Deep in His Wounds

You are so
Deep in the wounds that bury you
They cover you
Till you can't see the sky
Enveloping
The light that was given you
Surrounding you
From darkness you can't seem to hide

All you see
Is an imaginary slit of light
That was in your sight
Before the wound closed over you
Now it's clear
The darkness is not right
But if you cannot hide
Then what is there to do?

Watching you
They see more of the reality
Surrounding pieces
That makes sense of this darkness
But they watch
From above the fray; they're free
From pain you feel in 3D
Their view is wider, but two dimensions

From above
You're standing in the wound
Surrounded by good
It's so close they can almost taste it
From below
All you see are the walls of pain
Screaming your name
And thoughts of apparent good seem distant

It's okay
If you can't stop the tears
The Light is also here
These are His wounds you're standing in
You thought He
Left with the memory
Of that slit of light you see
When you saw the darkness closing in

He is the
Wound that's holding you
His light is pointing you
Down painful paths you'd not be trav'ling
If walls of
Pain hadn't closed in on you
Divinely guiding you
To know Him deeper in your suffering

Sing, Oh My Soul: Songs from the Depths

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Psalm 46:1-3

~~~~~

Tears come easier than sleep because you're still here

Singing, though sometimes not believing, 

That the world will be gone in a billion years

How long, O LORD? How long will this pain last?

How long will brokenness be allowed to exist?

How long will it be till the waves break this mast?

The Lord says He is a shelter, that He is a solid rock

If there was ever a time you'd need to believe

Oh soul, when waves crash you, is this not?

There is Truth in His voice, can you hear the faint sounds?

And if the Truth will set you free, would you choose to drown?

But is it so easy as choice? It's harder to believe that now

You've seen the helpless depths; seen the bitter cries

You've seen the nights of agony and seemingly endless fearful lies

You've plumbed deep wells of sorrow and thought you've had your fill

And yet the cup is given to me as you mouth the words, "Is this Your will?"

No, if this were mere choice, you would have drowned long ago

You know the Savior whose faithful hands still choose to keep you afloat

And if He holds you fast, there is great purpose to your sorrow

If this is your Father's will, oh soul, cling to His promise that it is good

Though the waters roar and foam and mountains quake

Beg him to show you the gift in the "lack" you misunderstood

Beg him to show you He's faithful though you cannot see it now

Beg him to show you his face in the waves in which you'd rather drown

Beg him to let you hear the sweet Truth you once crowned

He is still LORD of your life, this hasn't changed

Even when circumstances break you, He remains the same

Cling to the mast of Truth; your Beloved stands at the helm

Fix your eyes on Him and sing with all the strength you have left

"It is well, it is well with my soul, for He is giving me more grace

It is well, it is well with my soul, and soon I will see His face!

It is well, it is well with my soul. Oh cling to Him until you breath your last

Till a billion years are over and you step into forever 

Through the gates of death it is He who holds you fast"

~~~~~

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I Will Arise

You are my Hope
When winter is long
You send the snow
To strengthen my song*
I'm a seed that is sown
I will grow
But after the cold
You promise new hope

I will arise
I will arise
Though a seed must die
You give it new life

I'm in winter right now
But you say, "patiently wait"
As the farmer sows his seed
And waits for the Day*
My seed is in darkness
Burried under the ground
But You are the Light
In You no darkness is found

So I will arise
I will arise
Oh, I will arise
You are giving me new life
In the dark places

I will arise
Because You are my Light
Oh I will arise
You're giving me new life

My Savior, Defender,
Deliverer rose!
You conquered death's sting
And like a seed in the ground
Your death brought new growth

I will arise
Because You give me new life
I will arise
You're giving me new life

When my winter is dark
Your hope is alive
No grave could control
The Light of Life

You saved us
Delivered us
Your death gave us life
And I will arise
Just as You, my Lord
On the third day

I will arise
Oh, I will arise
In You, I have new life
Though it's dark in the grave

Be patient
Be patient
Like a farmer waits for the seed
Be patient
I will come again
Your life is in me



* "You send the snow to strengthen my song"
This was inspired by a song called "Seasons" by Hillsong Worship`
*"But you say, 'patiently wait'. As the farmer sows his seed, and waits for the Day"
From my findings in my exegesis paper on James 5:7-11. The picture of a farmer planting and waiting is a picture commonly used to refer to the Day of the coming of the Lord.


~~~~~
Inspired by soak time in 1 Corinthians 15, James 5:7-11 for Greek Exegesis paper, and listening to "Seasons" by Hillsong Worship

Silhouette

I am a silhouette

You cannot see my face 

Because I haven't shown it yet

All you see is darkness 

In the shape of Him

All that shows are shadows

When the light has gone dim

I am a silhouette

Not for lack of the Light

Not because His light has left

Though all you see is a dark form

It's in the shape of Him

His Light is around my dark

Waiting for hope's revolution

The Beauty You'll Miss

I speak for those who hurt. I mourn with those who mourn. And I speak for myself.

Please don't try to take my pain from me. You simply can't.
But if you try you put a sheet on a broken leg that will never see a doctor... or healing. Let me face my pain. If you take away the pain, you take away the cross. If you are not willing to sit with me through the pain, your impatience will rob you of seeing the beautiful things I know God will do because of my pain.

Soon the seed that has died will spring into hope. But if you take a way the pain, the silence of death, you unearth that seed -- you cease its growth. Please don't try to cover up my pain. Please just sit with me as I sink deep into the ground, as my spirit dies a little more each day. We both know we will again see the light of day. But friend, can you be okay in the silence, knowing that day may not be today?

As I die and you do too, a beautiful thing will happen -- we will become new. The pain will give birth to fragile life. Then we will get strong enough to burst through the ground and grow taller than we ever were. There's the Son! I've never seen him from so high off the ground. As time passes, we watch and branches form as our death keeps giving birth to what's new. See what He is making!
But only the Sower can give us patience to sit side by side as the pain becomes something beautiful. Will you watch with me at what the Sower will do? Will you sit with me and just be?

What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. And what you sow is not the body that is to be, but a bare kernel, perhaps of wheat or of some other grain...So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power... 1 Corinthians 15:35-37, 42-43

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~


Inspired by "Sower's Song" by Andrew Peterson and soaking time in 1 Corinthians 15

Full When I'm Empty

To fall in love is a beautiful thing

I've done it many times

I've learned there is no love not mixed with sin

But I want the kind that's beautiful in Your eyes

Please don't give me any other

I couldn't handle any other kind

Going forward I don't want to love another

If it's not for love of Jesus in our lives

But if there's a love that hopes in You

If there's a love that gives me wings

On which I can fly nearer to You

And love you more above all things

Then strengthen my heart to wait patiently

And please, give me that gift, I ask, in time

This desert is a training ground

And You say to the the thirsty, "Drink without price."

Don't Let me Go

Don't let me go

I'm walking out onto the water

And my trust is without borders

I only see how much I need you

When pain tears the veil of self-sufficiency 

Don't leave my side

I need courage to start a new day

Love to unleash the fear that grips me

And the salve of Truth to open my eyes

You healed blind men so I know you can heal me

Don't stop the growth

My well has run dry; I'm at the bottom

But I have seen you have more Water

I'm lying here weak, no claim on control

Savior, plunge me in your ocean till I am safe

Lord, give me Life!

I know I will surely die without You

I cling to Hope when I can't feel You

Your wounds are deep enough for me to hide

I am healed when I take refuge in Your waves

Don't let me go

You are the solid Rock I stand on

The Ocean that I drink from

Please tell me You'll never leave me alone

There's nowhere I can go that is without You

Identity That Sings: The Sweet Side of Dying

This week, I feel as though Psalm 116 gives words to my daily walk with God. He is teaching me more of my identity in him and all the amazing things that come with knowing, truly knowing, that I am HIS. 

Last Sunday, I went to Lake Calhoun and just sat at the water's edge, looking out over the creation that my God had made. I was in awe of his handiwork. It's hard to explain. But it's similar to when you're looking at something someone you really love has made with their hands. It fills you with awe at their talent and makes you fall in love with them more because you see more of them through what they made because they have put little pieces of their soul into their art, and you see them. This is what I felt when I looked out over the water. I was falling more in love with the Creator of the beauty I saw. 

I had such a sweet time with him that day. I had just led the first grade small group for the first time at church that morning, and the kids were on my heart. I wanted to pray for them and yet I felt that I had so much to process with God as well. I wasn't sure how I'd do both, but I picked up The One Year Praying Through the Bible for Your Kids by Nancy Guthrie that a sweet friend had bought for me at a women's' conference last semester. I smiled to myself. She bought it with my possibly someday potential future kids in mind, yet God knew that I would have these first graders in my life and that I would need it now. 

The passages for that day were Ephesians 3:1-21, Isaiah 43:14-45:10, and Psalm 68:1-18. For some reason I got the idea to read through them and look for who God is and who I am in those passages.

I went through Ephesians 3 and looked for who I am. Then I went to Isaiah looking for who God is and then Psalms again looking for Him. I found so many, many names! I read through them and began to see the puzzle pieces fit. He is my Redeemer; I am a partaker of His promise. He is the Holy One; I am a temple of his power. He is the One who blots my sins; I am part of his pure bride. There were so many. I felt He was gently showing me who I was. And I was taking shelter under His wing from the storm of identities I put on myself based off what I assume other people see. 

Return, O my soul, to your rest,

 for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death

my eyes from tears,

my feet from stumbling;

I will walk before the Lord

 in the land of the living.

Psalm 116:7-10

He was showing me what it was like to live, really live, in freedom. He was showing me the shackles I had put on myself and as the Truth of His words washed over me, I could feel myself being set free. 

The night before I had been so touched by Pastor Jason's sermon on the woman who was healed by Jesus from the flow of blood. He said, "Don't call her 'the woman with the flow of blood.' That was not her identity. Jesus called her 'Daughter.'" My Father drew out my insecurities and fears as Pastor Jason spoke and the tears flowed silently as I listened. Afterwards, as he always does, he invited any who wanted to be prayed for to come to the front where he and others would be. I waited in line to ask him to pray for freedom from my fears and insecurities. 

I thought of the woman, hiding back in the shadows, not daring to ask Jesus to be healed or even to touch him but only the hem of his garment. What faith. I was hopeful. I had faith. But did I have the courage? As I waited, I wrote in my journal. The words that came from the pen were words from my Father to me. 

"Daughter, lift you head. You are no longer a slave to fear. You are Mine. Live in the love I have purchased for you. You are LOVED. Dearly. Do you know how much? I have given you an identity, an inheritance that will never perish nor fade. Oh, daughter. Come to me. You are weak. You tremble over many things, but do you know whose you are? Do you know who I am? I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have called you to a greater hope, kept in heaven for you. Daughter, I hold you in my hands. Don't be afraid to talk to Jason, my son. He loves me and he loves my sheep. He will take good care of you."

With those words, I stepped into the presence of a man who reminded me so much of Jesus that I felt like I was with God Himself. Such kindness, such compassion. Such tenderness, such love. I can't express what I felt. But that night, I went to sleep feeling content to wait on God to make a me into a woman whose character would attract a man like that, a man so much like Himself. 

What shall I render to the Lord 

for all of his benefits?

I will lift up the cup of salvation 

and call upon the name of the LORD...

Psalm 116:12-13

This was just the start of a week that was filled with visions of freedom. My God filled it with visions of His love for me, visions of who I was and who He was. He filled me with identity I had been longing for since I came out of the serious relationship of last year. I had not known how much value I let that relationship give me until God took it away. It felt like I died. It still feels, at times, like I'm dying all over again... dying to myself for sure. But now He gives me grace to say, "Though you slay me, yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless Your name. Though You ruin me, still I will worship and sing a song to the One whose all I need." (From "Though You Slay Me" by Shane & Shane) 

Father, You have filled me with songs. You are freeing me so that I can sing. You have not cast me away from Your presence; You have not taken your Holy Spirit from me. You are restoring to me the joy of my salvation and upholding me with a willing spirit. O Lord, You are opening my lips so that my mouth can declare your praise! 

O Lord, I am your servant...

You have loosed my bonds.

I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving

and call upon the name of the LORD.

Psalm 116:16-17 

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Dear Reader, do you know your full salvation? Jesus did not only call you to a life of dying to sin. This life of dying is a life of LIVING! As you live in dependence on the One whose blood bought your right to be with Jesus forever, He will show you the sweet side of dying. Just as He shows you how to be crucified with Him, the same power that rose Him from the dead will raise you from the depths of fear. I pray that the chains that hold you and me back from running into His arms and loving others freely will continually be loosed and that our tongues will be freed to sing His praise. He is stronger than anything that holds us captive!!!

Swimming Fearfully Courageous

Listen to me, you who purseue righteousness, you who seek the LORD: 

look to the rock from which you were hewn,

and to the quarry from which you were dug. 

Look to Abraham your father and to Sarah who bore you; 

for he was but one when I called him, that I might bless him and multiply him. 

For the LORD comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places

and makes her wilderness like Eden,

her desert like the garden of the LORD;

joy and gladness will be found in her, 

thanksgiving and the voice of song. 

Isaiah 51:1-3

This week, my Father comforted me with much truth. I feel at times like the place I'm in is a desert of surrender, but He is making my desert a garden. Where there is no joy and the ground is dry, I can hear the sound of rain in the distance. I know that He is coming like rain, and that He is restoring to me the joy of His salvation. Every morning, I ask, "Father, please give me joy today." But I know that even if He doesn't give me the feeling of joy, He is giving me more of Himself, which despite my feelings, I know is better by far. He is the strength of my heart. If it is the Lord Jesus who leads me, what do I fear?

This week, I was asking God to provide people to stand with me in my fight for joy. And He graciously has! He has brought me to my knees in this fight, and that is the best place to be -- where I see my need for Him so clearly! But oh, it's painful!

"Turn to me and be gracious with me as is your way with those who love your name. Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me." 

Psalm 119:33

The kind words of a friend reminded echo in my mind from this last week: "He's teaching me to be thankful for the storm." This is the place I want to be!

On Wednesday, I was really struggling with fear in surrender. I wrote out everything I was afraid of that day. It added up to a full page in my journal... I laid it out before God. Then I read the next section of Galatians for the day.

 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?" 

Galatians 4:6-9

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.... You were running well, Who hindered you from obeying the truth?...For you were called to freedom, brothers... through love serve one another. Galatians 5:1,7,13

My Father was slowly pulling away at layers of fear and showing me the freedom I already had from them. In showing me this freedom, He was getting to the root of my hesitation to surrender. "Do you love me enough to let even these pebbles go?"

Maybe I have built up this cage of fear and locked myself in it because I am not being still long enough to let truth really sink in deep. I tend to be rushed in my Father's presence, letting anxiety over the next class I am going to rule me. Oh Father, I want to CLING to the freedom You have purchased for me! FIX my eyes on the hope You have called me to!

Often times, when I am struggling with something, God will point me to a song that puts words to my situation and sheds light on darkness. This time the song that came to mind was "I won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot. He had ministered to me through that song last year, but the line that stood out this time was different: "Pain gives birth to the promise ahead." I realized that the pain of letting go, the pain of surrender, hurt so much because a new hope was being born. I was beginning to see the hope to which I have been called. (Ephesians 1:18)

Now my prayer was, "Father, as I let go of these pebbles and choose not to live like a slave, don't let me go! Let the sound of love, who I am in You be louder than the fear that I feel from the world! Give my heart courage, for I am weak! Yet I am willing to be weak if it means Your power will rest on me."

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Reader, Truth will release you from your cage! When you are afraid, write out your fears. Lay them before God. He cares about them more than you can know. Then ask him to bring you to truth in His Word that does battle with your fears. I have confidence that He will! You have heard that "The truth will set you free," but have you seen that happen in your own life? It can! Our God is bigger than our fears. Swim in the ocean of His love with me! Even when we are fearful, we can be courageous; He holds us in His hands.

Inheritance

As I look back over my journals from this past week, I see there is a theme of love strong enough to free from bonds of fear and doubt, Hope that is greater than the hope that must die in surrender, and the Inheritance I have in place of what I lost. It's actually so crazy that all of these came together. I'm going to include parts of my journal because I think some of these things I wrote for my own soul may speak to your souls too.

Love strong enough
I am reading a little book "Note to Self" by Joe Thorn. It's so good... It has a specific passage of Scripture and then there is a letter to "self" that has so often spoken to exactly what I have been thinking after reading the passage of Scripture of thinking about the topic. This one was on love. This is a part of the letter that I wrote in my journal.

Dear self... You only know what love really is be looking to your Savior. And you learn it from him continually, not just once. You must daily go to the cross and see your Savior's love for the unlovable (that means you.)

Self, you need Jesus. You need him so badly. Oh soul, for your own sake, run to Jesus! He has all you need. In your surrender, he will give you joy, and in your pain there will be hope. Jesus, You are the King of my heart. Oh soul, stop trying to earn your Savior's love. You already have it. Stop trying to show him you are good enough; He was the one who sent his Son so that instead of seeing what He could only pour wrath on, when He looks at you he sees His Beloved. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself. He doesn't miss a thing. Stop trying to be more beautiful. The God of beauty does not make ugly things. Stop trying to be worthy of him. There is nothing in you that will ever be worthy enough, and that secures for you a certainty of love that you would never have if you were worthy. He loves you unconditionally! Dear soul, you are loved, and He calls you to live like it. He calls you to walk in freedom of the light of His love. He is worth it all! 

"We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not! For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." Galatians 2:15-21

"Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith?... Abraham believed and it was counted to him as righteousness." Galatians 3:2, 6 Belief, in Your eyes, is righteousness because belief is only from your Father.

On Wednesday, my prayer was from an Audrey Assad's song, "From the chains of a lesser love, You say, 'Be free.' Liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos." Look up, oh soul! Be not trapped in this cage of doubt. Your world is small because you only look at yourself. Oh, but do you not see all around you? The cage has been lifted. You are not a slave any longer, you are His daughter. He calls you, and He says, "Mine." You don't have to keep reaching out through bars. You are no longer a slave to fear. Reach out all the way! Your God will meet you even as you seek to do what He has called you to. Oh, don't shackle yourself where there are no shackles!
Hope that is greater
On Friday, God gave me peace enough to fall into His everlasting arms more through the process of surrendering. I asked for a new song as I let go of my favorite pebbles. That morning, I reread Ephesians 1 that we had read in the devotional for Missions class the day before. Ephesians 1:18 stuck out to me. "... having the eyes of your heart enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe." What better verse could my Father have used to soothe my heart that ached at the thought of letting go of my hopes for the future? In this moment, He said to me that He Himself had called me to a Hope, that in Him I had riches of a glorious inheritance that was better than my plans for me, and that His power to free me from fear was immeasurable. What a good Father!

Now that He has given me the gift of faith to see this hope, my prayer is that, as I continue to die to myself in giving up my hopes, He would show me more of this greater Hope that will keep holding me fast.

Inheritance in place of what was lost
Yesterday, as I read the next section of Galatians in the morning, verse 26 and 29 of chapter 3 stuck out to me. "...for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith... And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise." Heirs according to promise... This was something I could hold onto, for yesterday and for all my days.

Despite all the pebbles my Father had asked me to drop into His ocean, all the hopes that had been consumed by fire, and all the hopes that must still be surrendered, He was showing me that He was my Inheritance. And how much sweeter is He than all the idols I bowed to before?


                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear child of God, the Lord is your chosen portion and your cup; He holds your future. The lines have fallen for you in pleasant places; indeed, you have a beautiful Inheritance in Him. (Psalm 16:5-6) The Hope that He holds out for you in your surrender is more of Himself. Will you say no to this? Because His love is stronger than our fears, stronger than anything that may keep us from surrendering completely, let's go and live like we're loved. 

Songs the Holy Spirit brought to mind this week:
"You Speak" by Audrey Assad
"Welcome Home" by Dutton
"Live Like Your're Loved" Hawk Nelson

Not With Pebbles

EXPECTATIONS

        |

        |

        |  }--------- DISAPPOINTMENT

        |

        |

   REALITY

Ever feel the disparity?
I was convicted in this past week's sermon when Pastor Jason said that God's plans often seem to go against our expectations. Does this mean that I am often disappointed with God? For me, that is what it has meant lately. Although I don't like to admit it and I didn't see that in myself till that sermon, it was kind of God to show it to me.

When God's plans are not your plans, is it not so easy to just wish that He had the same agenda as you? To wish that he would take away pain when you wanted it to be taken away, to wish that he would give you a certain relationship sooner, even to wish that he would just hurry up in giving you contentment? Though the things we wish for may be good, when you see this impatience in yourself, does it not tell you something is wrong? Does not this impatience, even in having more of a hunger for God, which is one of the best desires you can have, undermine the process of waiting? The full surrender to God's time table? When we hold impatience, we steal from ourselves the joy of surrender. Surrender takes impatience's place when we lift up empty hands to God and ask Him to fill them with whatever He will, while also asking him for the strength to be thankful for whatever he gives us in his good plan and his good time. Impatience, discontentment, and lack of joy do not have to rule you. Did Jesus not die for even this?

God has been gently bringing me to a point of surrendering more and more radically things that I have held on to for a long time. A few nights ago, he gave me the peace I needed to completely give to him hopes for the future and thoughts that I had obsessed over for too long. I wrote a letter, surrendering specific dreams of mine to him and then burned it as I sang worship songs that re-calibrated my heart to trust. I needed that.

He had brought me to the pier overlooking his goodness and had asked me if I would let go of the pebbles I held on to, all of my plans and my dreams for me. I had looked out over his goodness and asked, "But Daddy, will I ever see these pebbles again?" 

He had said to me, "Daughter, I will never ask you to do anything that will not give you more of Me." 

"But Daddy, these are my favorite pebbles. I don't know what I will do without them." As I began to cry, he had lifted my chin to look into his gentle face, wiped my tears, and smiled. 

"Trust me, dear heart. I AM Enough."

Slowly, I had reached out my hand over the pier and dropped each pebble, one by one, into the vast ocean. Piece by piece, I had watched that letter burn. I knew that there were more pebbles in the bottom of the ocean and that inevitably there were better ones.

My Savior stepped into the water and reached out his hand to me. "You have chosen what is better. And now, with your hands that are empty of your idols, will you take my hand and explore My goodness?" Did it really matter that there may be better pebbles in his ocean? My Father had called me, me, to explore his goodness with him and I couldn't swim with pebbles. "Please, Daddy," I said. "I want to follow You." 

The last letters were consumed in the fire and as I sang, "Like a bride waiting for her groom, we'll be a church ready for you..." I rubbed the ashes of my surrender into the cement until there was not a single raised flake. I wanted to be rid of any desires that were keeping me from following my Savior out onto the water, keeping me from taking his hand and exploring his goodness. Tears mingled with ashes, and yet I felt a freedom. Freedom that I had longed for. I felt in my heart that Jesus was stronger than even my desires for anything but him. He was drawing his child to himself yet again.

Dear reader, surrender is harder than you can know and sweeter than you will ever be able to imagine. And your Savior calls you out into the water explore His goodness. What are the pebbles that keep you from taking his hand in full surrender? Believe, dear heart, that there is so much better in his ocean. But praise God, you will not make it to those better gifts until you have plumbed the depths of his goodness with him!

Inevitable Grace

Wow, what a week it has been! Just a week ago I was dreading the first day of school. But so much has happened since then! And it is too good to not be shared.

The night before classes started, my family prayed with me that God would take away the feeling of dread that had been looming for so long over the start of another school year. I kept thinking about the daily grind ahead of me -- waking up, going to school, going to study somewhere, coming home, going to sleep, repeat... I wanted no part of it. I realize now that what I had left out of that daily grind when I was anticipating it were the things that have eternal value, sanctifying time with God and with my community of believers. But I was in a cloud -- I couldn't see any good in the path I was about to enter again. But I prayed for faith, and I prayed to be surprised.

The next morning I woke up and looked out the window. Oh no, it's the first day of school...There was that dread. But why? "God," I begged, "Please, please give me joy! I really need You today, and I really feel my need. I can't do this without You..." I rolled out of bed and made myself coffee and then settled down for a my long anticipated time with Him in Hosea and Psalm 119. I read, "Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you." I felt that. It is time to seek the Lord. "Lord, come to me like rain," I prayed, hardly daring to hope. 

And yet, I felt stronger than I had before letting my mind and heart sit under His Word. I felt more ready to go to class. 

My first class was Missions. When I got to the church, climbed those 3 familiar flights of stairs and stepped into that familiar classroom, I realized something had happened. Where was that sense of dread? It should be strongest about now. And what was this? Was this joy? Excitement? I greeted my professor and classmates and felt a freedom to love them that I was not expecting. Where was all the fear of man that I had been fully expecting to accompany me inside those doors? 

It was gone. God had done a miracle!

I was fully there in class, drinking in every word my Professor said as we studied Ephesians 1, who we are in Christ. I noticed that over and over again, Paul says "in Christ," "in him," through Jesus," "in Jesus Christ". It was beautiful. I felt my Father saying, "I am here with you. You have been seeing yourself and your circumstances through your assumptions of what others see, but it is the way I see that really matters. And I love you." 

I felt prompted to write down a list of grace I saw in my professor and almost came out with half a page of things I saw God in. It was beautiful. I had never thought to do that before, but it was so encouraging. He was so loving and pastoral, really wanting us to get, in our hearts as well as minds, what it meant to be united with Christ. Even after we heard about God's saving work in our professor's life as he gave some of his life story and had gone on to talk about the syllabus, that joy didn't go away. I am still amazed by its presence. God surprised me like I didn't imagine he would.

I had prayed that God would give me a taste of how this year could be better than last, and he was definitely beginning to!

Yesterday was the fourth day of classes, and I can tell this semester's theme will be one of overcoming fear. Last year, I felt like God drew my attention to the destroying sin of fear of man specifically, but these last few days I feel a broader emphasis on my fears in general. 

In Wednesday chapel, I felt God impressing on my heart through the songs we sang and Scripture that we read that his victory over sin and death and Satan was what can overcome my fears. I am asking Him to make His victory more real and personal to me so that I have, as my professor prayed for me just before chapel, "the courage of a lion." 

I asked for hope, He gifted me joy too. I asked for faith, he gifted me sight. I asked for strength, He gave me courage. I asked for a reason to sing, He also gave me a song. I asked for good, He gave me BEST. He is a good Father.

These words that Paul spoke reflect what I feel today, looking back on last year and looking ahead to a new one: 

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

Dear reader, don't take it from me. Find out for yourself. God can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine. Pray for grace; He has oceans of it.

Inevitable Waves Mean Inevitable Grace

Sometimes only pictures can adequately describe what you've always known to be true in the back of your mind but could never quite put your finger on. With this picture, I look into it and see that this wave is life. It is a tunnel leading to glory beyond. It is dark but still reflects the glory of the Son. It is short lived, as waves are, and before you know it, it is gone. It is meant to be enjoyed. As a surfer reaches out and touches the wall of water as he glides to the other side, so I am meant to enjoy the gift of life my Father has given me and be in the world but not of it.

On a smaller scale, this wave is also what I picture when I think about the next two years of school, or this semester specifically. Looking through the wave from this side, it seems longer than it is. I am thinking about when the semester ends before it's even begun. I'm thinking about my life after school before my second year starts. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester, the end of these next two years, the end of this life when I will be with Jesus.

What is it about this semester that makes me look forward to the end before the beginning? Why am I only seeing the dark side of the wave as if the reflection of the sun is hiding from me? I don't know. God, please show me. All I know is that I have so many fears, and I am dreading Monday. This is where I've been for a few weeks, but especially as it gets closer.

This is what I feel. But feelings can be so fickle and they often lie... So what do I know?

I know that Bethlehem College and Seminary is still where God wants me. I know that He taught me so many invaluable lessons in and outside of the classroom last semester -- lessons that I don't want to go on the mission field without -- and that He can do it again. I know that where He calls He gives the strength for His children to follow His call. I know that openness and honesty with my community of brothers and sisters about my fears has been an instrument in freeing me from them and that prayer with others has given me so much hope in the past and will continue to do so if I seek it out. I know that this year should not be as academically hard because I am taking three classes instead of four, which leaves time for ministry on the side. And I know that that ministries God has opened the doors to get involved in (Sunday School small group leader for 1st graders, involvement in the lives of hurting people, and who knows what else!) are things I can be excited about!

So why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God! For I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42:5,8)

To any who may be in the same boat of dread, let's pray together that the Lord of the wind and waves will give us joy in the morning and restore to us the joy of His salvation so that He is all we see as we walk on the water. It is true that inevitable waves mean inevitable grace! I'm holding on to that.

When Black Comes Alive

For now we see through a glass darkly, but then we shall see face to face. 1 Corinthians 13:12

It is a hard thing to think of something more beautiful than the Words of God being shown to be true as they connect deeply to the tiny details of a person's life.

A friend pointed me to the book of 2 Corinthians today. That is another beautiful thing -- when brothers and sisters point each other to true life in the Scriptures. There is something to be said for knowing where someone is in their struggles and pointing them to a passage in the Bible where you feel God may speak to them in their situation. It is not for sure it will take root in their hearts, but there is nothing to lose if we point them to it and then pray that it will. In fact, it is more likely there is something to lose if we don't.

I thank God because the soil of my heart was open when I finally read 2 Corinthians 4-5. I read...

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart...

I looked back, realizing the ministry it was talking about was ministry of the Spirit, which, in my life right now, takes the form of encouraging several close friends and family of mine who are having trouble believing God is good in their suffering. I read on.

...But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, which is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of god in the face of Jesus Christ.

This made me think of the Muslim woman that I want to keep a relationship going with for the purpose of showing her that Jesus is working in my life and that the way to Him is better than the way she is taking. The gospel may be veiled to her for now, but this is a reminder how important it is to pray for God to protect her from having her mind blinded by the god of this world to the glory of Christ. This takes off the pressure from me because I am not proclaiming myself but Jesus Christ as Lord, and myself as Jesus' servant. It is not me she is rejecting, it is God. That gets my selfishness out of the way. I kept reading.

...But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 

Wow! No kidding. It's up to God and not me? This is good news. HE is the powerful One and I just follow as He gives me the privilege to be part of His plan for salvation to those whom He chooses. I need to be reminded of this so much...

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. 

I forget that this life of following God is full of things that feel like death because I am in the process of dying to sin in myself and living to righteousness. I am called to carry around the death of Jesus so that His life may also be manifested in me! If this is to what I am called, it does mot make sense to be surprised at suffering. I am not surprised... I think my problem is that I forget the reason I can have joy in the midst of it -- I am living God's call. This reminds me that His power is perfected in my weaknesses. NOTHING can overcome the power of God! When I am having a good day, it is He who gives that gift, and He is glorified; when I suffer, I know that His life will be manifested in my flesh as well, and He is glorified; when I am strong, it is because of Him and He is glorified; when my weaknesses show, His power is so much more obvious in my life, and He is glorified! 

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written," I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

I am realizing more and more the temporary nature of this life, sometimes to the point of thinking everything is vanity, even serving God. I need to keep being reminded to look at the things that are seen in light of the things that are unseen, the transient in light of the eternal, because that gives the transient eternal value. I want to increase thanksgiving -- my own and those around me -- by extending the grace that I have been given to more and more people. 

For we know that if he tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we grown, being burdened -- not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 

Twice, it says, "while we are in this tent we groan", and this is what I find myself doing more and more, longing to be further clothed so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by true Life. And even now I am being prepared for this by the One who gave me the Spirit as a guarantee. I think it all comes back to patience and trusting God's timing is best and that, somehow, though I long to be with Jesus now, He wants me to have hope for the present because, like all His gifts, it is good. Isn't that why it is called the present?

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 

Twice, he says, "we are of good courage." Is this You speaking to my fears, Father? Sometimes I am afraid of being at home in the body and away from you. Please give me enough faith to walk by, and help me to make it my aim to please you in the present.

It All Comes Back to You in Your Book

I know that if God gives me a forever love story, it will be a beautiful one because I've waited so long. The longer a heart waits for something the sweeter it is when it is tasted.

But what about now? What do I do meanwhile? I'm sitting here listening to sad music on a music box while listening to a thunderstorm on Youtube... God, I need you to keep showing me my purpose on this earth. You've shown me how it is not my home, but now I just feel so not at home here that I ache, I literally ache, to be with You where I belong. I want to keep feeling that I am a stranger in this world, but if I lose focus of why You are keeping me here, I will be wasting my life. I don't want to live a wasted life. A wasted life is not worth living.

Father, my heart thinks it lacks so many things. But really, what I lack is contentment in the here and now You've given me. My life will not begin once I get married. My life will not begin once I am overseas doing life with a people I love and teaching them of Your goodness. My life will not begin once I am done with Bethlehem College & Seminary. It began twenty three years and three months ago when You held my cells together in the miracle of conception. And from that moment, my life has been growing with purpose, a purpose that You had planned before the creation of the world.

I know that I am here to glorify You and to enjoy You, but sometimes I think that I would enjoy You more in heaven without the ugliness of sin clouding my vision of You. But if that were true, I would be in Heaven now because You say everything works for my good. Show me the good in the lack I feel? Please. I know that I am here to glorify You and enjoy You, but sometimes I wish You would share with me the exact purpose of my life specifically, what I am to do and who I am to be that will glorify You most and how I am to enjoy You most fully.

I know that the pot can't say to the Potter, "Why have you made me like this?", and yet sometimes I feel like I am the pot asking the Potter, "What did you make me for? Just show me what you want me to do." I feel it is so obvious, and yet why do I miss it? God, You opened my blind eyes to Your beauty. Now I am asking You to open my blind eyes to why You have me here on earth. Please give me a reason to sing that I can't let go of. Please give me a reason to live that I am ready to die for. Make me brave because I am so afraid...

When I want to share my heart with another, let me be content in sharing it with You when those desires cannot be met in a way that pleases You. When I want to be in a different season in life, let me see the harvest in the season You have placed me. When I remember the good times from days past, remind me of Your goodness that will continue and Your faithfulness that will never leave me. When I start to lose hope for my future, remind me my future is Yours and that You are weaving a tapestry that someday I will be able to marvel at. When I start to believe the lie that my life begins some day far off that I can't imagine right now, show me the purpose that You have for me today. When my eyes start looking at myself and becoming despondent, open my eyes to those around me who need Your love. When I think that I am all out of love to give, show me how deep Your love is for me in the pages of Your Book and cause my heart to fall in love with Your truth again. When I despair of reading Your Book with joy, open my eyes to wonderful things in Your Word again and give me a new wonder.

It all comes back to You. It all comes back to seeing and savoring Jesus in Your book.

Is that why I'm discontent? Have I not been digging some days, truly mining Your Word and rejoicing over the jewels I have found? Is it that some days my heart has become the soil with weeds and the cares of this world and the passing pleasures of it have choked out the desire for Your Word? Oh forgive me. Refresh my joy in lasting Beauty! Why have I become satisfied with so little? Give my heart an appetite only Your beauty can satisfy!

Your son, C. S. Lewis, once said, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” Oh, protect me from being far too easily pleased. That is a danger I most dread.

Music I listened to while writing this: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKjJhiXtpF4