In the Broken

It's funny to think I thought
God wanted my perfect
When all that He really wants
Is me and my broken
Tried so hard to cover up the mess
But I was only lying to myself
Because He saw what I was doing and
He knows me

But isn't that what Jesus did?
Came for all who know their mess
Lived the life we couldn't live
So we could be free
He invites us into His death
Death to self but not death to mess
Because He's the only one that's perfect
And we find our freedom in the broken

In the Valley

In the valley

In the shadows

In the stillness, You are God

And no fear could

Ever touch me

In Your right hand You hold my heart

In the silence

In the aching

You will replace what has been lost

You are more than enough for me

More than all I’ve ever wanted

You’re exactly all I need

Help me trust You

Help me trust You

Comfort, comfort my heart

In the stillness, You are still God

If You Are Lonely

~from “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy~

Eric endured a period of profound loneliness while he was taking a semester off from college. He had just come from a busy schedule at school that included sports, study, and an active social life. Now, back at home with an empty schedule while all his buddies were still at school and his family was occupied with their lives, he felt an intense inward pain like nothing he’d ever before known. One day he found himself on his knees, weeping into the fabric of the sofa. The loneliness had become too much to handle. As he cried out to his Lord, he suddenly felt a tremendous peace wash over him. It was almost as if Jesus Himself were kneeling beside Eric, wrapping a tender arm around his shoulders and whispering words of love and comfort to his soul.

That afternoon Eric sat at the piano and wrote this song:

I am like a deer, You are like that water.

I run to You, like a son to his Father,

I felt so alone, like a moth without a flame,

But You ignited, and to You I came,

And that’s forever.

I felt so alone, like a ship without a sea.

But You gave me water,

You took my hand and said to me,

“This is for eternity.”

I’ll never be lonely,

I’ll never be lonely without You.

I’ve got this feeling that You’re here to stay,

And I know I’ll never be lonely with You.

Elizabeth Elliot once said, “Loneliness is a required course for leadership.” If God is preparing you to make an impact on this world for His kingdom, chances are He will take you through a season of solitude. This is a season when you learn that you can’t lean upon anyone but Him or your confidence and when you gain the strength to stand alone even when no one stands with you.

In the past fourteen years of Christian ministry, Eric and I have often been incredible grateful for the seasons of loneliness we experienced before we were married – those times when we learned to stand firm in our convictions and find refuge and comfort in the arms of our Kind, to live for only His smile, even when it seems no one else was smiling upon us. So many times in standing for Truth we have felt utterly alone. If we hadn’t allowed God to give each of us a strong backbone and prepare us to stand apart from the crowd, we surely would have crumbled and compromised a long time ago.

Don’t despise loneliness. Instead, allow it to chase you into the ready arms of your King. If you turn to Him instead of trying to fill the void with other things, you will find that He is ready to meet your every need. You’ll also discover that He may be using loneliness to prepare and equip you to be a leader, to stand firm when everyone else’s courage is failing, and to live for the applause of your King alone. 

I Am Israel. I Am Gomer.

How can I tell my story and draw it in to the Bible's story? What is my testimony, this journey that Jesus has been with me through from the beginning, though I didn't realize it?

This is my story. This is where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going.

 

                                                                   ~   .   ~   .   ~ .   ~

 

Where I've been

I was always running from God. Gomer’s and the nation of Israel’s story was mine. Hosea 1:2 Go, marry a promiscuous woman.., for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.”

Hosea 2:14-15  “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.
 And there I will give her vineyards
    and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
    as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

Even though He had chosen me and was faithful to me, I ran from God and looked for happiness and love in relationships with guys. This became my desert as I was slowly distracted from the Spring of Living Water and parched by the heat of first, the fake fulfillment and then by the trial of each relationship ending. The valleys were  a hopeful place because at the end of each, my vision would be cleared to see true Beauty again. But I felt I could never quite reach full satisfaction in Him alone. I called out to the Lord asking Him to be the center of my joy and praying that it could be “just Him and me again.” He would send another test, and I would leave my God who chose me for “broken cisterns”.

I walked through one of the darkest valleys when I was 18 after I was rejected by the guy I had hoped to marry and his whole family for a reason still unknown to me. I almost turned to death for escape from the pain. The thick darkness lasted over a year, and in this time, my lifelines were two friends (one of which was James) who pointed me to Him, and Isaiah 40. Eventually however, when enough time had passed, I forgot the pit that God had brought me out of.

I believe the next valley was the worst and the best thing that the Lord has ever walked with me through. Through a dear friend's acknowledgment, realization, and fight with a sin that was sucking life away, my Comforter spoke tenderly to me and drew me to Himself as my only refuge and Salvation.

 

Where I am

 

Now, my story is Exodus 19:4 You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. and

 

Psalm 94:17-19 If the Lord had not been my help,
    my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, “My foot slips,”
    your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
    your consolations cheer my soul.

His faithfulness and grace, despite my own sins and failings that He has shown me and graciously continues to show me are my Treasure. He is becoming more beautiful to me as I walk with my mom, James, Naomi, and others on this journey of knowing Him better!

 

Where I'm going

 

Time and time again, He reminds me that my is He know the plans He has for you, and they are plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. He promises that when I  call upon Him and come and pray to Him, He will hear me and that I will seek Him and find Him, when I seek Him with all my heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13 My future is growth in sanctification and knowing Him.

Hosea 2:16-17,19-23 And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. ..And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord… And I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’; and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”

 

My future is held in His solid promises. And I know He will use the story He has written for me to glorify His name as I tell it here and take it wherever He will lead me in future. I pray that He will send me to the unreached and use me to tell those who are not His people now but were chosen before the creation of the world how beautiful it is to be His and have Him as Mine!

Deserts and Operating Tables

Woah. I just had one of those insightful moments. Now, this illustration is slightly flawed because the package man isn't inherently evil (well maybe as a sinner in real life, but not necessarily for the purposes of my point. :) )

Mila was on my lap before the knock, but when the package man came she started was barking, trying to run to the door to see him. I had a hard time getting attention when I called her, so I finally just caught her and closed both the bedroom and the bathroom door, putting her on top of the counter so she couldn't bark at the door while I washed my face. She started trembling, and I realized something. Where she had been going after the package man before, completely oblivious to me, she was now forced to rely on me to get her down from the high, slippery counter.

It hit me that it's like that with us and God. Sounds weird, but stay with me. :P His children are like the loving but easily distracted dog who run so easily after other things when they come knocking and forget their Master, even, possibly, after we have just been sitting trustingly in His lap, learning from him. He runs after us *as we run from Him* and may close doors in our life that we really wanted to be on the other side of. He sets us high upon slippery counters we may call deserts or waiting periods, out of reach of the things we would otherwise chase. This forces us to look up to him, maybe trembling with desire to go back to those things He so graciously saved us from, but looking to Him nonetheless. We are forced to wait on His timing to take us out of the desert (or surgery table if He places us on a "counter" of suffering) with loving hands. But then there is the testing. Will we eagerly thank Him and run out the doors He again opens and back to the thing we desired in the first place? Or will we thank Him and wait at His feet, still looking up at Him in gratefulness and awe that He saved us from what we thought was good for us and ready for His hands to continue guiding us more easily as we stay close to Him?


I could go on about what the Master does while we are on the "counter". But you get my point. The "face washing" is good for us somehow (we might get a bath) before the incision or daily as we walk through the desert. His love shines in his meeting our needs in the desert or in the picture of a Greater Healing someday that we see in the small surgeries now. Wow, just saying that made a bunch of things clear just now... Sometimes life lessons come from very unexpected places.

 

You're My God

(A poem with no date, although I think the words reflect my heart better now, set partially to a tune I never finished)

In the quiet, I hear Your voice
In the stillness, you're my God
You give me peace in the midst of the storm
You give me joy when all is going wrong

You calm the waves around me
Command them to be still
You are the strength surrounding
Me when I've lost my will

      You're my God
      You're my God
       I lift my hands high in praise
       I will glorify Your name

You never cease to love me
You've never let me go
Yours are the arms that hold me
Lifting me high when I am low

      You're my God
      You're my God
       I lift my hands to touch Your face
       I leave behind all earthly things

I am eternally grateful
For all You are to me
Daily, I come back to Your throne
Falling hard on dependency

In the quiet, I hear Your voice
In the stillness You're my God
You give me peace in the midst of the storm
You give me joy when all seems to go wrong
You are my peace in the middle of the war
You give me courage to keep carrying on

Dear _____

(Written last semester)

Part of love is sacrifice, part of love is letting go...
These things were nice little sayings till now
Nothing I've ever had to do..

What would I do if I couldn't see your face?
For months on end wonder if you're okay
Not be able to be a part of that life
That you would have at so high a price

But sacrifice is love... and you want this..
Letting go is love... you *want* this...
I may never fully understand..

I just pray that on that day if it comes to this
I will have the strength to say goodbye..
To hug you with all that I have in me
And to smile through tears as you leave me for a while

Don't wanna think of all the "Dear John" 's
Don't wanna think of what could happen
All I know is you'll be in God's hands
And no matter where you go this will last...

I don't ever want things between us to change
I've found the one I love and I want him close to me,
But if you go away, promise things will stay the same?
If it comes to that I promise I will stay right here.

Your Love

Your love is like a raging river
Stronger than the pounding sea
Your love is like a breath of air
Filling my lungs so that I can breath
Your love is like the tide that comes in
And pulls me far away from shore
Immerses me in the ocean
And gives me hope unknown before

Never to go back to the land
Where my feet were firmly placed
In my own understanding
Your love is a sea of unknown grace
This is the place where feet will fail
But trust lets me finally rest
Not on my sinking understanding
But on Your solid promises

Call me out farther and farther
Till the sight of my idols disappears
Till all I can see on the broad horizon
Is more of you and not my fears
I know this sea is not calm and gentle
This would be a cruelty
Instead, it is filled with waves and breakers
So that I learn to trust you
When I cannot see

When the waves are so high above my head
Seemingly taunting my little faith
When they finally crash over me
You show me your sufficient grace
My weakness shows your power made perfect
For when I am weak your strength is shown
If I felt like I had it all together
You know I wouldn't trust in You alone

Although I'm in a tempest Your love is strong
I don't have to feel land under me
I know this is Your will right now
And You promise You are sufficient for me
I asked that I might be delivered
But this storm may be my answered plea
Deliverance in the form of a lesson
Teaching me childlike trust
Is better than complacency

Let me remember this sea
 is
love
Better than the sand I knew before
I'm safer here in the unknown
Than with my comforts on the shore

Tested

Consume my dross and refine the gold
Let me not see the dross as precious anymore
Whatever it takes, Lord, let it be
Melt these chains in the fire and set me free

Let my suffering be precious in Your sight
Let me suffer well because I am alive
No longer dead in sin as I remember myself to be
Lord, use this fire to set me free...

Even when I see no earthly good from this pain
Let me find comfort in Your sovereign reign
No helpless God that can only sympathize
I have trusted a God who brings dead to life!

Like a surgeon, You cut purposefully
The wound will scar and and the wound will bleed
But the pain points to a greater healing
And keeps my eyes where they need to be

Use my suffering to help me leave
The Egypt where I am held captive
To life my eyes from the treasures here
And fix them on the Promised Land

Set my eyes firmly on this future Hope
Let me not live by what I feel but by what I know
Keep me from sinking so far into self pity
That I hinder myself from being used effectively

With This Addiction, I Thee Wed

It's not something you're proud of,

In fact it brings you shame

You haven't told anybody,

Can't even say its name..

You're running with your head down,

Hoping no one will see

The deep despair, you're sinking down.

You see no way of breaking free.

Those who love you are blind to it

It's not something they'd expect

But whether they know it or not

You're held captive by it.

You have no one to tell

You have so many regrets...

But it's buried so deep,

It's a part of you

If you tell anyone now,

They'll see right through you

They'll see how black it's made your soul..

And if you rip it out now, flesh comes with it too.

There will be a girl

Some day in the future,

A girl to whom you want to give everything

Money can buy many things,

But it cannot buy back your innocence

It cannot erase what you've seen with your eyes

It cannot buy back all of you

There will be a wedding

Some day in the future

Where you will give yourself to her

How much of you can you give?

How much of you is left?

Could you look into her eyes and say

"With this addiction, I thee wed"?

If this is you, take heart!

There is mercy free

Blood to wash away all the stains

And a loving Hand to help scars heal.

There is a way out

But you cannot stand

And fight alone

Do your fighting first in prayer

You need only come

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

1 Peter 1:3-11

Treasure

So much surrounds me
There is constant talk and chatter
Constant distractions that would fight for my life
Fight for my time, fight for my affections
But LORD, take Your place on the throne of my heart
LORD, take it back, the place You dwelt above all
Be the center of my universe
The Son I revolve around
Give me strength to keep my eyes
Fixed on You
When my hope is lost and the waves overtake me
You are the God who lifts me up
Let me never think it was anything in me
Oh LORD, I am a worm
I am humbled by Your grace
I cannot even lift my head
But You lift it for me so that I may gaze
On the One my soul should treasure

Teach Me How To Pray

I feel like every time
I pray like this
I have to write things down
Because I won't remember it
Or I might not have
Another experience like this
Again
But it's just like a friendship
When you talk to someone
You both remember it
You cultivate that friendship
And build it on memories
And when I pray to You,
You remember
So Jesus, teach me how to pray
To build this friendship
This trust
This love

Sometimes I feel like a baby Christian
Because in truth I have not been
A Christian that long
When I was sixteen
I felt like I could not get closer to You
Like there was no way
I could do any more
For You
I was so hungry
For Your Word
So hungry
To serve You
But even then
Was I praying like I should?
Jesus, teach me how to pray

What is a relationship
Without communication?
What kind of relationship
Only goes one way?
When I read the Bible
That is You speaking to me
But when I pray
That is me speaking to You
And I need that
As much as anything
I know You delight
To hear from me
So teach me how to pray

I feel ashamed
That all this time
I've been a Christian
I haven't learned properly
How to pray
I haven't been comfortable
Just sitting down
Being quiet with my own thoughts
And talking to You
When in reality
It should be the easiest thing
In the world
And either my activities
Are more important
Or maybe I've just
Fed myself with so many things
That don't require
Brain activity
That I have lost
That desperate sense
Of the need to pray
So teach me the desperateness
And teach me how to pray

Let me be as comfortable
With You
As I am with any friend
Even more so
Because I don't often sit down
And talk to friends
Like I know I need
To talk to You
Teach me how to talk
And teach me how to pray

You told your disciples
How to pray
'Father in Heaven
Hallowed be You name
Your Kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive our those
Who have trespassed against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For Yours is the kingdom
And the power
And the glory forever'

And I've often heard
Many sermons
'Hallowed be Your name'
Is a plea that Your name
Be glorified and holy
'Your kingdom come'
And 'Your will be done'
Is asking You to do
What You are already
Going to do
What is in Your plan
Already
'On earth as it is in Heaven'
Is asking You to supersede
Human nature
And do Your will
Even as it is in done Heaven
With perfect angels
Despite the imperfections
Here on earth
'Give us this day
Our daily bread'
Is a request that
You give us
What we need
Which is far too often
What we do
Far too often...
And even beyond
Our needs, for things
We do not need
Teach me to be content

'Forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those
Who have trespassed against us'
Is asking You to forgive
Our sins
A thing of which
I do not do
Nearly enough
And a thing of which
I need to be taught
'Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil'
Is begging you to help us
In the future
With the sins we commit
Every day
And I need to do that more
'For Yours is the power
And the glory
Forever and ever'
Is giving us the reason
That we pray
Is it all to Your glory
And you have the power
To answer
So teach me how to pray

The God Who Takes Care of Me

I wrote this in Uganda when I was reading through Romans.
Romans 5:1-5 We have been justified through faith. We have peace with God. Hope does not disappoint, Christ died for me when I was still POWERLESS.

Against all human reasoning
You are the God who answers prayer
Against all possible reality
You gave Abraham a son
And not only one
But a multitude

He trusted in You
You did what You said you'd do
And his faith
Was counted to him as righteousness

Do I believe?
Do I believe like Abraham did?
Do I believe
That You can answer my prayers
And will?

You saved me when I was helpless
You rescued me when I was lost
In my powerlessness
You answered my unspoken call

If you answer before I ask
Will you not also answer my unspoken pleas?
If you give before I ask
Will you not also take care of me?

You are good
Let me never forget it
You're my Father
Let me always remember
And with Your power
You always take good care of me

Well, Back to Normal Life... Or Is It?

I believe that every mission trip should have a goal, something you work towards while you are away from home. But what about after you get back from the mission field?

I've been on several mission trips, and after every one, I've felt empty and alone. Why is that? I think it's because, sure, there may have been a goal I set while I was on the trip, but it wasn't an open-ended goal. It was a goal I set for 10 days, two weeks, two months... It didn't go beyond that. So when I came back, I felt like I had left my purpose behind. My goal was a short-sighted one.

I got excited to serve Jesus while I was overseas, and I set a goal to help me keep my eyes on the prize. But I did not plan what I would do when I got home.

There's something wrong with that.

My goal for Uganda in the first month was to be more selfless, to give of myself and serve, as Jesus did, in any way I could. This could look like doing the dishes after a meal, sweeping the dirty kitchen floor, or just doing the jobs I was given every day on the construction team with a cheerful attitude. I did not always make my goal, I admit, especially having that cheerful attitude. But those days I did were some of the best, fulfilling ones.

As time progressed, I added on to my goal. I was reading through Romans during the trip, and many things stuck out to me. In chapter 13 verse 8, Paul is talking about love. He says, "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law." I wrote it on my arm and kept looking back on it for several days afterwards because it really struck me. We have been loved. We have a debt we owe to Jesus. Therefore, we owe it to others to show them that same kind of love. And that involves living in harmony with others, as it mentioned in the chapter before. I made it my goal to do whatever it took to live in harmony and to show love, even when, and especially when, it wasn't being shown back.

This was the hardest goal because there was one person that seemed to really have it out for me. It is emotionally draining to keep turning the other cheek and responding in love... But it made me rely on God all the more as I constantly had to keep coming to him when my strength and determination ran out. It took what seemed like forever, but I eventually saw the results of that love come back as God worked in their heart and they even came to me and apologized for everything.

God really blessed those goals, and let me see the results even while I was there! But what about now?

Does it make sense to come back home and mope because I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore, like I left my purpose behind me when I left Africa?
Not at all.
I still have a sphere of influence here. I come in contact with people every day, even if it's just my family. Why can I not continue striving toward those goals, and as new challenges arise make new ones?

Yesterday, I went to Prayer Mountain to get away from everything and have time alone with God. Although it was hot outside and my body longed for water, the thirst in my soul was being quenched.

I re-listened to a sermon by Francis Chan about being on fire for Jesus and read the book of Joel as I watched the sun set and the the Prairie lights start to come out. Later, I watched a sermon by Matt Chandler about becoming more mature as a Christian.

In the sermon about being on fire for Jesus, Francis Chan talked about the church in Laodecia in Revelation and how they were lukewarm. He said that most people are casual about God because they have a casual picture of Him. He listed some things that can feed that casual picture of God, as I wrote down my own list.

In the book of Joel, I read about the destruction that came upon Israel because they would not repent of their sins. And yet, there was grace. Joel 2:12-14 " 'Even now, ' declares the LORD, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love , and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing..."

In the sermon on maturity, the thing Chandler kept emphasizing was getting our eyes on Jesus and putting to death the old self and its ways. He told some things that he personally could not follow too closely or they would keep him from following the Master too closely and rob him of affection for Him. Again, I made my own list.

While I was listening to the sermons and reading, I did not see it, but looking back I see a common denominator in all of them -- do whatever it takes to get closer to Jesus, to see Him for who He truly is, take the veil off my eyes and get rid of anything that would cloud my vision of His glory. Even now, He waits for me to do just that, get rid of all these little trinkets and run after the great Treasure!

Perhaps, before anything else, this should be my goal. Everything else depends on it.

I cannot leave the mission field and think that I can somehow go home and rest. How will I be able to be a missionary overseas if I am easy on myself here? The truth of the matter is, home is the hardest mission field, and it is perhaps the most important because this is the training ground.

I now have three goals: be selfless, love unhindered, and above all, "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles" (Heb. 12:1). The last comes first. How can I give others an accurate picture of God if there are things clouding my own image of God?

This is no longer business as usual. We are at war,
and we are on a mission.

You are now entering the mission field.

Day 50: Encouragements, Challenges, and Moments

Hello everyone! This is to let you know that I am not dead. There was a week where we didn't have internet after the visitors arrived because we used it all up when they came. Heh. That was nice though, because there were no distractions from social media and we were able to get to know the team better. There was never a need to apprehend their coming. All nine of them are really awesome! I am going to miss them so much.

The plan is to leave tomorrow with the Wright's after church. They are already going downcountry to go pick up two of their daughters who are coming from the States, so we are going to hitch a ride up with them up to Mbale (about halfway to the airport). Then we will drive the rest of the way with a couple the Okkens know on Wednesday.

We were originally supposed to leave on Tuesday and make the two day trip all at once, but the Wright's had some business in Mbale that needed to be taken care of. So as it stands now, Ruth and I will spend two extra days in Mbale. We will stay at the Webber's house again -- the home of a missionary family that left Uganda a while back -- so we will not need to spend too much money for a hotel. We will probably, however, check in to one closer to the airport on Wednesday before our 1am flight Thursday morning.

This trip has been quite an experience. I have gotten to know so many new people; I have learned about the culture of the Karamajong, some of their language. I have learned how life works here at the mission at Nakaale and the different dynamics of life here. I have also seen how we as a team, the church of Christ, can work together to advance the Kingdom, and how kindness, against all odds can overcome differences and conflict. I feel like I have learned more about the love of Christ than anything on this trip and what that love can do if it is shared.

I have been reading through Romans on this trip and really latched on, especially, to chapters 12-13. Through some conflicts I have had, I have been reminded of Romans 13:8: "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to live one another." "This debt of love I owe" to my Savior can never be repaid, but now it is my duty and JOY to pass this love on to others with whom I live and work, and, in some small, limited way, to the Karamajong.

I have learned again that smiles and song transcend cultural barriers. And when I am with the people, whether it's going to buy stone for work on the compound, helping them load it onto a truck, fixing boreholes, or standing in church surrounded by them all worshiping God in their mother tongue, I realize that we share both. What beauty.... that we can be connected to people so far away from home by these simple things.

Kaylyn, one of the new team members, asked Ruth and I what some of the best moments we have had while we have lived here in the past weeks have been. I have shared with you my encouragement and challenge for this trip as a whole, and now I will share with you moments. Moments like when Rebekah and I went to Kopetatum with Leah Hopp and the women and girls in a village there taught us how to grind sorghum as they laughed and giggled because of how bad we were at it... or when we were coming back from pouring concrete at the drill site a few days ago and I watched as Tom (Bob's right-hand man here) and his friend, Joshua, tasted pancake for the first time and asked how it was "being made"... Or when little children, clad in a shirt and no pants or a skirt and no shirt, ran after the truck on our way to or from the Okatatot drill site yelling " Mzungu! Mzungu!" (Meaning "Foreigner! Foreigner!") and smiled so big when you turned around and waved... Or when all the voices underneath the open-air church building, both mzungu and Karamajong, join together in praise to our Savior who brought us all together, to this place at this time.

I will miss it all.

Now it's on to new heights and challenges, new experiences, and new moments. This moving on is just another step in the journey.

Day 31: Walk to Kopetatum

Hannah left on her way to South Africa this morning after a scary loss of a passport and a wonderful answer to the prayer of finding it. This leaves Rebekah and I on the construction team until a guy named Matthew joins us on Thursday along with the other team coming to do VBS type stuff.

Bob and his family are gone till tomorrow, and since there was not much we could do without him or Bobby he said it would be okay for us to follow Taryn around this morning. Taryn is the MA here that teaches preschool and trains Karamajong men and women to teach. Their program is called KEO (Karamoja Education Outreach), and they go to different villages to teach the kids. They also have an actual building near the clinic where we were digging the ditch that first week. Today, though, we went to Kopetatum, a village that is about a 30 minute walk from the mission.

We got there and set up tarps as mats for the kids to sit on. Then one of the teachers told me and Bekah, "Okay, now we go to mobilize de cheeldren." (I love their accents!) So we followed the teachers into the small villages, called homes, and they called "Potu!" which means "(you all) come."

I followed the feet in front, 

Walking through the sorghum fields. 

Sounds of children in the village
Get nearer and nearer.

To my left is a thorn fence
Separating us from a hut.
To my right, I hear low humming of a girl 

Between sorghum plants.

I follow the bare feet in front
Walking through the village.
Goats in clumps bleat;
Children run on tiny feet,
And they stop and stare.

In that state of eyes so wide,
Isee a look, reflection of what's inside. 

Big, brown eyes, looking at white skin,

 Maybe for the first time. 

But there's something deeper.

I follow the bare feet in front,
Calling to children to come and learn, 

While holding the gaze of the longing child.

A secret is hidden behind those eyes, 

A secret that may not be so secret --
May not be so different from what's seen outside.

I want to know the secret; 

I want to hold those hands.
I want to be the one she goes to
When her world makes no more sense.

Bring me back here
To this beautiful place,
A beautiful land filed with so many needs...
And this face.

I sit surrounded by comfort
When I am at home,
But I want to leave it behind
And follow the bare feet in front.

I want to be a part of them 

And live like they do,
Be able to love them and
Find out the truth
Behind the secret in their eyes.

I took some pictures, which I can attach to Facebook because it still won't let me attach here. The children were precious. The little ones had boogers running down their noses and only had half as many clothes as the older ones. The older ones which were not that much older but still carried babies on their backs with blankets, trying to shush them when they cried. I think the oldest there may have been around 8 or 9, although it's hard to tell age across cultures. (They look older than they are too us and we look younger than we are to them.)

 The teachers sat older and younger kids on different tarps and told Bible stories and read books. The teacher I was with with the younger kids told the story of Abraham and Isaac and how God told him to sacrifice his son. Then another teacher translated an English book into Karamajong about a girl named Lila who tried make rain fall for her village in Kenya that was in drought by telling the sky the saddest stories she knew so it would cry. We didn't get to the end because each teacher had 20 minutes. Another taught them the letters, A through N, and another taught them numbers up to 5. I remember 1 and 3 from that lesson, epi and uni. :P The Karamajong language is nice because the pronunciation is similar to Spanish.

It was about 10:30 when we left the village and around 11 when we got back. Oh excuse me, its starting to rain, have to save the laundry!!

Okay, I'm back now! So I have been here in the room I share with the girls since then having a nice, long quiet time and debating with Rebekah about things like how long people lived in Genesis and when Mt. Everest was formed.

Today's been a much-needed, restful day. I don't think my back could have handled any more hoeing of the rocks. XP Tomorrow, depending on what Bob says, Beckah and I may be able to follow Leah around to the villages.

Prayer requests:
David has been feeling not so good lately. He slept like 12 hours last night after having a 4hour nap. He has been tested for malaria and it came up negative, but he is still sick.

Prayer for the rest of us to remain sane and unsick in light of Ruth coming back from the clinic with diseases on her clothes and not taking until after dinner and then sitting on my bed with said diseases :P no seriously

Hannah, as she travels to South Africa. Thanks that her passport has been found *whew* and for her archaeological dig to go well

I have been leaving lunch early so I can read my Bible. Sometimes I even get to read before bed if I am in bed before 10:30, which sometimes happens. I am very thankful for the extra time I have in quiet. It's hard sometimes when you go on a mission trip to find time with the Reason you went in the first place... Thanks for your prayers!

Until next time,
Keelaire

Day 21 - Day 26

Today we pulled out the pipes from a borehole (basically a narrow well), about an hour from the mission, along with the drill bit that was attached to it. Then we lowered the casing that's supposed to keep all the dirt and things from contaminating the water and keep the walls from collapsing into the borehole. Eighteen cases, each ten feet long. My job was to grease both ends of each case so they would screw on easily, so I didn't not really see how the casing was lowered, but I know they used the drill rig and chains tied around at least the top end. It is hard to describe the rig without pictures, but I did not get any pictures because I did not have my phone on me. I know Hannah and Rebekah got some pictures . Maybe I can attach later.

After the casing was set in the hole, we poured silt around the casing so it wouldn't wobble in the hole. At a certain point in this process, water came GUSHING over three to of the casing. This we took lots of pictures of because Bob Wright (our boss) says this doesn't happen too often, and when it does, we know we have a winner. That's a good thing too because this job has taken a LONG time to complete. And that ground was hard! Took about 30 minutes on average for the drill to move one foot down!!

Then we dug around the casing and cemented a metal cylinder over top of it. There was a cover over it to prevent kids from throwing dirt or rocks into the water. Note we are just waiting a week for the cement to dry fully. (It's rainy season here so it rains pretty much every day.)

I wrote this blog on Friday before we took a 4 day long trip down country with the Knox's, going I could post the blog before then but wasn't able to. For some reason, it won't let me post pictures here, but maybe I can pay some to Facebook.

It is 9:46pm right now, so I am going to go to bed soon. Here, everyone gets tired early. I don't know if I've said this, but 9:00pm is "missionary midnight". :P Pretty accurate too. It does feel like midnight.

I will hopeful be able to write more later. As you are praying, please keep us and the team that will be coming next week in your prayers. Thank you so much!!!

Day 15 in Africa: Finally Settled In

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Today is a cooking and cleaning day! Our room is mostly cleaned, the kitchen is swept, and the smell of bread has made its way into the sitting area in the main house. Ruth and Hannah are sitting with me, uploading pictures and entertaining an MA couple's precious baby girl. Hannah and Bekah are still getting over a cold/some other type of disease, and Hannah's voice is hilarious. It sounds like what a guy's voice on helium would sound like or Hannah Montana. Take your pick. ;)

It's been a long time in coming, but I am finally feeling settled in here. Ruth and I are getting more familiar with the MA's here, the missionaries and their kids. There are 4 other MA's besides Hannah and Rebekah. Leah Hopp, the sister of Ben Hopp, who is in Haiti with his family, is a community health instructor. She goes around to different villages around Nakaale (where the mission is) and teaches people about how they can prevent getting sick. Shes been living here for about 7 years now. Taryn Deekman is a preschool teacher in a school right next to the clinic that Dr. Knox works in. She's been living here since 2013 and goes back to the US to visit family during the summers. Chris and Chloe Verdick have been here for about 3 years, 11 months of which have been with Carmel. Chloe is the money lady and keeps track of the money the visitors spend in groceries, room and board, and little things we buy. Chris is a little bit of an everything man, but mostly, I think, he supervises the Karamajong people the mission has employed as guards or other things.

There is one visitor at the moment besides Ruth and I named David. He is a 23-year-old former homeschooler who is studying to be a doctor and just completed his first year of medical school. He and Ruth both help out Doctor Jim Knox at the clinic during the week.

In about 3 weeks, a team of 9 will be coming from South California. If I am not mistaken, all of them, with the exception of one, will be doing some type of VBS thing with Pastor Al Tricaroco and Pastor David Okken at the schools around here. One of their guys will be joining Hannah, Rebekah, and I on the construction team.

At the moment, the MA's, Ruth, David and I are fed dinner on Mondays at the Wrights, Tuesdays at the Okkens, Thursdays at the Tricaricos, Fridays at either the Knox's or the Verdick's, and Saturdays is a combined dinner with all the families at the Tricaricos. Sundays and Wednesdays we make dinner for ourselves in the kitchen in the main house that is connected to the Tricaricos place.

 It will be interesting when the team comes because on these days we will have to coordinate food and who does the dishes with them. It is kind of hard with 6 people as it is; I guess we will have to get more organized. :P On the other days of the week I think we are taking turns with the California team going to the different missionary families' houses so we don't overwhelm them. Oh, and when the Tricaricos minus Pastor Al leave tomorrow to visit family and friends in the States for two months, I guess Pastor Al will keep cooking for us on Thursday and maybe we can cook for him on Saturdays.

I am excited to meet the team coming, and I am also a little apprehensive. I'm sure we would all appreciate prayer that we will all get along with them in the small space we have to share and that, above all, we would all be lights to each other.

I was surprised in coming here that we seem to have more interaction with each other, especially on the weekends, than

we do with the Karamajong. I have found that to be the hardest part of being here, since I am already so familiar with Hannah, Rebekah and Ruth. The time I have have spent with Jesus has been wonderful, but I am finding out that I have so little time to myself during the day that if I don't actively make time by giving something up I will get to the end of day after exhausting day without opening my Bible. I would greatly appreciate prayers for wisdom in what I can give up and what would be best to give up. It can be hard sometimes because a lot of that time is time getting to know the missionaries and MA's better. Saturdays and Sundays we have more time to ourselves and with each other since we only have a half day on Saturday for work, so it is easier on the weekends.

I am so looking forward to a full day of rest tomorrow and worship in the church with the Karamajong in Karamajong songs, a sermon by Pastor Dave and Sunday school with Pastor Al. Then there's evening service later and more singing, this time in English :) I love Sundays.

Please pray that God's Word would be fruitful here and that the nations would be glad and sing for joy, in Uganda, at home, and all around the world.

Psalm 67:4

Day 6: Digging a Trench

Last week, we dug a trench for the clinic to drain all the water from the sink down to the stream area more than 300 feet away. Bob Wright, the head of the construction/all-around handyman team, wanted to stop the kids from playing underneath the sink in the dirty water, the dogs from drinking the water and just to stop the muddy mess around where people walked. Rebekah, Hannah and I were the only ones digging for 6 days. We woke up every morning stiff and sore, ready to go back to work for another 8 hours.

The clinic is next to a small village called Moru Grace. Moru means “mountain,” and Leah (one of the Missionary Associates here) says that there used to be an old woman living in the mountain named Grace, so they basically called the village Grace’s mountain. Some kids and adults from the village and around the area would come and watch us while we dug, commenting in limited English on how hard the work was and asking if we were tired -- a question with an obvious answer, but they were trying to make conversation. :)

To ensure the piping we put in later would not be crushed by vehicles and/or people driving and walking over it, we dug the entire trench two feet deep and deeper in some places. The goal was to start out at two feet and gradually slope down so that the water would run down the pipes toward the stream behind the clinic fence. We measured this by pouring water in the trench every once in a while to check if it was going downhill. This worked while we had no pipes in the trench, but because of the unevenness of the trench at the bottom, the pipe did not necessarily lie flat the whole length of the trench… SO the water may pool in some areas of the pipe, but Bob said we don’t have to worry about it leaking because the dirt around the pipes will act as a glue once it is fully packed in around the pipes and eventually the water will build up and run out the end of the pipe into the stream. We are hoping this is the case. It was a long, hard week of work.

While we were digging one day – I believe it was the fourth or fifth day, the day we had to hack through a network of thorns to continue the trench on the other side of the clinic fence – I was thinking about the thorns that are all over Africa. They are a result of the curse, which are a result of Adam and Eve’s sin. They wouldn’t have been there if sin had not entered into the world. We would not have had to deal with them. I was stuck with thorns several times as Bekah and I were hacking through them, trying to clear the ground for our shovels, and I thought of the crown of thorns Jesus wore when he died for me on the cross… the crown of thorns that was jabbed so brutally into his skull, piercing skin and drawing blood. Huge thorns, like these I cut through with my machete – thorns that were a result of our sin. A curse that came upon the world when that first sin was committed and the first blood of an innocent lamb was shed to cover Adam and Eve’s shameful nakedness – a curse that has stayed ever since -- was jabbed into my Savior’s head thousands of years later, shedding the blood of the true innocent Lamb to cover our shameful nakedness and clothe us with his righteousness so that we could stand before his father, unashamed. What a wonderful Savior we have…

Our next project is to fill the potholes and deep groves in the dirt in front of the Wright’s workshop with stones we are hauling down from the site where we will be building a new clinic. The leftover rocks will be used to mix with cement to make concrete for the floors and ceiling. 

Unfailing LOVE

~My prayer after reading Psalm 55~

Oh LORD, you come to my aid.
When I want to flee, it is You who sustains me.
The God of my life is my Refuge,
My Fortress from the evil that surrounds me.
Oh that I could abide in Your courts,
In the innermost place where You dwell,
For with You is peace and safety;
Joy complete is in Your presence.
But You make Your sun shine
On the wicked and the good.
Your presence is ever with me,
Even where I am.
You are near to those who call on you,
To all who call on You in truth.
You fulfill the desires of those who fear You;
You hear their cry and
You save them!
You watch over all who love You,
But You have no mercy on the wicked
Whom You have not saved.
Surely I am wicked, O LORD,
But You saved me from the pit I was in.
You called me out of the mud and mire
That I might glorify Your Name.
If I had been righteous
In my own eyes,
I could not have praised Your Name.
But You delivered me
When I was helpless;
Let me never forget Your goodness!

Let me never rise up above my knees
And disdain the Name of my Savior,
For You delivered me when I was sinking.
My sins were above my head;
I could not breathe.
But You gave life to the helpless
And Hope to the one who had none!
You delivered me and gave me breath.
You filled my lungs with goodness
And opened my mouth
So that I could praise you.

My place is lowly, for I cannot say,
"It was I who saved myself!"
No, but I owe everything to You!
I am humbled by Your Grace;
I am in awe of Your Mercy.
Such things are too wonderful for me.
My God, Your unfailing Love 
I will never understand.