This week, I feel as though Psalm 116 gives words to my daily walk with God. He is teaching me more of my identity in him and all the amazing things that come with knowing, truly knowing, that I am HIS.
Last Sunday, I went to Lake Calhoun and just sat at the water's edge, looking out over the creation that my God had made. I was in awe of his handiwork. It's hard to explain. But it's similar to when you're looking at something someone you really love has made with their hands. It fills you with awe at their talent and makes you fall in love with them more because you see more of them through what they made because they have put little pieces of their soul into their art, and you see them. This is what I felt when I looked out over the water. I was falling more in love with the Creator of the beauty I saw.
I had such a sweet time with him that day. I had just led the first grade small group for the first time at church that morning, and the kids were on my heart. I wanted to pray for them and yet I felt that I had so much to process with God as well. I wasn't sure how I'd do both, but I picked up The One Year Praying Through the Bible for Your Kids by Nancy Guthrie that a sweet friend had bought for me at a women's' conference last semester. I smiled to myself. She bought it with my possibly someday potential future kids in mind, yet God knew that I would have these first graders in my life and that I would need it now.
The passages for that day were Ephesians 3:1-21, Isaiah 43:14-45:10, and Psalm 68:1-18. For some reason I got the idea to read through them and look for who God is and who I am in those passages.
I went through Ephesians 3 and looked for who I am. Then I went to Isaiah looking for who God is and then Psalms again looking for Him. I found so many, many names! I read through them and began to see the puzzle pieces fit. He is my Redeemer; I am a partaker of His promise. He is the Holy One; I am a temple of his power. He is the One who blots my sins; I am part of his pure bride. There were so many. I felt He was gently showing me who I was. And I was taking shelter under His wing from the storm of identities I put on myself based off what I assume other people see.
Return, O my soul, to your rest,
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For you have delivered my soul from death
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
Psalm 116:7-10
He was showing me what it was like to live, really live, in freedom. He was showing me the shackles I had put on myself and as the Truth of His words washed over me, I could feel myself being set free.
The night before I had been so touched by Pastor Jason's sermon on the woman who was healed by Jesus from the flow of blood. He said, "Don't call her 'the woman with the flow of blood.' That was not her identity. Jesus called her 'Daughter.'" My Father drew out my insecurities and fears as Pastor Jason spoke and the tears flowed silently as I listened. Afterwards, as he always does, he invited any who wanted to be prayed for to come to the front where he and others would be. I waited in line to ask him to pray for freedom from my fears and insecurities.
I thought of the woman, hiding back in the shadows, not daring to ask Jesus to be healed or even to touch him but only the hem of his garment. What faith. I was hopeful. I had faith. But did I have the courage? As I waited, I wrote in my journal. The words that came from the pen were words from my Father to me.
"Daughter, lift you head. You are no longer a slave to fear. You are Mine. Live in the love I have purchased for you. You are LOVED. Dearly. Do you know how much? I have given you an identity, an inheritance that will never perish nor fade. Oh, daughter. Come to me. You are weak. You tremble over many things, but do you know whose you are? Do you know who I am? I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have called you to a greater hope, kept in heaven for you. Daughter, I hold you in my hands. Don't be afraid to talk to Jason, my son. He loves me and he loves my sheep. He will take good care of you."
With those words, I stepped into the presence of a man who reminded me so much of Jesus that I felt like I was with God Himself. Such kindness, such compassion. Such tenderness, such love. I can't express what I felt. But that night, I went to sleep feeling content to wait on God to make a me into a woman whose character would attract a man like that, a man so much like Himself.
What shall I render to the Lord
for all of his benefits?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call upon the name of the LORD...
Psalm 116:12-13
This was just the start of a week that was filled with visions of freedom. My God filled it with visions of His love for me, visions of who I was and who He was. He filled me with identity I had been longing for since I came out of the serious relationship of last year. I had not known how much value I let that relationship give me until God took it away. It felt like I died. It still feels, at times, like I'm dying all over again... dying to myself for sure. But now He gives me grace to say, "Though you slay me, yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless Your name. Though You ruin me, still I will worship and sing a song to the One whose all I need." (From "Though You Slay Me" by Shane & Shane)
Father, You have filled me with songs. You are freeing me so that I can sing. You have not cast me away from Your presence; You have not taken your Holy Spirit from me. You are restoring to me the joy of my salvation and upholding me with a willing spirit. O Lord, You are opening my lips so that my mouth can declare your praise!
O Lord, I am your servant...
You have loosed my bonds.
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call upon the name of the LORD.
Psalm 116:16-17
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Dear Reader, do you know your full salvation? Jesus did not only call you to a life of dying to sin. This life of dying is a life of LIVING! As you live in dependence on the One whose blood bought your right to be with Jesus forever, He will show you the sweet side of dying. Just as He shows you how to be crucified with Him, the same power that rose Him from the dead will raise you from the depths of fear. I pray that the chains that hold you and me back from running into His arms and loving others freely will continually be loosed and that our tongues will be freed to sing His praise. He is stronger than anything that holds us captive!!!
