When Giving Up Is All We Want

Have you ever gotten to a point in life where you are just tired--tired of the frailties, the heartache, the sin in this life; tired of chasing after something and then seeing it slip through your fingers, tired of drinking out of broken cisterns,  just tired of being tired?

I'll be honest. That's where I am... again. I went through this stage a while ago when the heartaches happened, and now I'm here again, if nothing else, because they remain unresolved. It seems that no one but me still needs closure. Some people break other people's hearts, even have their own hearts broken and then just keep living like nothing happened. I will never understand this.

I need closure.

I need to be able to close a chapter in my life before I open a new one. If I don't, I live with the vain hope that I will be able to go back to that chapter, no matter how impossible I know that is.

But one thing I've learned from living is that sometimes, you have to leave one chapter unresolved when you go into the next. Sometimes you just have to trust the One who writes the book and leave it at that. And sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is the Peace that you pray for Him to give you every day. Even when that Peace doesn't come, you keep living. You keep living because you know that's what He wants you to do. What kind of witness would it be if you gave up on the life that He gave you?

And on those days where all you want to do is give up, to end this miserable life and have rest from it all, you pray with every fiber in your being that He will keep you strong. All of us know that without God, we could not live. But for some of us, this knowledge is closer to home.... because we feel it every day.

Every day, we get up and feel our need for Him and we know He's there because without Him, we wouldn't still be alive. We are living proof that HE IS REAL.  And we cling to His reality the way some cling to their lives because for us, He IS Life.

By Renee M. Coyer
http://www.creativeheartsforthee.com/renees-art-work.html

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Strong Arms

Everyone needs a hug once in a while. But when things are going on in your life that you just aren't sure about and you don't know how they could possibly turn out for the better, you need something more. Right now, I feel like I need Someone strong to hold me.

I have been held in the past... a long time ago. But the strength in those arms was meaningless. That strength couldn't really protect me, couldn't really make everything better; that strength had no control. Yet I was desperate to feel safe. So desperate I settled for a false sense of security. 

I know I have looked for security in the wrong places, and yet it seems that I can't help but keep looking there. I don't know how many times I have wished that Jesus would wrap me up in his arms and let me cry in His lap. If I had one wish, I would ask for nothing more. There's something about being held in physical arms that nothing can compare to. But I know I won't get that privilege until I'm in Heaven. 

His perfect Peace will have to be what I rest in until then.

Songs I can Relate To: "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North (Love Letter)

Love letters are not written as much as they used to be, which is a shame. But when they are, they are that much more special. Think about the person you love most sending you a love letter. That would most likely be the best thing you have ever received, wouldn't it?

This song is a love letter written from God's perspective. Now he didn't say these exact words in the Bible, but this song is full of Bible truths! Jesus is asking us as His bride to be faithful to Him, to give Him all of our troubles and to not go looking for other "lovers" to satisfy.

Every time I listen to this song, I imagine Jesus standing in front of me with arms held out, ready to take me back even after all of my unfaithfulness to Him. His Love. Is. AMAZING!

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need

And give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me, yeah

You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need

I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to me, yeah

You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me, yeah

You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life

You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery.

"Beloved"
Tenth Avenue North
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk‎

Songs I Can Relate To: "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

I would like to just come right out and say that trusting God is hard. It's something that we as humans have to struggle with because we would love to be in control of our own lives. (Thankfully we are not though!)

This is a song that I have been able to identify with over the past few months. It's a beautiful prayer that touches me somewhere deep inside every time I hear it. It's called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

Looking Into the Eyes of the Past

When I look into this face, a smile is in those eyes. But it's not a smile meant for me. This is a smile meant for another.

If I were to truly look into this face, and not into a picture frame, I know I would see something completely different. Maybe I would see an empty stare with empty eyes that seem to gaze past me. Or maybe I would see the hardened expression from a broken heart past forgotten. Either way, these eyes would not hold the same loving expression they do now.

If I look into these eyes long enough, all the memories come flooding back -- memories of our past friendship, memories of good times together, memories of the care-free days.... and I am left to wonder, what changed?

So many emotions overwhelm me when this face is put before me. This face, to me, is a past unresolved, a chapter not yet completed, a tragic story with no real ending. I have written a thousand words, cried a thousand tears over this face... and yet... I still feel the same. Empty. Always looking for a substitute to fill his place.

When will this end?

And yet, at the same time, he has not been a part of my life for so long that many things have changed without him. He has been gone so long that he can no longer claim he knows me -- nor I him. And because of that, even if he did come back into my life now, I am not sure what I would do  because I know we cannot just start where we left off. Even if we could, I don't know that I would want to. Part of me wants to hold on to a bitterness against him... a bitterness for his walking out of my life, a bitterness for his leaving me alone after all those promises that he would never do such a thing. So honestly, I don't know where I stand anymore. I guess somewhere in the middle between wanting him back and keeping him as far away from me as possible.

These eyes that used to say everything so clearly, that once revealed to me the secrets of the universe are now clouded over and dim. He is a stranger once again, and who knows whether he will ever be anything more than a thing of the past.

"Love Does Not Envy..."

Today, at MK, we continued our talk on love. Three weeks ago, we talked about how love is patient and how we can model that. Then we talked love's kindness, and today we talked about how love does not envy. Caleb is taking all of these lessons from 1 Corinthians 13, the chapter on LOVE.

What really hit home for me was when Caleb talked about how he had been envious of his best friend, Jordan for years. Jordan had always been the popular, outgoing, charismatic favorite of everyone who knew him, and Caleb told us how he struggled with wanting what Jordan had. 

I could relate to everything he was saying because for almost 11 years now, I have been envious of my best friend. (We'll call her Bella to protect the innocent.) My envy of Bella has little by little destroyed our relationship over the years. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, but looking back I see that it is the reason we are no longer best friends anymore. Bella is still in the dark about the whole thing. I never told her that I was envious of her because of how pretty she was, the self-confidence she possesses, or her popularity. I was too afraid that if I told her, she would agree with me and realize that I was her inferior and not want to be friends with me anymore. So I have kept it all inside, buried deep among the skeletons in my closet, afraid to let anyone know. 

I have tried everything over the years to get rid of my envy. I have tried telling a friend of my struggle, praying for help not to be jealous... I even tried praying for Bella because I knew that no matter how perfect her life looked on the inside, she had many problems of her own. While all these things may have curbed my jealousy a little,they did not get completely rid of it. So when I heard Caleb's "secret" to getting rid of his jealousy of Jordan, I listened. 

Caleb said that what was at the heart of his jealousy (and probably all others too) was his priorities. He was jealous of Jordan's popularity because he wanted to be popular in the world's eyes. He was jealous of his outgoing nature because everyone loves that kind of personality. And he was jealous of his charisma because it inspired devotion of some kind in others. Basically, it all boiled down to the fact that his priority was how he would look in the eyes of others. This hit me like a knife in the side because I realized for the first time, this priority was the root cause of my jealousy for Bella as well. 

Lord, please change my priorities. In my head, I know that You are enough and that I don't need respect or praise from man. Let me live that out in my life as well.

Introduction to Secrets of the Journey

So I finally decided to start a blog.  

Over the years I've always kept a diary or journal of some sort, but what I write there has always been a secret. I think it's now time to let some of those secrets out. Some things need to be known by others. Not everything can be kept to oneself. 

It's kinda like love. If you love someone but never tell them how you feel or act on it in any way, what good is that love? Can it even be called love? The very definition of love includes acting upon it. I could go on and on about that, but the point is that just like someone in love cannot keep their love hidden away, I can no longer keep these secrets locked up inside. 

This marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Today, the secrets of my life's journey are yours as well. We all go through hard times in life, so what's the point of going through them alone? God made us relational creatures. It always helps to know someone else is going through the hard times with you. 

In the past, I have kept so much inside and little by little have found that it leads to depression, anxiety, and desperation. I can no longer do this. From now on, I am opening the window into my life. Let these secrets no longer be mine.