Inevitable Grace

Wow, what a week it has been! Just a week ago I was dreading the first day of school. But so much has happened since then! And it is too good to not be shared.

The night before classes started, my family prayed with me that God would take away the feeling of dread that had been looming for so long over the start of another school year. I kept thinking about the daily grind ahead of me -- waking up, going to school, going to study somewhere, coming home, going to sleep, repeat... I wanted no part of it. I realize now that what I had left out of that daily grind when I was anticipating it were the things that have eternal value, sanctifying time with God and with my community of believers. But I was in a cloud -- I couldn't see any good in the path I was about to enter again. But I prayed for faith, and I prayed to be surprised.

The next morning I woke up and looked out the window. Oh no, it's the first day of school...There was that dread. But why? "God," I begged, "Please, please give me joy! I really need You today, and I really feel my need. I can't do this without You..." I rolled out of bed and made myself coffee and then settled down for a my long anticipated time with Him in Hosea and Psalm 119. I read, "Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you." I felt that. It is time to seek the Lord. "Lord, come to me like rain," I prayed, hardly daring to hope. 

And yet, I felt stronger than I had before letting my mind and heart sit under His Word. I felt more ready to go to class. 

My first class was Missions. When I got to the church, climbed those 3 familiar flights of stairs and stepped into that familiar classroom, I realized something had happened. Where was that sense of dread? It should be strongest about now. And what was this? Was this joy? Excitement? I greeted my professor and classmates and felt a freedom to love them that I was not expecting. Where was all the fear of man that I had been fully expecting to accompany me inside those doors? 

It was gone. God had done a miracle!

I was fully there in class, drinking in every word my Professor said as we studied Ephesians 1, who we are in Christ. I noticed that over and over again, Paul says "in Christ," "in him," through Jesus," "in Jesus Christ". It was beautiful. I felt my Father saying, "I am here with you. You have been seeing yourself and your circumstances through your assumptions of what others see, but it is the way I see that really matters. And I love you." 

I felt prompted to write down a list of grace I saw in my professor and almost came out with half a page of things I saw God in. It was beautiful. I had never thought to do that before, but it was so encouraging. He was so loving and pastoral, really wanting us to get, in our hearts as well as minds, what it meant to be united with Christ. Even after we heard about God's saving work in our professor's life as he gave some of his life story and had gone on to talk about the syllabus, that joy didn't go away. I am still amazed by its presence. God surprised me like I didn't imagine he would.

I had prayed that God would give me a taste of how this year could be better than last, and he was definitely beginning to!

Yesterday was the fourth day of classes, and I can tell this semester's theme will be one of overcoming fear. Last year, I felt like God drew my attention to the destroying sin of fear of man specifically, but these last few days I feel a broader emphasis on my fears in general. 

In Wednesday chapel, I felt God impressing on my heart through the songs we sang and Scripture that we read that his victory over sin and death and Satan was what can overcome my fears. I am asking Him to make His victory more real and personal to me so that I have, as my professor prayed for me just before chapel, "the courage of a lion." 

I asked for hope, He gifted me joy too. I asked for faith, he gifted me sight. I asked for strength, He gave me courage. I asked for a reason to sing, He also gave me a song. I asked for good, He gave me BEST. He is a good Father.

These words that Paul spoke reflect what I feel today, looking back on last year and looking ahead to a new one: 

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

Dear reader, don't take it from me. Find out for yourself. God can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine. Pray for grace; He has oceans of it.

Inevitable Waves Mean Inevitable Grace

Sometimes only pictures can adequately describe what you've always known to be true in the back of your mind but could never quite put your finger on. With this picture, I look into it and see that this wave is life. It is a tunnel leading to glory beyond. It is dark but still reflects the glory of the Son. It is short lived, as waves are, and before you know it, it is gone. It is meant to be enjoyed. As a surfer reaches out and touches the wall of water as he glides to the other side, so I am meant to enjoy the gift of life my Father has given me and be in the world but not of it.

On a smaller scale, this wave is also what I picture when I think about the next two years of school, or this semester specifically. Looking through the wave from this side, it seems longer than it is. I am thinking about when the semester ends before it's even begun. I'm thinking about my life after school before my second year starts. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester, the end of these next two years, the end of this life when I will be with Jesus.

What is it about this semester that makes me look forward to the end before the beginning? Why am I only seeing the dark side of the wave as if the reflection of the sun is hiding from me? I don't know. God, please show me. All I know is that I have so many fears, and I am dreading Monday. This is where I've been for a few weeks, but especially as it gets closer.

This is what I feel. But feelings can be so fickle and they often lie... So what do I know?

I know that Bethlehem College and Seminary is still where God wants me. I know that He taught me so many invaluable lessons in and outside of the classroom last semester -- lessons that I don't want to go on the mission field without -- and that He can do it again. I know that where He calls He gives the strength for His children to follow His call. I know that openness and honesty with my community of brothers and sisters about my fears has been an instrument in freeing me from them and that prayer with others has given me so much hope in the past and will continue to do so if I seek it out. I know that this year should not be as academically hard because I am taking three classes instead of four, which leaves time for ministry on the side. And I know that that ministries God has opened the doors to get involved in (Sunday School small group leader for 1st graders, involvement in the lives of hurting people, and who knows what else!) are things I can be excited about!

So why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God! For I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42:5,8)

To any who may be in the same boat of dread, let's pray together that the Lord of the wind and waves will give us joy in the morning and restore to us the joy of His salvation so that He is all we see as we walk on the water. It is true that inevitable waves mean inevitable grace! I'm holding on to that.

When Black Comes Alive

For now we see through a glass darkly, but then we shall see face to face. 1 Corinthians 13:12

It is a hard thing to think of something more beautiful than the Words of God being shown to be true as they connect deeply to the tiny details of a person's life.

A friend pointed me to the book of 2 Corinthians today. That is another beautiful thing -- when brothers and sisters point each other to true life in the Scriptures. There is something to be said for knowing where someone is in their struggles and pointing them to a passage in the Bible where you feel God may speak to them in their situation. It is not for sure it will take root in their hearts, but there is nothing to lose if we point them to it and then pray that it will. In fact, it is more likely there is something to lose if we don't.

I thank God because the soil of my heart was open when I finally read 2 Corinthians 4-5. I read...

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart...

I looked back, realizing the ministry it was talking about was ministry of the Spirit, which, in my life right now, takes the form of encouraging several close friends and family of mine who are having trouble believing God is good in their suffering. I read on.

...But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, which is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of god in the face of Jesus Christ.

This made me think of the Muslim woman that I want to keep a relationship going with for the purpose of showing her that Jesus is working in my life and that the way to Him is better than the way she is taking. The gospel may be veiled to her for now, but this is a reminder how important it is to pray for God to protect her from having her mind blinded by the god of this world to the glory of Christ. This takes off the pressure from me because I am not proclaiming myself but Jesus Christ as Lord, and myself as Jesus' servant. It is not me she is rejecting, it is God. That gets my selfishness out of the way. I kept reading.

...But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 

Wow! No kidding. It's up to God and not me? This is good news. HE is the powerful One and I just follow as He gives me the privilege to be part of His plan for salvation to those whom He chooses. I need to be reminded of this so much...

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you. 

I forget that this life of following God is full of things that feel like death because I am in the process of dying to sin in myself and living to righteousness. I am called to carry around the death of Jesus so that His life may also be manifested in me! If this is to what I am called, it does mot make sense to be surprised at suffering. I am not surprised... I think my problem is that I forget the reason I can have joy in the midst of it -- I am living God's call. This reminds me that His power is perfected in my weaknesses. NOTHING can overcome the power of God! When I am having a good day, it is He who gives that gift, and He is glorified; when I suffer, I know that His life will be manifested in my flesh as well, and He is glorified; when I am strong, it is because of Him and He is glorified; when my weaknesses show, His power is so much more obvious in my life, and He is glorified! 

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written," I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 

I am realizing more and more the temporary nature of this life, sometimes to the point of thinking everything is vanity, even serving God. I need to keep being reminded to look at the things that are seen in light of the things that are unseen, the transient in light of the eternal, because that gives the transient eternal value. I want to increase thanksgiving -- my own and those around me -- by extending the grace that I have been given to more and more people. 

For we know that if he tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we grown, being burdened -- not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 

Twice, it says, "while we are in this tent we groan", and this is what I find myself doing more and more, longing to be further clothed so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by true Life. And even now I am being prepared for this by the One who gave me the Spirit as a guarantee. I think it all comes back to patience and trusting God's timing is best and that, somehow, though I long to be with Jesus now, He wants me to have hope for the present because, like all His gifts, it is good. Isn't that why it is called the present?

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 

Twice, he says, "we are of good courage." Is this You speaking to my fears, Father? Sometimes I am afraid of being at home in the body and away from you. Please give me enough faith to walk by, and help me to make it my aim to please you in the present.

It All Comes Back to You in Your Book

I know that if God gives me a forever love story, it will be a beautiful one because I've waited so long. The longer a heart waits for something the sweeter it is when it is tasted.

But what about now? What do I do meanwhile? I'm sitting here listening to sad music on a music box while listening to a thunderstorm on Youtube... God, I need you to keep showing me my purpose on this earth. You've shown me how it is not my home, but now I just feel so not at home here that I ache, I literally ache, to be with You where I belong. I want to keep feeling that I am a stranger in this world, but if I lose focus of why You are keeping me here, I will be wasting my life. I don't want to live a wasted life. A wasted life is not worth living.

Father, my heart thinks it lacks so many things. But really, what I lack is contentment in the here and now You've given me. My life will not begin once I get married. My life will not begin once I am overseas doing life with a people I love and teaching them of Your goodness. My life will not begin once I am done with Bethlehem College & Seminary. It began twenty three years and three months ago when You held my cells together in the miracle of conception. And from that moment, my life has been growing with purpose, a purpose that You had planned before the creation of the world.

I know that I am here to glorify You and to enjoy You, but sometimes I think that I would enjoy You more in heaven without the ugliness of sin clouding my vision of You. But if that were true, I would be in Heaven now because You say everything works for my good. Show me the good in the lack I feel? Please. I know that I am here to glorify You and enjoy You, but sometimes I wish You would share with me the exact purpose of my life specifically, what I am to do and who I am to be that will glorify You most and how I am to enjoy You most fully.

I know that the pot can't say to the Potter, "Why have you made me like this?", and yet sometimes I feel like I am the pot asking the Potter, "What did you make me for? Just show me what you want me to do." I feel it is so obvious, and yet why do I miss it? God, You opened my blind eyes to Your beauty. Now I am asking You to open my blind eyes to why You have me here on earth. Please give me a reason to sing that I can't let go of. Please give me a reason to live that I am ready to die for. Make me brave because I am so afraid...

When I want to share my heart with another, let me be content in sharing it with You when those desires cannot be met in a way that pleases You. When I want to be in a different season in life, let me see the harvest in the season You have placed me. When I remember the good times from days past, remind me of Your goodness that will continue and Your faithfulness that will never leave me. When I start to lose hope for my future, remind me my future is Yours and that You are weaving a tapestry that someday I will be able to marvel at. When I start to believe the lie that my life begins some day far off that I can't imagine right now, show me the purpose that You have for me today. When my eyes start looking at myself and becoming despondent, open my eyes to those around me who need Your love. When I think that I am all out of love to give, show me how deep Your love is for me in the pages of Your Book and cause my heart to fall in love with Your truth again. When I despair of reading Your Book with joy, open my eyes to wonderful things in Your Word again and give me a new wonder.

It all comes back to You. It all comes back to seeing and savoring Jesus in Your book.

Is that why I'm discontent? Have I not been digging some days, truly mining Your Word and rejoicing over the jewels I have found? Is it that some days my heart has become the soil with weeds and the cares of this world and the passing pleasures of it have choked out the desire for Your Word? Oh forgive me. Refresh my joy in lasting Beauty! Why have I become satisfied with so little? Give my heart an appetite only Your beauty can satisfy!

Your son, C. S. Lewis, once said, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” Oh, protect me from being far too easily pleased. That is a danger I most dread.

Music I listened to while writing this: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKjJhiXtpF4 

Resolution to See Grace

It hit me today, though you'd think it would have hit me earlier, that I need to write more.

Last year, with all the assignments that kept me busy at Bethlehem College & Seminary in Minnesota, I did not have enough outlets to process the things I was learning in school and God was teaching me outside the classroom. There was so much coming IN to my brain and so many things happening inter-personally that I forgot the importance of letting some of that stuff OUT. Art and writing and verbally processing with another human being are ways that I process things, but with no art supplies, no means of getting them and a combination of not realizing my need for writing and verbally processing with someone and lack of time, I did not make use of these means of grace hardly at all.... And I went CRAZY.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If I want this year to be different I need to make a change now, and a change that I can track. This year, I am asking for God's sustaining grace to help me write a blog post once a week on Wednesdays -- we'll start small -- about something that I have observed that week, something that He is teaching me, something that encouraged me to keep going, newfound hope for the future, anything. I just keep thinking of the verse in Hebrews that says, "Make sure to encourage one another as long as it is called today so that you will not be hardened by sin's deceitfulness" (Hebrews 13:3, emphasis added). I definitely was hardened by sin's deceitfulness last year because I was not seeking out enough ways to not only find community, but to encourage myself by recounting God's faithfulness and tracking His work in my life. I don't want to do that again. Jesus, help!

This blog used to be called "Secrets of the Journey", aptly named because of my desire to share the lessons God was teaching me that were only visible from my point of view because they were specifically designed for me. My desire was that by sharing those lessons others would be encouraged too. I still want to do that. Later, I named it "Walking in the Grip of Grace" after I realized that my whole journey in which I had been learning lessons from the hand of God was taken while in His hands, or in the "grip of Grace" Himself. My emphasis was on Grace because He showed me who He was in a way I had never seen before, and I want to keep sharing those things He shows me in my blog posts. Even if I only have 5 minutes on a Wednesday (I know it's not Wednesday, but yesterday was and Thursdays can be makeup days if necessary ;) ) I want to write with the intention of processing the past week through the lens of Grace.

Father, you say that "In his heart a man plans his course but the LORD directs his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). I am trying to plan a course that is pleasing to you, but I need your blessing. Please give me the strength and motivation to write each week and allow it to not only encourage my soul but also the souls of anyone who reads. Though I am resolving to see grace, the resolution is futile unless I have Your grace to see it. Natural eyes have no eyes for grace. Would you gift me with grace to see Grace? Oh, open my eyes to Your beauty, and please teach this heart to see beyond this world and be thankful! In the name of Him who loves my soul. Amen.