without its fruit
What is the law without the grace
What is a human without his will
What is a Christian without his faith?

Understanding (unfinished)

I only ask for understanding
To feel like a person again
I don't want your pity
I don't want your help
I have not asked for any of it

You may mean well
But it means nothing to me
As long as you grieve
And try to fix
What is beyond your help
And beyond your reach

I cannot hide forever
This I am finding out
The tears will come
The feelings will show
All I ask is your understanding
When I am turned inside out

Living in the Past

Listening to music is like an escape. From the real world, from dealing with it...
Listening to music from the past is like being there again. Being there again is like not being here.
Living in the memories, and escaping reality.
It's so easy to do. So comfortable. I know I probably spend more time in the past than anywhere else.
Somehow, sometimes, living in the past helps me get through the present.
But is that how it's supposed to be?
Shouldn't I be looking ahead, letting the hope of the future help me through the present?
Doing things in the present that will help me or others in the future? Making the present count...

Why is it so easy to live in the past, to let the present float away, through the memories that plague the mind?
Nobody has to deal with the present if they're not living in it, right?

My Heart Is Here

Your heart follows what you love

People and places that you hold dear

As for me, I know where my home is

Because for me, my heart is here.

Honest to Jealous (Back to Me)

I see this is happening and I know I can't stop it,

But I'm not going to fight because it wasn't meant to be.

With other things I've always fought for what I wanted

But not with you because you weren't meant for me.

Still, I look at it all, as from another world,

And something doesn't quite feel right about it.

I look back in my life to put myself in your shoes,

But something inside me still wants to stop it.

I am working on being okay because I know that's what I should be;

I know if I loved you I wouldn't feel this way.

Love never has to one-up its rival.

I know if it's God's will, you'll come back to me.

Frustration

It starts out as a spark, not meant to be a fire,
And lands on dry leaves as I fall off the wire
The lava begins to boil and erupts before you know it
It all happens inside before I start to show it.

If you've never seen a spark, this is the flame,
If you've never seen a storm, this is the rain
If you've never seen a volcano, this is the obliteration
If you've never seen annoyance, this is frustration.

Dip Into the Sky

Dip into the sky and tell me what you see
The blue disappears in a swirl of green
Look ahead into clear shining clouds
Between the trees glowing pink and gold

Hues turn to purple as the sun starts to set
Soft edges of trees reach into the depth
They move gently like shadows and flicker as light
And just below them you can still see the sky

Dip into the sky and tell me what you see
Golden petals of maple leaves
Dip into the sky and see the shapes the clouds are taking
Only in the ripples of a river, kayaking