Lack of Good or Good in the Lack

I often think of surrender as a one time thing... that is, until I have surrendered something and feel it coming back to haunt me. As many times as it takes to surrender, I will, until these stubborn feelings remain in Your hands and Yours alone. God, I have given this to You before. Would You keep them in Your hands? I know You are not the One letting go; I am the one taking them back. But I don't want them... why would I take them back? Oh my heart, even I don't understand! But You know all things, even the depths of my deceptive heart. And yet, You love. Despite me, You love!

And because You love, no good thing do You withhold from me. Help me believe this. Would You be pleased to show me the good gifts that You are giving me and let my eyes be unblinded, for right now I only see what seems to be withheld. But since I know that You do not withhold good from Your children is a fact, I want to see the good in lack or the good in the gift that is now, to me, invisible.

Do Not Lose Heart in Your Surrender

As you sit there, I put you before the throne of God. As you go about your every day, I lay you at His feet, trusting that He is doing something good and that He has something better for me if He is not giving me you.

"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." He is GOOD! Oh my soul, do not believe the lie that says otherwise!

Do not believe the devil when he wants to make you believe your God does not see your pain. He sees; He knows it better than you yourself, and He is in the process of refining you as gold.

Speak, Oh my soul! Tell of the goodness of the Lord! You must speak truth back to the lies if you are to fight well. And if you do not fight well, you will be carried along in their torrent and cease to believe that all this pain has a purpose.

Oh my soul, this pain has a purpose! He is not letting you go! On the contrary, He is preparing you as a beautiful Bride dressed for Himself in His righteousness and His alone!

Do not lose heart, dear heart...

He Will Come Like Rain

It's raining, and the smell of wet earth wafts in the open window. Oh Jesus, You are good to me. I haven't smelled that smell in so long. As the dark storm clouds gather, I think of everything that comes with rain... wind, clouds, darkness. I think I am finally starting to appreciate the severity of this past semester, the wind of lies that would seek to shake me, the clouds of doubt that ultimately God is not good, and the darkness of despair and then apathy.

Father, I think I am finally starting to see that when I asked to be more like You, I was asking for this. You answered. When I asked You to show me my sin, I didn't know I was asking to see it every day, in every class, with every person I interact with. But this is what I needed because this is how You answered. When I asked You to humble me, I didn't know I was asking for such dark doubts and strong lies that would lead to crippling insecurities that would drain some of my ugly pride. But this is what I needed because this is how You answered. When I asked for suffering, I didn't realize it would mean my grandpa dying. I didn't realize it would mean such deep grief and seeing my hope in this world fade away. But I see this is what I needed because this is how You answered...

Yet the storm has scared me into hiding. The wind of lies has pushed me off my feet until I was stumbling. The clouds of doubt have overtaken me and I have lost my way in the fog, looking for the Light. The darkness of despair has overwhelmed me and I have hidden in a darkness of my own. The storm has scared me into hiding, and I confess I have not stretched my hands out to the rain in acceptance of it. I have said, "Father, let this cup pass from me. Please do my will because I cannot bear for Yours to be done."

But Father, You promised that no temptation will seize me beyond what I can bear, even the temptation to remain discouraged. You say that in the temptation You will provide a way out so that I can stand up under it! (1 Corinthians 10:13). Oh, show me that way. You have promised that you You do not withhold any good thing from those who walk with You (Psalm 84:11). Help me cling to this truth for dear life!

Jesus, in the last few months, I have longed to see Your face in such a way that I have lost sight of my Joy in this life. Every day, I long for Heaven. Almost every day, You have heard my plea, "Jesus, won't You please come soon?" I long to see You like one would long to see the one they love when they are countries away. There's an aching in my chest, an emptiness that longs to be filled. Why can't I see You today, in all Your glory? I long to have Your hand wipe away my every tear as You have promised to do, and show me the bottle You have kept of all my sorrows that You had a purpose for. I long to run on the streets of gold, to sit with You by the shining sea and cling to Your garment in worship as You whisper to me what I already know: "I AM more than enough for You."

Oh, Jesus, but do I long for these things so deeply because I do not believe this now? Is this longing because I miss You? Do I long for these things like this because it is I who have deprived myself of time with You, leting the worries and darkness of this life choke the Light You have shined upon me... Has the cry of my heart, "Lord, how long?" been answered by Your words, "Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"?

Oh, Father, forgive my lack of joy in Your presence NOW, on earth as it will be in heaven. Forgive my lack of belief in precious truths I have had at my fingertips. Forgive me for my despair and doubts and discouragement in which I have chosen to see the waves around me as more powerful than Your hand that reaches out to help me walk on water...

Now, as I see the wind slowing, the clouds receding, the darkness lifting, I see the Son shine through the droplets of rain. I see the Son illuminating the pain and giving me a new perspective. There is beauty in the pain; it was not... it is NOT meaningless. 

Oh Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

I realize now I couldn't have the rain without the storm. I can't have the blessing of Your presence without seeing all else pail in comparison to You. Jesus, You have come like rain to me in all the severeness of this blessing. And now You give me the grace to say, "Thank You."

I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need

"Though You Slay Me" Shane & Shane

Oh my soul: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us know the LORD; let us press on to know him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3