The Power To Be Free

Entry #2 5:25pm on Doctrine Class Day

Surrounded by the inspiring creativity of the sights and sounds of a coffee shop in Minneapolis, listening to music that makes me want to fly, thoughts come to the surface again and they must spill out.

I write about Doctrine class so that I can see how I've grown and so that I can keep growing and one day look back on this period of my life and see how God unlocked the door to the cage I'm in called "fear of man."

During Doctrine class today, as I was looking around, listening to my professor and my classmates around me, it hit me that I felt slightly more free from this deep sense of caring what they all thought of me. I didn't not care to the point of speaking up in class to answer a question... no, not yet. But I felt closer, and that is a huge step.

I have trouble describing this cage that I seem to be in. I think it's because it doesn't make sense. I know that I'm in Bethlehem College so that I can learn and become closer to Jesus. I know that part of learning is asking questions and answering questions as a way of putting my finger on the pulse of how I'm actually doing academically, but for some reason, I have put myself in a cage of silence, and these four walls made of bars feel oppressive and incredibly small. I feel like a bird that is waiting for someone to open the cage door so that I can fly out and be free. But as I sit on my perch wishing that I could go out into the world that I see beyond, I am looking through an open door! And yet, I don't spread my wings and fly away.... Why? Sometimes I don't know myself.

But! I have an army of warriors around me that I have asked to pray that I would take the freedom I have been given in Christ from this sin of fear and that I would live like I'm loved, and they are! I feel as if each day I grow a little closer to flying out the door towards freedom.

What do I anticipate this freedom to look like? That's a good question; I'm glad you asked. :) I will say what I think though God has a funny way sometimes of showing our expectations to be not what was best for us in the end. Nevertheless, it is good to have a vision for that freedom, so I will put some thought into it. I think the first step would involve me speaking up in class, to ask a question or to answer one. Or even to read a passage of Scripture. Right now, I seem to even have a fear of hearing my own voice come out of my mouth in the presence of those around me... I know, I tell myself all the time that it doesn't make sense, but how am I to reconcile that to reality? That is the first step to freedom, I think.I'm not sure I can see much farther beyond that because even that seems so far away in some senses.

One baby step at a time. One feather unfurled at a time, and eventually I will be able to spread my wings! Oh Keeper of this bird, would you reach into my cage, put your loving hand under me and coax me to step off my comfortable, fearful perch towards freedom? You made me to fly, and I desire to be free! But I need so much help....

Process Vomit

Entry #1 after Doctrine class - February 8, 2017

There is a lot going through my head, so many word pictures and visions that I don't know what to do with. I feel like I just need to get it out -- hence, process vomit...

What is it that I'm looking for? A way to take notes in my class that will fit with the content. There are so many analogies I feel could be made but are left out that would help connect my fumbling brain to my picto-centric mind. But I fear it is the connecting that I am unable to do.

How could I note-take in a way that would help me better understand the material, better learn it? That is a good question.  How will I know what is the answer? Father, help me. Into Your hands I commit my thoughts, these pictures. Would you form them into a tool that I can use to help me in the understanding from the confusing mixed blob of strained and dispersed thoughts and feelings they are now? I need You to make sense of my mind as the One who knows every fold of my brain because You formed them.