Goals for Winter Break

1. Read How to Read a Book 

Personal Growth Project

This was an assignment for Discipleship class that I found really helpful in heart digging.

Accompanying the habit of grace of fellowship, one passage I kept thinking about this semester was John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  

I chose this passage because the Holy Spirit kept bringing it to mind over the semester. However, in my self-pity, I tried to apply it to the people around me instead of myself. I kept thinking, “If I can’t see the love my brothers and sisters in Christ have for each other and for me, how will non-believers be able to see it?” This question kept nagging me and the irreconcilable truth of the lack of love that I was seeing and Jesus’ command left me frustrated and deeply disappointed in the people of God. I kept asking God, “How long will your people be cold to me? If I don’t feel loved in a community like this, how will I feel loved anywhere?” I was so deep in the pit of despair I could only see the sins of others around me. I felt incapable of loving others. When I would talk to them, my mind was literally blank – I couldn’t up with questions to show them I cared. I just hoped desperately they had the capacity to love me because I literally felt unable to love them.

I didn’t realize it before this course, but I was used to having love poured out on me from my family and friends back home. They knew me and my struggles and were able to meet me where I was and vice versa. Loving others that I knew well looked like keeping up with their life, asking questions, and taking time to talk to them. Just as I was growing in that grace more, I moved to Minnesota… Now the question was how can I love those I don’t know? The logical conclusion? – start by getting to know them. However, when I found the ability to converse that would start that process was not there, I tried to hide, hoping someone would come after me in my darkness. My High Priest who has been tempted in every way that I am was the only One who met me there and showed me He still loved me beyond my best imaginings. The Holy Spirit convicted me with this verse: “If you love others who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who are good to you? What credit is that to you? Even sinners do good to those who are good to them.” My prayer constantly was, “Lord, continue to show me your deep love for me so that my cup will overflow to others!” This led me back to getting in the Word and prayer in the moment to give me a caring heart for those I feel have wronged me by not loving me. When, instead of waiting for others to reach out, I reached out to them, the Lord blessed those efforts, and I have seen several new friendships from the strength God gave me to persevere in doing good.  

My prayer is still the same for the future. Without His love deeply felt in my heart, all that will come out are droplets of love – if any at all. He is the ever-flowing fountain of love; I am only a cup. I must drink from His river of Life as He freely gives to me in order to be successful in loving my brothers and sisters, who are human and weak, just as I am. But God’s grace is sufficient for me! When I don’t have the desire to commune with Christ in His Word or prayer, I pray He gives me strength to seek out fellowship that will spur me on to love and good deeds. These habits are a cycle of grace for my soul.

I Have Tasted

In my loss, I see more clearly
What I once was blinded to
Without any one person to rely on
I now must hold tightly to only You

In my loneliness, my eyes can focus
Beyond the distractions I once knew
Though they were not inherently wrong
They clouded my vision of glorious You

In my lack, I want nothing
Except to be loved by You
If this, I already have, why chase another
When You have already said, "I do"?

In my emptiness, I am wholly filled
As I follow what is true
My great desire is to complete my purpose
For, now, I know your plans are good

In my grief, I find Solace
In a Refuge I never knew
Facts were always in my bank of knowledge
But now, I have tasted; I have seen that
You are good!

Because You Love Me

It's easier than I thought and yet not what I thought it'd be
It's harder than I wanted

Though I find myself fighting for love
Here in this broken world
My comfort is
It's not so with You
You loved me first
You know me deeply
And still, You love
In spite of myself
And therefore, I
Am
Free

Lessons in the Wilderness

Disclaimer: I often post personal things, but not like this. My goal in my postings is to help those who read it by being open and honest about my struggles and pointing to the joy that comes with knowing and following Christ in some way. This post was originally created as more of a journal entry that I wasn't sure whether I would post or not because I feel it is more raw and vulnerable than I have been in my other posts. It is strictly a flowing out of my own thoughts and feelings to make sense of them in light of the gospel. This is an area I would like to grow in more, but I hope that what is here can still build you up in your faith and, if nothing else, let you know that you're not alone.

                                                                    ~          ~         ~

Process... I don't have time to process. But every time the tears well up in my eyes in public, whether it's in a conversation with someone or during a prayer or song I'm singing, I realize how much I need it. When I don't have much time to think things through, the only times I can think about things is when a sensitive subject comes up, and this is usually in public.
Go, go, go. That's what these last few months have been. So I'm making time to process. I need to be studying for my Greek midterm, but since I have already done some I've decided that I need this more.
"How are you doing?" A common greeting I hear when I see acquaintances in the hallway or coffee shops. I know it's just a greeting, but it makes me think about how I really am... And when I think too hard, I realize I'm not doing very well. I think the only things keeping me from crying more is the fact that I'm going all the time and the sweet times of prayer I have on my morning walks to school.
It's not that everybody is mean to me. It's not that most people aren't friendly when they see me. The thing that hurts most, that makes me feel most alone, is that when I feel most alone, I don't have anyone I can go to, who's physically here, who I know will want to hear from me and I won't feel like I'm bothering. It makes me miss all those who used to be there for me but can't anymore.
I was talking to Darcy, the woman who interviewed me initially to come to Bethlehem. I unknowingly sat next to her at lunch, which was a blessing. I told her it would feel like a fire, but a desert is a more accurate picture because it has the connotation of inherent loneliness.
O Lord, how long?
Being a transfer junior means that I missed out on being a freshman, surrounded by a group of other students who are new. It's hard being dropped straight into a group of students who have been here for two, three years, already. They have their group of friends. Their way of life is pretty set; they have their routines.
One of the things I have done since I can remember is try to be invisible. For the last almost 3 months I haven't had to try. It's like that game I used to play when I was younger about where I would go around in an invisibility cloak and we would pretend the other players didn't know I was there unless I gave myself away by sound. If only it was that easy. I feel like I have to fight to even make my voice be heard above the other, more familiar ones. Some times it seems like there is not room for a stranger in an environment of friends. It's ironic, but I'm finding that the thing I have always tried to be is now my greatest fear.

I think I know what it is. I think I am finding out, slowly and painfully, that I have been so used to getting my worth from the people I am with, from the friendships I have and from how loved or "worthy" I feel in specific friendships. This all comes from the huge transition of being in a relationship to not being in one.

November 3
I do not see myself for who I am in You. Consumed and overwhelmed by what my peers think of me and feeling as if I do not fit into this new world, I find myself in a hard place. This is not the essence of my feelings at the moment but I hear that thoughts tend to entangle as they are written down, so, I write. My thoughts are fuzzy and disconnected right now. This is how they are when I do not have time to process them. They are clear as mud until I see them before my eyes, out in the open. That's when I can make sense of them.
Feeling as if I don't fit in is a blessing, I hear, because this is how the Christian life should be. Yes, this world is not my home, and becoming comfortable in it is a great danger to my effectiveness as a follower of Jesus. But I long to feel at home. I long to feel needed, wanted. I don't want to go through my days feeling as though I constantly want to be somewhere else... I am not sure what to do. Lord, would you bless me with contentment?
I have found solace in little these last few months. I try to look to friendships to give me worth, only to find that they are non-existent or don't live up to what I was expecting. I try to look to the feelings of being loved, only to find that most around me are so busy that they lack the time and energy to care. I even have, despite my resolve and deep desires, looked to the excitement of interaction with the opposite sex and fantasies of what could come of those interactions, only to find that the overflow of these thoughts and energies solely and specifically placed in this world of imagination breed awkwardness in interactions, leading to less than satisfactory feelings immediately afterwards. I try to look to the beauty around me in nature, only to be reminded by those around me that the beauty will not last, that soon it will be winter and the vivacious colors of fall will have dropped to the ground, yielding to the barrenness of branches foreshadowing the coming cold that will make it's home in this city. I look to many, many broken cisterns, and I'm sure, more besides these, only to find that NOTHING SATISFIES. It has been frusterating, expecting and hoping to see some light at the end of the tunnel of this discontentedness only to find more of it. It's frustrating until I realize that this may be what my Savior wants. Maybe this is what I am to find in the desert of isolation, the overflowing oasis of life-giving restoration that can only be found in my Loving Father and Faithful Friend.
Lord, my longings lead me astray! Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, for I am too weak to climb to You on my own. Allow me to make sense of my feelings and turn my energy towards a healthy life of prayer, rather than to the empty things that I default to to satisfy me. "O God, O God, please save me from myself."

I'm thirsty, God, I'm thirsty
From drinking what destroys me
I'm pouring poison in my cup

I'm hungry, God, I'm hungry
Consuming what controls me
Somehow it never fills me up

Everybody says we're all so different
But everybody knows we're all the same
We're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain
Something's got to change

Like a Seed

Like a seed in the ground
My body will go
Dead and small
Dried up and alone
It doesn't look like
Anything will come
From this seed in the ground
Pushed down in the soil

But at the right time
Something will grow
Like a plant pushing through
To sun and to hope
The unthinkable will happen
What's impossible
You will call me to Yourself
You will call me home

To My Former Life

This was actually originally a challenge from my dad to put all the words I say most on Facebook (one of those see what my results are things) into a paragraph. I decided to put it into a poem and it turned into this thing that was apparently in my heart that needed to be written!

So many broken people looking for a home
The world looks past the church yet longs to be found
Still... if there is only truth in a place there won't be heart
True sons of the King are known by their love

Questions are asked of this Christ that we sing
Of this faith that is not in the life that we live
Can the worship we give to our Lord be real
If trust isn't growing like fruit on a tree?

If, by the Spirit, our hearts don't open to grace?
And if His Word read doesn't produce in us glad praise?
If we pray only when we feel we need to make time for Him
Not realizing the greatness of such an awesome thing?

If we see only ourselves and not parts of a picture?
What good is all we learned if we don't remember
That who He was in His Book is who He is today?
If the connection between hearts and heads isn't made?

This is my prayer -- that this Person I see
Redeemer in the Psalms and Liberator of the weak
Would be the One on whom we fall
When knowledge would make us proud and place us over all

May His arms be open as we run back to Him
To rest in His forgiveness and the comfort He gives
I know His grace can accomplish more than we can endeavor
Because Jesus took someone like Claire and changed her forever

In the Broken

It's funny to think I thought
God wanted my perfect
When all that He really wants
Is me and my broken
Tried so hard to cover up the mess
But I was only lying to myself
Because He saw what I was doing and
He knows me

But isn't that what Jesus did?
Came for all who know their mess
Lived the life we couldn't live
So we could be free
He invites us into His death
Death to self but not death to mess
Because He's the only one that's perfect
And we find our freedom in the broken

In the Valley

In the valley

In the shadows

In the stillness, You are God

And no fear could

Ever touch me

In Your right hand You hold my heart

In the silence

In the aching

You will replace what has been lost

You are more than enough for me

More than all I’ve ever wanted

You’re exactly all I need

Help me trust You

Help me trust You

Comfort, comfort my heart

In the stillness, You are still God

If You Are Lonely

~from “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy~

Eric endured a period of profound loneliness while he was taking a semester off from college. He had just come from a busy schedule at school that included sports, study, and an active social life. Now, back at home with an empty schedule while all his buddies were still at school and his family was occupied with their lives, he felt an intense inward pain like nothing he’d ever before known. One day he found himself on his knees, weeping into the fabric of the sofa. The loneliness had become too much to handle. As he cried out to his Lord, he suddenly felt a tremendous peace wash over him. It was almost as if Jesus Himself were kneeling beside Eric, wrapping a tender arm around his shoulders and whispering words of love and comfort to his soul.

That afternoon Eric sat at the piano and wrote this song:

I am like a deer, You are like that water.

I run to You, like a son to his Father,

I felt so alone, like a moth without a flame,

But You ignited, and to You I came,

And that’s forever.

I felt so alone, like a ship without a sea.

But You gave me water,

You took my hand and said to me,

“This is for eternity.”

I’ll never be lonely,

I’ll never be lonely without You.

I’ve got this feeling that You’re here to stay,

And I know I’ll never be lonely with You.

Elizabeth Elliot once said, “Loneliness is a required course for leadership.” If God is preparing you to make an impact on this world for His kingdom, chances are He will take you through a season of solitude. This is a season when you learn that you can’t lean upon anyone but Him or your confidence and when you gain the strength to stand alone even when no one stands with you.

In the past fourteen years of Christian ministry, Eric and I have often been incredible grateful for the seasons of loneliness we experienced before we were married – those times when we learned to stand firm in our convictions and find refuge and comfort in the arms of our Kind, to live for only His smile, even when it seems no one else was smiling upon us. So many times in standing for Truth we have felt utterly alone. If we hadn’t allowed God to give each of us a strong backbone and prepare us to stand apart from the crowd, we surely would have crumbled and compromised a long time ago.

Don’t despise loneliness. Instead, allow it to chase you into the ready arms of your King. If you turn to Him instead of trying to fill the void with other things, you will find that He is ready to meet your every need. You’ll also discover that He may be using loneliness to prepare and equip you to be a leader, to stand firm when everyone else’s courage is failing, and to live for the applause of your King alone. 

I Am Israel. I Am Gomer.

How can I tell my story and draw it in to the Bible's story? What is my testimony, this journey that Jesus has been with me through from the beginning, though I didn't realize it?

This is my story. This is where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going.

 

                                                                   ~   .   ~   .   ~ .   ~

 

Where I've been

I was always running from God. Gomer’s and the nation of Israel’s story was mine. Hosea 1:2 Go, marry a promiscuous woman.., for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.”

Hosea 2:14-15  “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.
 And there I will give her vineyards
    and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
    as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

Even though He had chosen me and was faithful to me, I ran from God and looked for happiness and love in relationships with guys. This became my desert as I was slowly distracted from the Spring of Living Water and parched by the heat of first, the fake fulfillment and then by the trial of each relationship ending. The valleys were  a hopeful place because at the end of each, my vision would be cleared to see true Beauty again. But I felt I could never quite reach full satisfaction in Him alone. I called out to the Lord asking Him to be the center of my joy and praying that it could be “just Him and me again.” He would send another test, and I would leave my God who chose me for “broken cisterns”.

I walked through one of the darkest valleys when I was 18 after I was rejected by the guy I had hoped to marry and his whole family for a reason still unknown to me. I almost turned to death for escape from the pain. The thick darkness lasted over a year, and in this time, my lifelines were two friends (one of which was James) who pointed me to Him, and Isaiah 40. Eventually however, when enough time had passed, I forgot the pit that God had brought me out of.

I believe the next valley was the worst and the best thing that the Lord has ever walked with me through. Through a dear friend's acknowledgment, realization, and fight with a sin that was sucking life away, my Comforter spoke tenderly to me and drew me to Himself as my only refuge and Salvation.

 

Where I am

 

Now, my story is Exodus 19:4 You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. and

 

Psalm 94:17-19 If the Lord had not been my help,
    my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, “My foot slips,”
    your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
    your consolations cheer my soul.

His faithfulness and grace, despite my own sins and failings that He has shown me and graciously continues to show me are my Treasure. He is becoming more beautiful to me as I walk with my mom, James, Naomi, and others on this journey of knowing Him better!

 

Where I'm going

 

Time and time again, He reminds me that my is He know the plans He has for you, and they are plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. He promises that when I  call upon Him and come and pray to Him, He will hear me and that I will seek Him and find Him, when I seek Him with all my heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13 My future is growth in sanctification and knowing Him.

Hosea 2:16-17,19-23 And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. ..And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord… And I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’; and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”

 

My future is held in His solid promises. And I know He will use the story He has written for me to glorify His name as I tell it here and take it wherever He will lead me in future. I pray that He will send me to the unreached and use me to tell those who are not His people now but were chosen before the creation of the world how beautiful it is to be His and have Him as Mine!