Every Time You Run

At this stage in life, everything is changing. Friends are moving on, moving out, and at times it feels like my whole world is being turned upside-down. And I understand that these things are all normal; I mean, they have to happen sometime. But on top of all the normal changes, two very important people in my life are being taken away from me. My best friend who I talk to all the time and can tell anything to is moving to Washington for six month and  I won't be able to see my other friend that I care so much about and feel deeply connected to for who knows how long.

I look at these losses and part of me thinks that maybe God is trying to get a hold of me. It seems I have been drifting in and out of touch with Him and maybe He is just burning all my bridges so that I have no choice but to come running back to Him. Sometimes that seems like the only way I will listen. I can be so stubborn sometimes. All the time....

There are days even now that I look at my life and think, "What do I even have left?" All too often I forget that He's still there.

It's so hard sometimes... to feel that connection with Him that I used to have. It just feels like I keep running away from God and he keeps waiting for me to hit rock bottom until he pulls me back. And each time rock bottom feels a little bit lower.

I feel like the Prodigal Son a lot of the time( only I would be the Prodigal Daughter, which just sounds weird.) Sometimes I wonder if he would have ever left again after he came back to his Father and his home. I know the children of Israel certainly did. Again and again. And each time they had to come to the end of themselves before they realized how much they really needed God. That's where I feel I am right now.

I was looking over pages in my journal last night and was reminded of why God lets us get to the end of ourselves before he pulls us back up. Six months ago, I wrote these words: The lesson of learning to lean on God is so important that God is willing to let us get down so low that we despair even of life to learn it. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 "...We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."  Even Paul went through times in his life that he felt were too difficult to bear and even he despaired of life. But through all of it he was made stronger. Not stronger in his own strength, but stronger in his faith as he learned how to better rely on God.

There will be days when I look at my life and think, "What do I have left?", but He will still be there. There will be days when I look at everything I've been through and only see the rock bottoms, but He still helped me through them.
And there will be days when I feel lower than I've ever been, but these are the days when He is teaching me to rely on Him more than ever.

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of the truths that never change and keep living with them in mind. Truths like:
My God is strong. My God does raise the dead. And my God stands with arms wide open, just like the Prodigal Son's Father, to receive me back no matter how many times I run.



"Every time you run, every time you hide
Every time it hurts, every time you cry
Every time you run away, every time you hide your face
And it feels so far away, I'm right here, with you."
~"Every time You Run
   Manafest