January 29,
2018______________________________________________
Big decisions. Do I go or do I
stay? Which would give me more of you, Jesus?
I came to this school to get
more of you. Shall I leave this semester or for good to have more still? Your
plans are not making sense. How am I to read all of this?
As I was flipping through the
Bible today, I came across many Scriptures that had been underlined. The first
I came across made me cry. Psalm 42 was reading me. I
was looking into the mirror and seeing myself. God was putting words on my
deepest feelings.
"When
can I go and meet with God?" Had I not been feeling that for the past few
days? Unlike any other time, I think in my life, I am just so overwhelmed with
a hunger for truth, a hunger to know Him, really know Him. I
am hungry -- insatiably. And yet, when I meet Him in the morning, I feel my
hour and 20 minutes is taken up getting warmed up. I want to have more than
that every day. I want to really dig deeper in His word. I want to learn how
to dig deeper in His word. I want someone to teach me. I want to spend my days
sitting in His presence and drinking Him in. I don't know how to think about
this, but I feel that even my Bible school is distracting me from Him, taking
me away from His presence. My heart is not in my work -- I feel I leave my
heart at His feet when I walk out the door to go to class.
I
realize that He says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as
working for the Lord and not for men, since you know you will receive an
inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Jesus Christ you are
serving" (Colossians 3:23-24). But how -- someone tell me
how -- am I supposed to work with all my heart at something I have little desire
to do? How do I know whether the lack of desire is my sinful nature or if it is
God telling my soul that I truly need more of directly Him? When a person is
sick, they don't ask someone else to go to the doctor for them. No, that would
be absurd. They go themselves. What if I would get most direct healing from
sitting at His feet for hours a day in His Word, prayer, and placing myself
under the faucet of truth in sermons and articles that would speak truth to my
situation directly? Then, what if I had an outlet of work or volunteer in which
I had contact with non-believers that I could pour this love out onto? Then, in
the coming semesters, I would be able to sustain these relationships I had
started building so that my bubble was not all Bethlehem. Hmm.
God,
what is the answer?
What
is stopping you from choosing dropping, right now? Good question. I think part
of it is the uncertainty of implications for schooling in the next year,
unwanted delay, and not knowing whether it is me escaping. This can be solved
by hammering out the details with Travis and asking God if the delay is
necessary to be patient through. I know the reason I don't want the delay is
because it will mean that much farther from going overseas or figuring out what
that looks like, and that much farther from settling down with a husband... not
that there is anyone on the horizon now other than Wishful Thinking, and not
that God couldn't bring someone along before then. But also, I don't know what
His plan is as far as time line or whether I should even get married... also
the fact that my dad is not convinced yet is huge. If he has a reason for not
being convinced, there may be validity in it. Or is it just that I haven't
explained myself well?
Apply:
Talk to Travis & ask God to search my heart and de-weed it of escapism that
is not escaping into Him & wait for Kirsten and Barb to talk to my dad.
What
is stopping you from choosing staying in the school as is? Why not just stay
and stick it out? Hm, another good question. You're good at this. I think what
is stopping me is that if there is a way to get unstuck while I am investing so
much time in school, I haven't found it yet. I am SO hungry for the Word, I
don't want to leave His presence in the mornings. In fact, I am scared to. I am
scared to go to class. He always helps me, but I always feel so far from Him in
class, especially Missions. I feel I cannot breathe easy again until after I am
out and can be with God. Almost like the classroom is devoid of Him, a cage in
which I cannot feel His presence.
Why
is that?... That troubles me and yet I don't know how to find answers. Maybe
time would help and someone exploring it with me? I have not asked anyone
because as soon as I am done with class I escape to my house, away from that
feeling of far-ness from my God, away from that dreaded place that I must go
back to in a few days. And yet it is not nearly as dreaded as it was last
semester. Is it getting better? Or will it get worse...?
Either
way, I am SO hungry for Truth, like I have been starved all semester. I want to
read the Bible. I want someone to teach me how to read by reading it with me.
I'm tired of being given fish that others catch but when it comes to me fishing
for myself, I don't always know if I'm doing it right. I want a mentor who will
spend intentional time each week to disciple me in reading and finding other
truth for my heart's problems and knowing how to discern how God wants me to
heal.
Another
reason I would rather not stay is honestly, the presentations. I have 6 this
semester, and I am quite terrified of them. I realize I am more terrified than
I should be. While I don't want to make a decision out of fear, I also wonder
whether it might be worth spending intentional time digging into this and
seeing where my view of myself in God's eyes has gone seriously wrong and why
presenting in front of others is the absolute last thing I want to do this
semester, even though I had 4 presentations last semester and it seemed to help
me get over my fear. I feel more afraid this time. Is this a fear I should push
through or dig underneath so that it is easier to push through later?
February
1___________________________________
In
the past few days, I have to admit that I have felt a strong call in my very
soul. I think what I'm sensing is a call to be with Him more. It is very strong
and I am beginning to feel that God is calling me away form the busy everyday
life to come away with him on a three-day trip in the wilderness in order to
sacrifice my idols. I feel that it is mine to say to my school, "Stay here
while I and my idols go over there. I will worship and then I will come back to
you, alone."
Or
it is like 2 Chronicles 15:8. "...he took courage. He removed the
detestable idols from the whole land of Judah and Benjamin and from the towns
he had captured in the hills of Ephraim. He repaired the altar of the LORD that
was in front of the portico of the LORD's temple." Only this is me.
"And she took courage. She removed the detestable idols from the land of
her heart, from the deepest corners that the LORD had captured in the darkness.
She repaired the altar of the LORD that was once on the forefront of the temple
of her mind."
I
feel Jesus calling me, almost as strongly as I felt Him calling me to this
school, I feel him calling me away... for a time.
Yesterday,
in chapel, Dr. DeRouchie said a few words that really caught my attention. He
was taking about the fear of the Lord and what gets in the way. But as he said
four sentences in particular, I felt God gently saying, "You should write
this down. This is for you." I quickly wrote it down. DeRouchie said,
"Feel your dependence on God, your neediness, and run to it. This is for
your good that it may go well with you in the future. This is about love. This is
because He loves you." I had asked Him to speak to me through chapel, and
I felt that He had. If He wanted me to run toward my dependence on Him and not
away from it, what did that mean for the rest of my life? What would running
toward that dependence look like? I didn't know, but I felt Him calling
me.
Exodus
34:14 says, "For you will worship no other God; for the LORD, whose name
is Jealous, is a jealous God." If He is jealous for His children, will he
not do anything it takes to tear down the idols in their hearts and lead them
to seeing that He is not in His rightful place on the throne of their hearts? I
believe that's what this is about. It is about love. He is doing this
because He loves me. It may not come at an opportune time, humanly speaking,
but does His discipline ever? Maybe a better question... does my sin
ever?
What
will embracing my dependence on Him look like? I have been thinking about this
for the past few days. I feel He has given me some ideas.
1)
He has put in me a deep hunger, beyond any I remember having before, to read
His Word, for the first time with enlightened eyes that see Him as worthy of my
life. I want to do this with a mentor who can answer any questions I have and
teach me how to fish so that I can read the Bible better on my own.
2)
Along with this, He reminded me that the Bible Project has videos about each of
the books in the Bible that I can watch to gain more of an understanding for
each of them. Maybe watching them all for a flyover would be helpful before I
dive into each one more deeply.
3)
The author of one of my Missions books said, "Experience without
reflection is not necessarily educational." This leads me to believe that
making it a point to journal intentionally and much in this season as I reflect
on what God has done in my life at BCS so far, and is doing in this season now
will be helpful and life-giving. A lot of my life has not made sense lately. I
know God is a purpose-Giver, and I want to find out what his purposes
are.
4)
I want to specifically address in prayer and journaling questions that will
help me in life after this season of reflection such as, "Why do I not
feel God's presence in class? Is it because He is calling me away from this
school? Is it my own sin? Is it something else?" "How has my past relationship gotten his place back so high on the throne of my heart? What will it take for
me to surrender him fully?" "What does it look like to
fear the LORD, really fear Him?"
5)
I want to establish healthy social patterns. I want to be more intentional
about friendships, re-starting the prayer group I was part of last semester,
re-starting the weekly singing times with my friend, re-starting a regular
study night or at least once a week where I know I will study with people and I
can look forward to it, and at least once a week where I will just
intentionally have fun and let myself wonder at life.
6)
Apply for the Nurture program -- finally! And begin to intentionally read the
books they assign. This is all on my own time, so I can take time and soak it
all in!
7)
Seek counsel on the Degree Completion Program, whether that would be a better
fit, whether I should complete my time in my program first and go on to
Master's, or if God has another plan... and pray... what does God want
me to do?
8)
Seek counsel and pray about whether to join Sam Choi's church... Set up meeting
with Sam and his wife? Find out about how I can join their Sunday night
intentional groups to see what their vision for their church is like.
I think God has been breaking
me down in the past year and a half at BCS. And now I feel a strong call. He
wants to bind me back up. He has been continually ripping away my idols from my
hands, relationships I put too much hope in, the life of a friend, my
grandpa... to show me the weakness and frailness and uncertainty of life; the
hope I put into a past relationship, the longing I had to be loved by someone else in the emptiness I felt after him. He has been showing me the
emptiness of my broken cisterns in the desert and has been leading me to His
oasis that never runs dry, that I may learn again to treasure
Him and how much He loves me.
"Therefore I am not going
to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There
I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of [Trouble] a
door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day
she came up out of Egypt. 'In that day,' declares the LORD, 'I will remove the
names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked."
Hosea 2:14-17
"Come, let us return to
the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal is; he has injured us but
he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day
he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us know, let us press
on to know the LORD. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come
to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
Hosea 6:1-3
I have been in the desert so
long. I have been fighting heavy war with the Enemy for so long... I'm tired.
My Savior says his yoke is easy and his burden is light. He promises rest for
my weary soul. Whenever I think of school, I realize that, more than anything,
in this season, instead of the education pointing me to God, I
actually feel it is distracting me from Him. Why? I need to
find out. I want to weed out anything that is distracting me. If I am hungry, I
MUST run after Him, while the Spirit yet speaks! Far be it from me to quench
Him till I can hear Him no longer... even if that means putting on pause what I
felt He called me to do to begin with...
God, I don't know what you are
doing. I don't know what to think. I don't know what I will do after the
summer. I just know that BCS is not what I expected, that I am hungry for more
of YOU, for more classes where I am taught to read the Bible and open it more
in class apart from devotionals. I came for the foundation under my feet so that
when I go through hard times, what I learn about God in class will
actually strengthen me instead of be an extra burden. Maybe
You are calling me away, to get Your perspective on it all to prepare me for a
change in direction. But even if it is simply to heal me and give me more of
You, I want to trust you know what You're doing.
I will follow. I will walk by
faith. Just hold my hand.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1Ljl32SqRc
"Throne Room"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeXtXYantIc
"Linger"
