Ebeneezer: Thus Far You Have Brought Me

A little over a year ago, You called me to go to Bethlehem College and Seminary. I did not know at the time what a journey of faith You would lead me on, and in the process of it I did not really know if I would come out alive this side of Heaven. But today marks the end of my first year at Bethlehem, and I can see the fingerprints of Your faithfulness on my life all along the way. Where You call You truly DO give the grace to follow, even when that grace comes just in time to take another breath and then another and then another... Forgive my doubt of Your power, my Father. Thank you for showing me this year like no other that You want to take my weaknesses and not only shine despite them but through them! What a journey. Keep holding my hand because You have shown me how much I need You.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Who Are You, Really?

YOU ARE NOT your sin.
You are not the sin you hide deep in your heart and behind closed doors when you think no one is watching. You are not the sin that is destroying you. But... don't you see that it is destroying you? Don't you see that each time you don't speak back to the temptation you lay upon yourself a weight that in the long run entangles you and turns your eyes away from Life? Don't you see that every time you believe the lie that this is better than a pure heart before Jesus your heart hardens just a little more? You are building for yourself a castle of crystallized lies, an icy castle that will surely melt in the light of the Son when he comes again to find those who were faithful to him on earth. Don't you want to be holy? Have you tasted the joy of the REAL feast that is set before you in your King's presence? Will you really be satisfied with the filth that you so easily turn back to over this?

True Beauty is calling you, True Joy is inviting you into unbroken communion. Don't be satisfied with broken cisterns. Only your Father is the Living Water. And he is not only your Father, he is Lord. You were made to be ruled by HIM, NOT your flesh. You are kicking against goads in vain. It is you who destroys yourself... But it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). Sin is crouching at the door. It desires to devour you, but you must rule over it (Genesis 4:7). Friend, I plead with you, actively pursue holiness without which no one will see the LORD! Lay your sin at Jesus' feet and you will see it for what it really is -- the enemy. Look up to Jesus' face and KILL your sin. Over and over slay it until it ceases to writhe in its death throws. The power you see now when you look at your sin is a façade, a façade designed to make you think that you are the victim. But who is your God, oh sinner? He is the Victor and you are his heir! If we have an inheritance of victory, does it make sense to keep choosing defeat?

I say this because I need to hear these words as much as I need to say them. The discipline of my Father and his kindness that leads me to repentance is showing me just how disgusting my sin is in the light of his Beauty. From one redeemed soul to another, let's live like we're loved. Let's walk like we're free, because WE ARE.

Till I See You

This side of Heaven, we stand at dark bars

Grounded on soil but reaching for stars

Looking into the endless Beauty beyond

How long till I see Your face?

The world becomes dark as sheer glory is cast

Across sapphire skies forever stretching, vast

Gifts are made to grow dimmer till Giver comes at last

Oh, how long till I see Your face?

From depths of sorrow and lack tearful longing was sown

Yet You've given me a gift, seeing what has then grown

Strong hope for what is not seen till the Unseen is shown

How long till Sight replaces faith?

Now, as one gazing into a mirror so dim,

Wanting to cross the chasm yet standing on the brim

Till I can know Him fully I seek to know only Him

For my Desire, in hope I now wait.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

Lack of Good or Good in the Lack

I often think of surrender as a one time thing... that is, until I have surrendered something and feel it coming back to haunt me. As many times as it takes to surrender, I will, until these stubborn feelings remain in Your hands and Yours alone. God, I have given this to You before. Would You keep them in Your hands? I know You are not the One letting go; I am the one taking them back. But I don't want them... why would I take them back? Oh my heart, even I don't understand! But You know all things, even the depths of my deceptive heart. And yet, You love. Despite me, You love!

And because You love, no good thing do You withhold from me. Help me believe this. Would You be pleased to show me the good gifts that You are giving me and let my eyes be unblinded, for right now I only see what seems to be withheld. But since I know that You do not withhold good from Your children is a fact, I want to see the good in lack or the good in the gift that is now, to me, invisible.

Do Not Lose Heart in Your Surrender

As you sit there, I put you before the throne of God. As you go about your every day, I lay you at His feet, trusting that He is doing something good and that He has something better for me if He is not giving me you.

"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." He is GOOD! Oh my soul, do not believe the lie that says otherwise!

Do not believe the devil when he wants to make you believe your God does not see your pain. He sees; He knows it better than you yourself, and He is in the process of refining you as gold.

Speak, Oh my soul! Tell of the goodness of the Lord! You must speak truth back to the lies if you are to fight well. And if you do not fight well, you will be carried along in their torrent and cease to believe that all this pain has a purpose.

Oh my soul, this pain has a purpose! He is not letting you go! On the contrary, He is preparing you as a beautiful Bride dressed for Himself in His righteousness and His alone!

Do not lose heart, dear heart...

He Will Come Like Rain

It's raining, and the smell of wet earth wafts in the open window. Oh Jesus, You are good to me. I haven't smelled that smell in so long. As the dark storm clouds gather, I think of everything that comes with rain... wind, clouds, darkness. I think I am finally starting to appreciate the severity of this past semester, the wind of lies that would seek to shake me, the clouds of doubt that ultimately God is not good, and the darkness of despair and then apathy.

Father, I think I am finally starting to see that when I asked to be more like You, I was asking for this. You answered. When I asked You to show me my sin, I didn't know I was asking to see it every day, in every class, with every person I interact with. But this is what I needed because this is how You answered. When I asked You to humble me, I didn't know I was asking for such dark doubts and strong lies that would lead to crippling insecurities that would drain some of my ugly pride. But this is what I needed because this is how You answered. When I asked for suffering, I didn't realize it would mean my grandpa dying. I didn't realize it would mean such deep grief and seeing my hope in this world fade away. But I see this is what I needed because this is how You answered...

Yet the storm has scared me into hiding. The wind of lies has pushed me off my feet until I was stumbling. The clouds of doubt have overtaken me and I have lost my way in the fog, looking for the Light. The darkness of despair has overwhelmed me and I have hidden in a darkness of my own. The storm has scared me into hiding, and I confess I have not stretched my hands out to the rain in acceptance of it. I have said, "Father, let this cup pass from me. Please do my will because I cannot bear for Yours to be done."

But Father, You promised that no temptation will seize me beyond what I can bear, even the temptation to remain discouraged. You say that in the temptation You will provide a way out so that I can stand up under it! (1 Corinthians 10:13). Oh, show me that way. You have promised that you You do not withhold any good thing from those who walk with You (Psalm 84:11). Help me cling to this truth for dear life!

Jesus, in the last few months, I have longed to see Your face in such a way that I have lost sight of my Joy in this life. Every day, I long for Heaven. Almost every day, You have heard my plea, "Jesus, won't You please come soon?" I long to see You like one would long to see the one they love when they are countries away. There's an aching in my chest, an emptiness that longs to be filled. Why can't I see You today, in all Your glory? I long to have Your hand wipe away my every tear as You have promised to do, and show me the bottle You have kept of all my sorrows that You had a purpose for. I long to run on the streets of gold, to sit with You by the shining sea and cling to Your garment in worship as You whisper to me what I already know: "I AM more than enough for You."

Oh, Jesus, but do I long for these things so deeply because I do not believe this now? Is this longing because I miss You? Do I long for these things like this because it is I who have deprived myself of time with You, leting the worries and darkness of this life choke the Light You have shined upon me... Has the cry of my heart, "Lord, how long?" been answered by Your words, "Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"?

Oh, Father, forgive my lack of joy in Your presence NOW, on earth as it will be in heaven. Forgive my lack of belief in precious truths I have had at my fingertips. Forgive me for my despair and doubts and discouragement in which I have chosen to see the waves around me as more powerful than Your hand that reaches out to help me walk on water...

Now, as I see the wind slowing, the clouds receding, the darkness lifting, I see the Son shine through the droplets of rain. I see the Son illuminating the pain and giving me a new perspective. There is beauty in the pain; it was not... it is NOT meaningless. 

Oh Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

I realize now I couldn't have the rain without the storm. I can't have the blessing of Your presence without seeing all else pail in comparison to You. Jesus, You have come like rain to me in all the severeness of this blessing. And now You give me the grace to say, "Thank You."

I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need

"Though You Slay Me" Shane & Shane

Oh my soul: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us know the LORD; let us press on to know him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3

Severe Blessing

You were the first who let me see
There could be someone else,
You gave me a window into the potential
But now, how can I put you to rest?

He has given me a gift in you
A gift of a brother
But I feel so ungrateful
Because that is not the gift I wanted
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me

I watch you and I see your heart
One that He has broken to make it beautiful
And I love the beautiful that He has made
You challenge me to live and love well
I could follow someone like you to forever

Now when I see you I know I can only think
Of what I could not gain that I have already lost
And you don't know what you do to me
But it is something I can never divulge
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me

How do I grieve what I have not had?
And yet, I feel the need to grieve you
Though I have not lost our friendship
I have lost the hope that I put into its future

Were you another crutch I put my hope in?
Another thing in which I found joy?
And now God takes you away to show me He is all I need
I pray that you can glorify God with her
Or this too could be a lesson I am learning at your expense

You are such a good friend
I did not have a category for someone so nice
I had so many assumptions
And began to believe attractive lies
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me

Please, I am fragile; just be gentle
My heart can't take too much of you
Please, I am weak; don't care so much
I will pray from afar and learn to love differently

The creation that is you
Is one that God called good and His
He has a plan for you that is for your good
If that plan is with someone else
He still does not withhold good from me

Oh, friend. Though you know it not
You are a severe blessing to me

Light in Darkness

Entry #3 on Doctrine Day

These thoughts came to my mind as I sat in class and listened to my professors and listened to the questions of others. It was like in that hour and 50 minutes I heard God and felt him closer than in the rest of the day so far. Funny... It just struck me now as I was writing that that in the darkest time of my day, He shows His light to me most... Hmm, how incredibly kind.

When I was thinking about one of my classmates asking me how I was doing earlier and not following up, I was tempted to feel kind of bitter. But then God, perhaps as an admonition brought this thought into my mind: "You see value in people in their works, how nice they are. But what about my work done for them?" I wrote this down and thought, yes, I am thinking of these people as less because I see them working so hard with not as many struggles as I have and I just think they are robots. What kind of human is like this? Then this leads to a downward spiral of thinking less of them as human beings, as God's children. This is so wrong...

Then I thought, what is the common denominator between all the people in class that I don't like? That I look down on? It was as if I felt God say, "Those you don't like are the ones you talk to least." I feel that I have been given a gift to find the humanity in all humans. In several conversations I have a tendency to find what is hard for them, something that I find that we can share. But when I don't talk to people, I am unable to find these things.

Another thought I had regarding my lack of Bible reading that morning despite the fact that I had skipped class and had an extra hour and a half to read and spend time with my Healer was this: "You don't read the Bible because you don't believe that I will speak to You." He's right. I do believe that he can speak to me. I just don't believe that He will, and that unbelieving sin leads to the sin of inaction in spending time with the only One who can satisfy me.

In regard to the tendency in my thinking to be upset in class because I feel like the small notes on the board don't accurately depict God and tend to be like picking apart the parts of a fire in a way in which the fire can't burn any more afterwards. And I want God's glory to burn for all it's worth in my heart! But I felt Him saying, "You are not looking at me on the board, just a representation to help you understand a bigger reality." This helped because I found the kindness of the statement led me to repentance at my anger at the inanimate object of the writing on the board.

God then brought back the thought of why I don't like some of my classmates. It was as if he said, "What you need is to see is why I love them. God, please show me. Show me that their value, just like mine, is in You and You alone. And because You never change, Your value never does, and therefore, theirs does not either.

Then my mind drifted to all the work that I did not want to do. I felt comfort in the thought: "I am able to give you strength for what you don't want to do." That dispelled the lie that I couldn't do it.

I then thought about how I do my homework and how I have high expectations for myself and how I play to the tune of the professors as well. I felt Him say, "Even in doing your homework, you are trying to please man. How can you please me?" God, I want to please You and for that to be my goal. But please, show me how I can do that.

I also was hit with the joyful but painful realization that a prayer I had prayed with a friend while in Texas over spring break was answered. It was the prayer that God would help me not to read into things with a guy here because I was fairly sure he just wanted to be a brother in Christ, and I told myself that I wanted only that too. But when he told me and another friend just before break ended that he was praying about talking to a girl about pursuing her and then had that conversation with her, I was crushed. He had given me hope, not on purpose, but it was there. As I sat there in class, I lifted up a frustrated, almost angry cry to God: "You've given me a gift of a brother when I wanted something more." But it is a gift. This is my crucible. He is taking away literally all that I take joy in. This is a severe blessing.

Into Your Hands, I Commit My Grief...

Could it be that after all this time I may have to drop a class? Has it come down to this? Maybe it's hard because I know I need to face my humanity. But it's hard when others around me are not needing this kind of release.

God, I pray that tomorrow, in each talk with my professors (or whenever I have them) that You will make Your will crystal clear to me as far as what work I can let go and just keep moving ahead and what work, if any I should cut all together and drop from. Father, please allow my professors to be gracious in understanding, and also to ask questions if anything is unclear so that unnecessary assumptions won't be made that will hurt communication in the end.

You promise that You will never give us more than we can handle but that in the temptation you will provide a way out so that we can stand up under it. Right now I am being tempted to despair and let discouragement paralyze me. Please give me a way out, and I will take it. Would You open my eyes to see that way out because right now it's hard to recognize the gifts You give me from the things Satan is trying to twist to His own ends.

I know all of this is in Your hands... my academics, my professor's hearts, my homework, every morning I wake up to, my future, my joy. I just want to keep putting it back there where it belongs because I tend to want to take things out of Your hands and then despair that You are not good, when in reality, I am just trying to see truth through a cloud of unbelief. It doesn't work.

Why Are You Downcast?

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in GOD, for I will yet praise him. My Savior and my God.

Father, I must speak these anxieties because I have them. I must not hide them from you. You know me better than anyone, and you know that I need you. You know my heart and what I feel. You know why I feel. You know my inward parts right now. Father, I beg you, take these feelings away.

What am I to do? Father, I beg you, PLEASE. Come to my aid. I don't want to cry in front of these friends. I don't want to be that vulnerable. I feel already the temptation to compare myself with Julia and other girls that are "prettier" and I think that are more attractive in the eyes of men. I want to be attractive in the eyes of men, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be loved, truly loved for who I am and not for what I appear. Father, would you show me that i am truly loved by You? Would you show me my value. I think I need to cry.... I think I need to let it all out. But I can't. I'm with two brothers. I can't show my vulnerability here... Father, grant me wisdom. By my comfort and source of joyful strength. I need you so badly.

What I Am Longing For

I wake up in the mornings not wanting to see the light of day, wishing I could stay under the covers one more hour. I hit snooze for 10 minutes and wake up a second time feeling the same thing. This may happen a few times before I actually find the mental strength to get out of bed. What is this? I am normally glad to be alive... I think of class and my mind races ahead to what's in store for that day, and I just... don't want to face it. I know that I will be confronted with my own sinful heart in the classroom as I realize the thoughts I am thinking of others. I know the feelings I will get toward my homework which consistently fall so short of the glory of God. I know that my deep heart's longings won't be met in the classroom or afterwards. I know that out of my bed is the last place I want to be. The sheets and comforter seem much more appealing than anything the world has to offer.

I want something, and this strongly. I want someone who will be with me all the time, do homework with me, walk with me to school, someone whose love and affection I know I have without having to fight for it, someone who knows they have mine. I want someone who is faithful and true, who won't leave my side for something better that shows itself on their radar, someone whose word I can trust. I would say this perfectly describes Jesus, except that it is an actual person whom I can see that I long for. Someone whose arm I can feel on my shoulder when times are hard, who I don't have to imagine having some day in heaven. I don't really know if who I'm longing for is a real person... The idea that what I most want is not even a realistic desire cuts deep and makes the depression bleed more. Jesus, why can You not fill this longing I have? And since you can't, does that mean it is idolatrous? Oh, may it not be so... I know not what else to long for sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, this past month has made me long for heaven in a way I didn't know was earthly possible or at least somewhere in the back of my mind hoped it wasn't. This is because it is the kind of longing that only culminates in having the joy you long for, and the thought that the time at which I will finally be there and see Him is unknown is simply unbearable. It is the kind of longing pictured when you miss the one you love most dearly yet are not able to be with them because they are an ocean away. The only hope one has at that point is to look forward with great anticipation to the day when you will finally be with them again, and you count the days. This is what my heart feels when I long to see Jesus, and yet there are no days to count. I am simply left with the empty longing, it seems.

The Power To Be Free

Entry #2 5:25pm on Doctrine Class Day

Surrounded by the inspiring creativity of the sights and sounds of a coffee shop in Minneapolis, listening to music that makes me want to fly, thoughts come to the surface again and they must spill out.

I write about Doctrine class so that I can see how I've grown and so that I can keep growing and one day look back on this period of my life and see how God unlocked the door to the cage I'm in called "fear of man."

During Doctrine class today, as I was looking around, listening to my professor and my classmates around me, it hit me that I felt slightly more free from this deep sense of caring what they all thought of me. I didn't not care to the point of speaking up in class to answer a question... no, not yet. But I felt closer, and that is a huge step.

I have trouble describing this cage that I seem to be in. I think it's because it doesn't make sense. I know that I'm in Bethlehem College so that I can learn and become closer to Jesus. I know that part of learning is asking questions and answering questions as a way of putting my finger on the pulse of how I'm actually doing academically, but for some reason, I have put myself in a cage of silence, and these four walls made of bars feel oppressive and incredibly small. I feel like a bird that is waiting for someone to open the cage door so that I can fly out and be free. But as I sit on my perch wishing that I could go out into the world that I see beyond, I am looking through an open door! And yet, I don't spread my wings and fly away.... Why? Sometimes I don't know myself.

But! I have an army of warriors around me that I have asked to pray that I would take the freedom I have been given in Christ from this sin of fear and that I would live like I'm loved, and they are! I feel as if each day I grow a little closer to flying out the door towards freedom.

What do I anticipate this freedom to look like? That's a good question; I'm glad you asked. :) I will say what I think though God has a funny way sometimes of showing our expectations to be not what was best for us in the end. Nevertheless, it is good to have a vision for that freedom, so I will put some thought into it. I think the first step would involve me speaking up in class, to ask a question or to answer one. Or even to read a passage of Scripture. Right now, I seem to even have a fear of hearing my own voice come out of my mouth in the presence of those around me... I know, I tell myself all the time that it doesn't make sense, but how am I to reconcile that to reality? That is the first step to freedom, I think.I'm not sure I can see much farther beyond that because even that seems so far away in some senses.

One baby step at a time. One feather unfurled at a time, and eventually I will be able to spread my wings! Oh Keeper of this bird, would you reach into my cage, put your loving hand under me and coax me to step off my comfortable, fearful perch towards freedom? You made me to fly, and I desire to be free! But I need so much help....

Process Vomit

Entry #1 after Doctrine class - February 8, 2017

There is a lot going through my head, so many word pictures and visions that I don't know what to do with. I feel like I just need to get it out -- hence, process vomit...

What is it that I'm looking for? A way to take notes in my class that will fit with the content. There are so many analogies I feel could be made but are left out that would help connect my fumbling brain to my picto-centric mind. But I fear it is the connecting that I am unable to do.

How could I note-take in a way that would help me better understand the material, better learn it? That is a good question.  How will I know what is the answer? Father, help me. Into Your hands I commit my thoughts, these pictures. Would you form them into a tool that I can use to help me in the understanding from the confusing mixed blob of strained and dispersed thoughts and feelings they are now? I need You to make sense of my mind as the One who knows every fold of my brain because You formed them.

PAID

For people like me who are tempted to perform for people....

It's not about your performance
It's about your God
He put on flesh and lived life perfect
Because you and I cannot

Why do you burden yourself
Trying to be perfect all the time?
You already have His righteousness
His yoke is easy and His burden is light!

Child, be humble
Why don't you take His gift?
His blood was not wasted
He bought you to make you His

Now you are clothed in His perfection
Your Father only sees His sacrifice
So why are you doing all that running?
It doesn't make sense; He's already paid the price

Goals for Winter Break

1. Read How to Read a Book 

Personal Growth Project

This was an assignment for Discipleship class that I found really helpful in heart digging.

Accompanying the habit of grace of fellowship, one passage I kept thinking about this semester was John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  

I chose this passage because the Holy Spirit kept bringing it to mind over the semester. However, in my self-pity, I tried to apply it to the people around me instead of myself. I kept thinking, “If I can’t see the love my brothers and sisters in Christ have for each other and for me, how will non-believers be able to see it?” This question kept nagging me and the irreconcilable truth of the lack of love that I was seeing and Jesus’ command left me frustrated and deeply disappointed in the people of God. I kept asking God, “How long will your people be cold to me? If I don’t feel loved in a community like this, how will I feel loved anywhere?” I was so deep in the pit of despair I could only see the sins of others around me. I felt incapable of loving others. When I would talk to them, my mind was literally blank – I couldn’t up with questions to show them I cared. I just hoped desperately they had the capacity to love me because I literally felt unable to love them.

I didn’t realize it before this course, but I was used to having love poured out on me from my family and friends back home. They knew me and my struggles and were able to meet me where I was and vice versa. Loving others that I knew well looked like keeping up with their life, asking questions, and taking time to talk to them. Just as I was growing in that grace more, I moved to Minnesota… Now the question was how can I love those I don’t know? The logical conclusion? – start by getting to know them. However, when I found the ability to converse that would start that process was not there, I tried to hide, hoping someone would come after me in my darkness. My High Priest who has been tempted in every way that I am was the only One who met me there and showed me He still loved me beyond my best imaginings. The Holy Spirit convicted me with this verse: “If you love others who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who are good to you? What credit is that to you? Even sinners do good to those who are good to them.” My prayer constantly was, “Lord, continue to show me your deep love for me so that my cup will overflow to others!” This led me back to getting in the Word and prayer in the moment to give me a caring heart for those I feel have wronged me by not loving me. When, instead of waiting for others to reach out, I reached out to them, the Lord blessed those efforts, and I have seen several new friendships from the strength God gave me to persevere in doing good.  

My prayer is still the same for the future. Without His love deeply felt in my heart, all that will come out are droplets of love – if any at all. He is the ever-flowing fountain of love; I am only a cup. I must drink from His river of Life as He freely gives to me in order to be successful in loving my brothers and sisters, who are human and weak, just as I am. But God’s grace is sufficient for me! When I don’t have the desire to commune with Christ in His Word or prayer, I pray He gives me strength to seek out fellowship that will spur me on to love and good deeds. These habits are a cycle of grace for my soul.

I Have Tasted

In my loss, I see more clearly
What I once was blinded to
Without any one person to rely on
I now must hold tightly to only You

In my loneliness, my eyes can focus
Beyond the distractions I once knew
Though they were not inherently wrong
They clouded my vision of glorious You

In my lack, I want nothing
Except to be loved by You
If this, I already have, why chase another
When You have already said, "I do"?

In my emptiness, I am wholly filled
As I follow what is true
My great desire is to complete my purpose
For, now, I know your plans are good

In my grief, I find Solace
In a Refuge I never knew
Facts were always in my bank of knowledge
But now, I have tasted; I have seen that
You are good!

Because You Love Me

It's easier than I thought and yet not what I thought it'd be
It's harder than I wanted

Though I find myself fighting for love
Here in this broken world
My comfort is
It's not so with You
You loved me first
You know me deeply
And still, You love
In spite of myself
And therefore, I
Am
Free

Lessons in the Wilderness

Disclaimer: I often post personal things, but not like this. My goal in my postings is to help those who read it by being open and honest about my struggles and pointing to the joy that comes with knowing and following Christ in some way. This post was originally created as more of a journal entry that I wasn't sure whether I would post or not because I feel it is more raw and vulnerable than I have been in my other posts. It is strictly a flowing out of my own thoughts and feelings to make sense of them in light of the gospel. This is an area I would like to grow in more, but I hope that what is here can still build you up in your faith and, if nothing else, let you know that you're not alone.

                                                                    ~          ~         ~

Process... I don't have time to process. But every time the tears well up in my eyes in public, whether it's in a conversation with someone or during a prayer or song I'm singing, I realize how much I need it. When I don't have much time to think things through, the only times I can think about things is when a sensitive subject comes up, and this is usually in public.
Go, go, go. That's what these last few months have been. So I'm making time to process. I need to be studying for my Greek midterm, but since I have already done some I've decided that I need this more.
"How are you doing?" A common greeting I hear when I see acquaintances in the hallway or coffee shops. I know it's just a greeting, but it makes me think about how I really am... And when I think too hard, I realize I'm not doing very well. I think the only things keeping me from crying more is the fact that I'm going all the time and the sweet times of prayer I have on my morning walks to school.
It's not that everybody is mean to me. It's not that most people aren't friendly when they see me. The thing that hurts most, that makes me feel most alone, is that when I feel most alone, I don't have anyone I can go to, who's physically here, who I know will want to hear from me and I won't feel like I'm bothering. It makes me miss all those who used to be there for me but can't anymore.
I was talking to Darcy, the woman who interviewed me initially to come to Bethlehem. I unknowingly sat next to her at lunch, which was a blessing. I told her it would feel like a fire, but a desert is a more accurate picture because it has the connotation of inherent loneliness.
O Lord, how long?
Being a transfer junior means that I missed out on being a freshman, surrounded by a group of other students who are new. It's hard being dropped straight into a group of students who have been here for two, three years, already. They have their group of friends. Their way of life is pretty set; they have their routines.
One of the things I have done since I can remember is try to be invisible. For the last almost 3 months I haven't had to try. It's like that game I used to play when I was younger about where I would go around in an invisibility cloak and we would pretend the other players didn't know I was there unless I gave myself away by sound. If only it was that easy. I feel like I have to fight to even make my voice be heard above the other, more familiar ones. Some times it seems like there is not room for a stranger in an environment of friends. It's ironic, but I'm finding that the thing I have always tried to be is now my greatest fear.

I think I know what it is. I think I am finding out, slowly and painfully, that I have been so used to getting my worth from the people I am with, from the friendships I have and from how loved or "worthy" I feel in specific friendships. This all comes from the huge transition of being in a relationship to not being in one.

November 3
I do not see myself for who I am in You. Consumed and overwhelmed by what my peers think of me and feeling as if I do not fit into this new world, I find myself in a hard place. This is not the essence of my feelings at the moment but I hear that thoughts tend to entangle as they are written down, so, I write. My thoughts are fuzzy and disconnected right now. This is how they are when I do not have time to process them. They are clear as mud until I see them before my eyes, out in the open. That's when I can make sense of them.
Feeling as if I don't fit in is a blessing, I hear, because this is how the Christian life should be. Yes, this world is not my home, and becoming comfortable in it is a great danger to my effectiveness as a follower of Jesus. But I long to feel at home. I long to feel needed, wanted. I don't want to go through my days feeling as though I constantly want to be somewhere else... I am not sure what to do. Lord, would you bless me with contentment?
I have found solace in little these last few months. I try to look to friendships to give me worth, only to find that they are non-existent or don't live up to what I was expecting. I try to look to the feelings of being loved, only to find that most around me are so busy that they lack the time and energy to care. I even have, despite my resolve and deep desires, looked to the excitement of interaction with the opposite sex and fantasies of what could come of those interactions, only to find that the overflow of these thoughts and energies solely and specifically placed in this world of imagination breed awkwardness in interactions, leading to less than satisfactory feelings immediately afterwards. I try to look to the beauty around me in nature, only to be reminded by those around me that the beauty will not last, that soon it will be winter and the vivacious colors of fall will have dropped to the ground, yielding to the barrenness of branches foreshadowing the coming cold that will make it's home in this city. I look to many, many broken cisterns, and I'm sure, more besides these, only to find that NOTHING SATISFIES. It has been frusterating, expecting and hoping to see some light at the end of the tunnel of this discontentedness only to find more of it. It's frustrating until I realize that this may be what my Savior wants. Maybe this is what I am to find in the desert of isolation, the overflowing oasis of life-giving restoration that can only be found in my Loving Father and Faithful Friend.
Lord, my longings lead me astray! Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, for I am too weak to climb to You on my own. Allow me to make sense of my feelings and turn my energy towards a healthy life of prayer, rather than to the empty things that I default to to satisfy me. "O God, O God, please save me from myself."

I'm thirsty, God, I'm thirsty
From drinking what destroys me
I'm pouring poison in my cup

I'm hungry, God, I'm hungry
Consuming what controls me
Somehow it never fills me up

Everybody says we're all so different
But everybody knows we're all the same
We're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain
Something's got to change

Like a Seed

Like a seed in the ground
My body will go
Dead and small
Dried up and alone
It doesn't look like
Anything will come
From this seed in the ground
Pushed down in the soil

But at the right time
Something will grow
Like a plant pushing through
To sun and to hope
The unthinkable will happen
What's impossible
You will call me to Yourself
You will call me home