The night before classes started, my family prayed with me that God would take away the feeling of dread that had been looming for so long over the start of another school year. I kept thinking about the daily grind ahead of me -- waking up, going to school, going to study somewhere, coming home, going to sleep, repeat... I wanted no part of it. I realize now that what I had left out of that daily grind when I was anticipating it were the things that have eternal value, sanctifying time with God and with my community of believers. But I was in a cloud -- I couldn't see any good in the path I was about to enter again. But I prayed for faith, and I prayed to be surprised.
The next morning I woke up and looked out the window. Oh no, it's the first day of school...There was that dread. But why? "God," I begged, "Please, please give me joy! I really need You today, and I really feel my need. I can't do this without You..." I rolled out of bed and made myself coffee and then settled down for a my long anticipated time with Him in Hosea and Psalm 119. I read, "Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love. Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you." I felt that. It is time to seek the Lord. "Lord, come to me like rain," I prayed, hardly daring to hope.
And yet, I felt stronger than I had before letting my mind and heart sit under His Word. I felt more ready to go to class.
My first class was Missions. When I got to the church, climbed those 3 familiar flights of stairs and stepped into that familiar classroom, I realized something had happened. Where was that sense of dread? It should be strongest about now. And what was this? Was this joy? Excitement? I greeted my professor and classmates and felt a freedom to love them that I was not expecting. Where was all the fear of man that I had been fully expecting to accompany me inside those doors?
It was gone. God had done a miracle!
I was fully there in class, drinking in every word my Professor said as we studied Ephesians 1, who we are in Christ. I noticed that over and over again, Paul says "in Christ," "in him," through Jesus," "in Jesus Christ". It was beautiful. I felt my Father saying, "I am here with you. You have been seeing yourself and your circumstances through your assumptions of what others see, but it is the way I see that really matters. And I love you."
I felt prompted to write down a list of grace I saw in my professor and almost came out with half a page of things I saw God in. It was beautiful. I had never thought to do that before, but it was so encouraging. He was so loving and pastoral, really wanting us to get, in our hearts as well as minds, what it meant to be united with Christ. Even after we heard about God's saving work in our professor's life as he gave some of his life story and had gone on to talk about the syllabus, that joy didn't go away. I am still amazed by its presence. God surprised me like I didn't imagine he would.
I had prayed that God would give me a taste of how this year could be better than last, and he was definitely beginning to!
Yesterday was the fourth day of classes, and I can tell this semester's theme will be one of overcoming fear. Last year, I felt like God drew my attention to the destroying sin of fear of man specifically, but these last few days I feel a broader emphasis on my fears in general.
In Wednesday chapel, I felt God impressing on my heart through the songs we sang and Scripture that we read that his victory over sin and death and Satan was what can overcome my fears. I am asking Him to make His victory more real and personal to me so that I have, as my professor prayed for me just before chapel, "the courage of a lion."
I asked for hope, He gifted me joy too. I asked for faith, he gifted me sight. I asked for strength, He gave me courage. I asked for a reason to sing, He also gave me a song. I asked for good, He gave me BEST. He is a good Father.
These words that Paul spoke reflect what I feel today, looking back on last year and looking ahead to a new one:
We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11
Dear reader, don't take it from me. Find out for yourself. God can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine. Pray for grace; He has oceans of it.
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