You were the first who let me see
There could be someone else,
You gave me a window into the potential
But now, how can I put you to rest?
He has given me a gift in you
A gift of a brother
But I feel so ungrateful
Because that is not the gift I wanted
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me
I watch you and I see your heart
One that He has broken to make it beautiful
And I love the beautiful that He has made
You challenge me to live and love well
I could follow someone like you to forever
Now when I see you I know I can only think
Of what I could not gain that I have already lost
And you don't know what you do to me
But it is something I can never divulge
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me
How do I grieve what I have not had?
And yet, I feel the need to grieve you
Though I have not lost our friendship
I have lost the hope that I put into its future
Were you another crutch I put my hope in?
Another thing in which I found joy?
And now God takes you away to show me He is all I need
I pray that you can glorify God with her
Or this too could be a lesson I am learning at your expense
You are such a good friend
I did not have a category for someone so nice
I had so many assumptions
And began to believe attractive lies
Oh, friend. You are a severe blessing to me
Please, I am fragile; just be gentle
My heart can't take too much of you
Please, I am weak; don't care so much
I will pray from afar and learn to love differently
The creation that is you
Is one that God called good and His
He has a plan for you that is for your good
If that plan is with someone else
He still does not withhold good from me
Oh, friend. Though you know it not
You are a severe blessing to me
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Light in Darkness
Entry #3 on Doctrine Day
These thoughts came to my mind as I sat in class and listened to my professors and listened to the questions of others. It was like in that hour and 50 minutes I heard God and felt him closer than in the rest of the day so far. Funny... It just struck me now as I was writing that that in the darkest time of my day, He shows His light to me most... Hmm, how incredibly kind.
When I was thinking about one of my classmates asking me how I was doing earlier and not following up, I was tempted to feel kind of bitter. But then God, perhaps as an admonition brought this thought into my mind: "You see value in people in their works, how nice they are. But what about my work done for them?" I wrote this down and thought, yes, I am thinking of these people as less because I see them working so hard with not as many struggles as I have and I just think they are robots. What kind of human is like this? Then this leads to a downward spiral of thinking less of them as human beings, as God's children. This is so wrong...
Then I thought, what is the common denominator between all the people in class that I don't like? That I look down on? It was as if I felt God say, "Those you don't like are the ones you talk to least." I feel that I have been given a gift to find the humanity in all humans. In several conversations I have a tendency to find what is hard for them, something that I find that we can share. But when I don't talk to people, I am unable to find these things.
Another thought I had regarding my lack of Bible reading that morning despite the fact that I had skipped class and had an extra hour and a half to read and spend time with my Healer was this: "You don't read the Bible because you don't believe that I will speak to You." He's right. I do believe that he can speak to me. I just don't believe that He will, and that unbelieving sin leads to the sin of inaction in spending time with the only One who can satisfy me.
In regard to the tendency in my thinking to be upset in class because I feel like the small notes on the board don't accurately depict God and tend to be like picking apart the parts of a fire in a way in which the fire can't burn any more afterwards. And I want God's glory to burn for all it's worth in my heart! But I felt Him saying, "You are not looking at me on the board, just a representation to help you understand a bigger reality." This helped because I found the kindness of the statement led me to repentance at my anger at the inanimate object of the writing on the board.
God then brought back the thought of why I don't like some of my classmates. It was as if he said, "What you need is to see is why I love them. God, please show me. Show me that their value, just like mine, is in You and You alone. And because You never change, Your value never does, and therefore, theirs does not either.
Then my mind drifted to all the work that I did not want to do. I felt comfort in the thought: "I am able to give you strength for what you don't want to do." That dispelled the lie that I couldn't do it.
I then thought about how I do my homework and how I have high expectations for myself and how I play to the tune of the professors as well. I felt Him say, "Even in doing your homework, you are trying to please man. How can you please me?" God, I want to please You and for that to be my goal. But please, show me how I can do that.
I also was hit with the joyful but painful realization that a prayer I had prayed with a friend while in Texas over spring break was answered. It was the prayer that God would help me not to read into things with a guy here because I was fairly sure he just wanted to be a brother in Christ, and I told myself that I wanted only that too. But when he told me and another friend just before break ended that he was praying about talking to a girl about pursuing her and then had that conversation with her, I was crushed. He had given me hope, not on purpose, but it was there. As I sat there in class, I lifted up a frustrated, almost angry cry to God: "You've given me a gift of a brother when I wanted something more." But it is a gift. This is my crucible. He is taking away literally all that I take joy in. This is a severe blessing.
These thoughts came to my mind as I sat in class and listened to my professors and listened to the questions of others. It was like in that hour and 50 minutes I heard God and felt him closer than in the rest of the day so far. Funny... It just struck me now as I was writing that that in the darkest time of my day, He shows His light to me most... Hmm, how incredibly kind.
When I was thinking about one of my classmates asking me how I was doing earlier and not following up, I was tempted to feel kind of bitter. But then God, perhaps as an admonition brought this thought into my mind: "You see value in people in their works, how nice they are. But what about my work done for them?" I wrote this down and thought, yes, I am thinking of these people as less because I see them working so hard with not as many struggles as I have and I just think they are robots. What kind of human is like this? Then this leads to a downward spiral of thinking less of them as human beings, as God's children. This is so wrong...
Then I thought, what is the common denominator between all the people in class that I don't like? That I look down on? It was as if I felt God say, "Those you don't like are the ones you talk to least." I feel that I have been given a gift to find the humanity in all humans. In several conversations I have a tendency to find what is hard for them, something that I find that we can share. But when I don't talk to people, I am unable to find these things.
Another thought I had regarding my lack of Bible reading that morning despite the fact that I had skipped class and had an extra hour and a half to read and spend time with my Healer was this: "You don't read the Bible because you don't believe that I will speak to You." He's right. I do believe that he can speak to me. I just don't believe that He will, and that unbelieving sin leads to the sin of inaction in spending time with the only One who can satisfy me.
In regard to the tendency in my thinking to be upset in class because I feel like the small notes on the board don't accurately depict God and tend to be like picking apart the parts of a fire in a way in which the fire can't burn any more afterwards. And I want God's glory to burn for all it's worth in my heart! But I felt Him saying, "You are not looking at me on the board, just a representation to help you understand a bigger reality." This helped because I found the kindness of the statement led me to repentance at my anger at the inanimate object of the writing on the board.
God then brought back the thought of why I don't like some of my classmates. It was as if he said, "What you need is to see is why I love them. God, please show me. Show me that their value, just like mine, is in You and You alone. And because You never change, Your value never does, and therefore, theirs does not either.
Then my mind drifted to all the work that I did not want to do. I felt comfort in the thought: "I am able to give you strength for what you don't want to do." That dispelled the lie that I couldn't do it.
I then thought about how I do my homework and how I have high expectations for myself and how I play to the tune of the professors as well. I felt Him say, "Even in doing your homework, you are trying to please man. How can you please me?" God, I want to please You and for that to be my goal. But please, show me how I can do that.
I also was hit with the joyful but painful realization that a prayer I had prayed with a friend while in Texas over spring break was answered. It was the prayer that God would help me not to read into things with a guy here because I was fairly sure he just wanted to be a brother in Christ, and I told myself that I wanted only that too. But when he told me and another friend just before break ended that he was praying about talking to a girl about pursuing her and then had that conversation with her, I was crushed. He had given me hope, not on purpose, but it was there. As I sat there in class, I lifted up a frustrated, almost angry cry to God: "You've given me a gift of a brother when I wanted something more." But it is a gift. This is my crucible. He is taking away literally all that I take joy in. This is a severe blessing.
Into Your Hands, I Commit My Grief...
Could it be that after all this time I may have to drop a class? Has it come down to this? Maybe it's hard because I know I need to face my humanity. But it's hard when others around me are not needing this kind of release.
God, I pray that tomorrow, in each talk with my professors (or whenever I have them) that You will make Your will crystal clear to me as far as what work I can let go and just keep moving ahead and what work, if any I should cut all together and drop from. Father, please allow my professors to be gracious in understanding, and also to ask questions if anything is unclear so that unnecessary assumptions won't be made that will hurt communication in the end.
You promise that You will never give us more than we can handle but that in the temptation you will provide a way out so that we can stand up under it. Right now I am being tempted to despair and let discouragement paralyze me. Please give me a way out, and I will take it. Would You open my eyes to see that way out because right now it's hard to recognize the gifts You give me from the things Satan is trying to twist to His own ends.
I know all of this is in Your hands... my academics, my professor's hearts, my homework, every morning I wake up to, my future, my joy. I just want to keep putting it back there where it belongs because I tend to want to take things out of Your hands and then despair that You are not good, when in reality, I am just trying to see truth through a cloud of unbelief. It doesn't work.
God, I pray that tomorrow, in each talk with my professors (or whenever I have them) that You will make Your will crystal clear to me as far as what work I can let go and just keep moving ahead and what work, if any I should cut all together and drop from. Father, please allow my professors to be gracious in understanding, and also to ask questions if anything is unclear so that unnecessary assumptions won't be made that will hurt communication in the end.
You promise that You will never give us more than we can handle but that in the temptation you will provide a way out so that we can stand up under it. Right now I am being tempted to despair and let discouragement paralyze me. Please give me a way out, and I will take it. Would You open my eyes to see that way out because right now it's hard to recognize the gifts You give me from the things Satan is trying to twist to His own ends.
I know all of this is in Your hands... my academics, my professor's hearts, my homework, every morning I wake up to, my future, my joy. I just want to keep putting it back there where it belongs because I tend to want to take things out of Your hands and then despair that You are not good, when in reality, I am just trying to see truth through a cloud of unbelief. It doesn't work.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Why Are You Downcast?
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in GOD, for I will yet praise him. My Savior and my God.
Father, I must speak these anxieties because I have them. I must not hide them from you. You know me better than anyone, and you know that I need you. You know my heart and what I feel. You know why I feel. You know my inward parts right now. Father, I beg you, take these feelings away.
What am I to do? Father, I beg you, PLEASE. Come to my aid. I don't want to cry in front of these friends. I don't want to be that vulnerable. I feel already the temptation to compare myself with Julia and other girls that are "prettier" and I think that are more attractive in the eyes of men. I want to be attractive in the eyes of men, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be loved, truly loved for who I am and not for what I appear. Father, would you show me that i am truly loved by You? Would you show me my value. I think I need to cry.... I think I need to let it all out. But I can't. I'm with two brothers. I can't show my vulnerability here... Father, grant me wisdom. By my comfort and source of joyful strength. I need you so badly.
Father, I must speak these anxieties because I have them. I must not hide them from you. You know me better than anyone, and you know that I need you. You know my heart and what I feel. You know why I feel. You know my inward parts right now. Father, I beg you, take these feelings away.
What am I to do? Father, I beg you, PLEASE. Come to my aid. I don't want to cry in front of these friends. I don't want to be that vulnerable. I feel already the temptation to compare myself with Julia and other girls that are "prettier" and I think that are more attractive in the eyes of men. I want to be attractive in the eyes of men, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be loved, truly loved for who I am and not for what I appear. Father, would you show me that i am truly loved by You? Would you show me my value. I think I need to cry.... I think I need to let it all out. But I can't. I'm with two brothers. I can't show my vulnerability here... Father, grant me wisdom. By my comfort and source of joyful strength. I need you so badly.
Friday, March 3, 2017
What I Am Longing For
I wake up in the mornings not wanting to see the light of day, wishing I could stay under the covers one more hour. I hit snooze for 10 minutes and wake up a second time feeling the same thing. This may happen a few times before I actually find the mental strength to get out of bed. What is this? I am normally glad to be alive... I think of class and my mind races ahead to what's in store for that day, and I just... don't want to face it. I know that I will be confronted with my own sinful heart in the classroom as I realize the thoughts I am thinking of others. I know the feelings I will get toward my homework which consistently fall so short of the glory of God. I know that my deep heart's longings won't be met in the classroom or afterwards. I know that out of my bed is the last place I want to be. The sheets and comforter seem much more appealing than anything the world has to offer.
I want something, and this strongly. I want someone who will be with me all the time, do homework with me, walk with me to school, someone whose love and affection I know I have without having to fight for it, someone who knows they have mine. I want someone who is faithful and true, who won't leave my side for something better that shows itself on their radar, someone whose word I can trust. I would say this perfectly describes Jesus, except that it is an actual person whom I can see that I long for. Someone whose arm I can feel on my shoulder when times are hard, who I don't have to imagine having some day in heaven. I don't really know if who I'm longing for is a real person... The idea that what I most want is not even a realistic desire cuts deep and makes the depression bleed more. Jesus, why can You not fill this longing I have? And since you can't, does that mean it is idolatrous? Oh, may it not be so... I know not what else to long for sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, this past month has made me long for heaven in a way I didn't know was earthly possible or at least somewhere in the back of my mind hoped it wasn't. This is because it is the kind of longing that only culminates in having the joy you long for, and the thought that the time at which I will finally be there and see Him is unknown is simply unbearable. It is the kind of longing pictured when you miss the one you love most dearly yet are not able to be with them because they are an ocean away. The only hope one has at that point is to look forward with great anticipation to the day when you will finally be with them again, and you count the days. This is what my heart feels when I long to see Jesus, and yet there are no days to count. I am simply left with the empty longing, it seems.
I want something, and this strongly. I want someone who will be with me all the time, do homework with me, walk with me to school, someone whose love and affection I know I have without having to fight for it, someone who knows they have mine. I want someone who is faithful and true, who won't leave my side for something better that shows itself on their radar, someone whose word I can trust. I would say this perfectly describes Jesus, except that it is an actual person whom I can see that I long for. Someone whose arm I can feel on my shoulder when times are hard, who I don't have to imagine having some day in heaven. I don't really know if who I'm longing for is a real person... The idea that what I most want is not even a realistic desire cuts deep and makes the depression bleed more. Jesus, why can You not fill this longing I have? And since you can't, does that mean it is idolatrous? Oh, may it not be so... I know not what else to long for sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, this past month has made me long for heaven in a way I didn't know was earthly possible or at least somewhere in the back of my mind hoped it wasn't. This is because it is the kind of longing that only culminates in having the joy you long for, and the thought that the time at which I will finally be there and see Him is unknown is simply unbearable. It is the kind of longing pictured when you miss the one you love most dearly yet are not able to be with them because they are an ocean away. The only hope one has at that point is to look forward with great anticipation to the day when you will finally be with them again, and you count the days. This is what my heart feels when I long to see Jesus, and yet there are no days to count. I am simply left with the empty longing, it seems.
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