Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Until My Dying Breath

 When they see me, they've always seen strength I possess.
I feel I've let them down,
But I cannot pretend. 

 They try to help because they want to see me fight.
But what happens if I'm weak?
If I've lost the will to fight?

The battle is waging, yet I want no part.
It's between life and death,
But I just want to watch.

I don't have the will nor the courage to stand.
Sometimes it's there and then it's gone again.

What must I do now? You're all that I have left.
Sometimes I don't want you,
But I know I need your help.

I cannot be strong as they want me to be;
I cannot fight the way they wish;
But help me find strength in the way that you lead,
And teach me to fight until my dying breath.








Sunday, August 25, 2013

Más cerca de el Amanecer


Recuerdos y apariciones inundaron su cabeza
Como ella estranguló la almohada y se retorcía en su cama.
Angustia era el único sentimiento que sabía
hasta dudas descolocada y vio la muerte de la verdad.

Se abrió el camino para las mentiras del diablo,
Opacidad de la verdad y cegándola  ojos .
Podía sentir la envolvente oscuridad espesa la luz
Que ahora tenía dos opciones -. para dar o para luchar

Tenía tantas preguntas con respuestas que no se ven.
 Deseó que Dios iba a despertar y encontrar que un sueño.
Pero ella no se despertó, la oscuridad era real .
Y su peso a su oprimido hasta que fue obligado a arrodillarse.

Ella cedió ante la oscuridad y dejó escapar un grito
De ensordecedor silencio que pidió, "¿Por qué"
Ella se hundió en el terreno en culpas agonía,
Darse cuenta de que estaba peligrosamente cerca de la blasfemia.

Luego recordó la oración del salmista: O Señor, ¿hasta cuándo?
 Poniéndose de rodillas otra vez, ella le rogó a Dios,
E
lla le preguntó a un ángel para traer a los muertos la vida
Y después de esperar que no tiene respuesta, aceptó la noche. 

Sus lágrimas fluían como el Diablo susurró mentiras,
Pero ella luchó en las rodillas con gritos ahogados.
Sus palabras fueron tomadas de ella como si de un hechizo.
La única palabra que recordaba, se aferró a:. AYUDA.

Y aunque envió un ángel, La vio una gran angustia; .
El Espíritu oró por ella con gemidos que no podía expresar.
Fue entonces cuando los demonios salieron y su control no era tan fuerte
Fue entonces cuando la oscuridad se convirtió en un poco menos oscuro y más cerca de el amanecer.

Salmo 30:5
"El llanto puede durar una noche, pero la alegría viene con la mañana."



Romanos 8:26 "Y de igual manera el Espíritu nos ayuda en nuestra debilidad. No sabemos lo que debemos pedir, pero el Espíritu mismo intercede por nosotros con gemidos indecibles."

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Closer to the Dawn

Memories and apparitions flooded her head
As she strangled her pillow and writhed in her bed.
Anguish was the only feeling she knew
Until doubt creeped in and saw the death of truth.

It cleared a path for the Devil's lies,
Clouding the truth and blinding her eyes.
She could feel the thick blackness envelope the light.
She now had two choices -- to give in or to fight.

She had so many questions with answers unseen.
She wished to God she would wake up and find this only a dream.
But she did not wake up; the darkness was real,
And its weight oppressed her until she was forced to kneel.

She buckled under the blackness and let out a cry
Of ear-splitting silence that demanded, "WHY?"
She sunk to the ground in blame-shifting agony,
Realizing she was dangerously close to blasphemy.

She then recalled the Psalmist's prayer: Oh Lord, how long?
Struggling to her knees again, she pleaded with God;
She asked Him for an angel to bring the dead to life
And after waiting with no answer, she accepted the night. 

Her tears flowed as the Devil whispered lies,
But she fought on her knees with muffled cries.
Her words were taken from her as if by a spell.
The only word she remembered, she clung to: HELP.

And although He sent no angel, He saw her great distress;
The Spirit prayed on her behalf with groans she could not express.
It was then the demons left and their hold was not so strong.
It was then that the darkness became a little less dark and closer to the dawn.


Psalm 30:5
"Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning."


Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for,  but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Every Time You Run

At this stage in life, everything is changing. Friends are moving on, moving out, and at times it feels like my whole world is being turned upside-down. And I understand that these things are all normal; I mean, they have to happen sometime. But on top of all the normal changes, two very important people in my life are being taken away from me. My best friend who I talk to all the time and can tell anything to is moving to Washington for six month and  I won't be able to see my other friend that I care so much about and feel deeply connected to for who knows how long.

I look at these losses and part of me thinks that maybe God is trying to get a hold of me. It seems I have been drifting in and out of touch with Him and maybe He is just burning all my bridges so that I have no choice but to come running back to Him. Sometimes that seems like the only way I will listen. I can be so stubborn sometimes. All the time....

There are days even now that I look at my life and think, "What do I even have left?" All too often I forget that He's still there.

It's so hard sometimes... to feel that connection with Him that I used to have. It just feels like I keep running away from God and he keeps waiting for me to hit rock bottom until he pulls me back. And each time rock bottom feels a little bit lower.

I feel like the Prodigal Son a lot of the time( only I would be the Prodigal Daughter, which just sounds weird.) Sometimes I wonder if he would have ever left again after he came back to his Father and his home. I know the children of Israel certainly did. Again and again. And each time they had to come to the end of themselves before they realized how much they really needed God. That's where I feel I am right now.

I was looking over pages in my journal last night and was reminded of why God lets us get to the end of ourselves before he pulls us back up. Six months ago, I wrote these words: The lesson of learning to lean on God is so important that God is willing to let us get down so low that we despair even of life to learn it. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 "...We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.Even Paul went through times in his life that he felt were too difficult to bear and even he despaired of life. But through all of it he was made stronger. Not stronger in his own strength, but stronger in his faith as he learned how to better rely on God.

There will be days when I look at my life and think, "What do I have left?", but He will still be there. There will be days when I look at everything I've been through and only see the rock bottoms, but He still helped me through them.
And there will be days when I feel lower than I've ever been, but these are the days when He is teaching me to rely on Him more than ever.

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of the truths that never change and keep living with them in mind. Truths like:
My God is strong. My God does raise the dead. And my God stands with arms wide open, just like the Prodigal Son's Father, to receive me back no matter how many times I run.



"Every time you run, every time you hide
Every time it hurts, every time you cry
Every time you run away, every time you hide your face
And it feels so far away, I'm right here, with you."
~"Every time You Run
   Manafest




Monday, August 12, 2013

My Hope

I feel like somebody just died. In a way somebody did.

Today marks the death of many hopes and dreams. Well, I know they won't be dead for long. Somehow, hope always finds me again even when I bury it six feet deep. But this time, I feel like I should bury it. This hope feels dangerous.

But I still have another Hope.

"Put your hope in God
For I will yet praise him--
My Savior and my God."

"Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be strong and take heart.
And wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14

Friday, August 2, 2013

Feel Again

Numb, breathless, and dead to the core,
I used to think I could feel no more
Until you brought me back to life.

Your clear vision and contagious light,
Your endless passion and love of life
Slowly drew me out of my shell.

Suffocating lies and despair dispelled,
Lifelessness chased away from where I fell,
And all that was left was Peace.

Fully surrounded by sudden bliss,
I looked up to find the war had ceased.
I am indebted to you, for I can feel again.