But what about now? What do I do meanwhile? I'm sitting here listening to sad music on a music box while listening to a thunderstorm on Youtube... God, I need you to keep showing me my purpose on this earth. You've shown me how it is not my home, but now I just feel so not at home here that I ache, I literally ache, to be with You where I belong. I want to keep feeling that I am a stranger in this world, but if I lose focus of why You are keeping me here, I will be wasting my life. I don't want to live a wasted life. A wasted life is not worth living.
Father, my heart thinks it lacks so many things. But really, what I lack is contentment in the here and now You've given me. My life will not begin once I get married. My life will not begin once I am overseas doing life with a people I love and teaching them of Your goodness. My life will not begin once I am done with Bethlehem College & Seminary. It began twenty three years and three months ago when You held my cells together in the miracle of conception. And from that moment, my life has been growing with purpose, a purpose that You had planned before the creation of the world.
I know that I am here to glorify You and to enjoy You, but sometimes I think that I would enjoy You more in heaven without the ugliness of sin clouding my vision of You. But if that were true, I would be in Heaven now because You say everything works for my good. Show me the good in the lack I feel? Please. I know that I am here to glorify You and enjoy You, but sometimes I wish You would share with me the exact purpose of my life specifically, what I am to do and who I am to be that will glorify You most and how I am to enjoy You most fully.
I know that the pot can't say to the Potter, "Why have you made me like this?", and yet sometimes I feel like I am the pot asking the Potter, "What did you make me for? Just show me what you want me to do." I feel it is so obvious, and yet why do I miss it? God, You opened my blind eyes to Your beauty. Now I am asking You to open my blind eyes to why You have me here on earth. Please give me a reason to sing that I can't let go of. Please give me a reason to live that I am ready to die for. Make me brave because I am so afraid...
When I want to share my heart with another, let me be content in sharing it with You when those desires cannot be met in a way that pleases You. When I want to be in a different season in life, let me see the harvest in the season You have placed me. When I remember the good times from days past, remind me of Your goodness that will continue and Your faithfulness that will never leave me. When I start to lose hope for my future, remind me my future is Yours and that You are weaving a tapestry that someday I will be able to marvel at. When I start to believe the lie that my life begins some day far off that I can't imagine right now, show me the purpose that You have for me today. When my eyes start looking at myself and becoming despondent, open my eyes to those around me who need Your love. When I think that I am all out of love to give, show me how deep Your love is for me in the pages of Your Book and cause my heart to fall in love with Your truth again. When I despair of reading Your Book with joy, open my eyes to wonderful things in Your Word again and give me a new wonder.
It all comes back to You. It all comes back to seeing and savoring Jesus in Your book.
Is that why I'm discontent? Have I not been digging some days, truly mining Your Word and rejoicing over the jewels I have found? Is it that some days my heart has become the soil with weeds and the cares of this world and the passing pleasures of it have choked out the desire for Your Word? Oh forgive me. Refresh my joy in lasting Beauty! Why have I become satisfied with so little? Give my heart an appetite only Your beauty can satisfy!
Your son, C. S. Lewis, once said, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” Oh, protect me from being far too easily pleased. That is a danger I most dread.
Music I listened to while writing this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKjJhiXtpF4
No comments:
Post a Comment