Swimming Fearfully Courageous

Listen to me, you who purseue righteousness, you who seek the LORD: 

look to the rock from which you were hewn,

and to the quarry from which you were dug. 

Look to Abraham your father and to Sarah who bore you; 

for he was but one when I called him, that I might bless him and multiply him. 

For the LORD comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places

and makes her wilderness like Eden,

her desert like the garden of the LORD;

joy and gladness will be found in her, 

thanksgiving and the voice of song. 

Isaiah 51:1-3

This week, my Father comforted me with much truth. I feel at times like the place I'm in is a desert of surrender, but He is making my desert a garden. Where there is no joy and the ground is dry, I can hear the sound of rain in the distance. I know that He is coming like rain, and that He is restoring to me the joy of His salvation. Every morning, I ask, "Father, please give me joy today." But I know that even if He doesn't give me the feeling of joy, He is giving me more of Himself, which despite my feelings, I know is better by far. He is the strength of my heart. If it is the Lord Jesus who leads me, what do I fear?

This week, I was asking God to provide people to stand with me in my fight for joy. And He graciously has! He has brought me to my knees in this fight, and that is the best place to be -- where I see my need for Him so clearly! But oh, it's painful!

"Turn to me and be gracious with me as is your way with those who love your name. Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me." 

Psalm 119:33

The kind words of a friend reminded echo in my mind from this last week: "He's teaching me to be thankful for the storm." This is the place I want to be!

On Wednesday, I was really struggling with fear in surrender. I wrote out everything I was afraid of that day. It added up to a full page in my journal... I laid it out before God. Then I read the next section of Galatians for the day.

 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?" 

Galatians 4:6-9

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.... You were running well, Who hindered you from obeying the truth?...For you were called to freedom, brothers... through love serve one another. Galatians 5:1,7,13

My Father was slowly pulling away at layers of fear and showing me the freedom I already had from them. In showing me this freedom, He was getting to the root of my hesitation to surrender. "Do you love me enough to let even these pebbles go?"

Maybe I have built up this cage of fear and locked myself in it because I am not being still long enough to let truth really sink in deep. I tend to be rushed in my Father's presence, letting anxiety over the next class I am going to rule me. Oh Father, I want to CLING to the freedom You have purchased for me! FIX my eyes on the hope You have called me to!

Often times, when I am struggling with something, God will point me to a song that puts words to my situation and sheds light on darkness. This time the song that came to mind was "I won't Let You Go" by Switchfoot. He had ministered to me through that song last year, but the line that stood out this time was different: "Pain gives birth to the promise ahead." I realized that the pain of letting go, the pain of surrender, hurt so much because a new hope was being born. I was beginning to see the hope to which I have been called. (Ephesians 1:18)

Now my prayer was, "Father, as I let go of these pebbles and choose not to live like a slave, don't let me go! Let the sound of love, who I am in You be louder than the fear that I feel from the world! Give my heart courage, for I am weak! Yet I am willing to be weak if it means Your power will rest on me."

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Dear Reader, Truth will release you from your cage! When you are afraid, write out your fears. Lay them before God. He cares about them more than you can know. Then ask him to bring you to truth in His Word that does battle with your fears. I have confidence that He will! You have heard that "The truth will set you free," but have you seen that happen in your own life? It can! Our God is bigger than our fears. Swim in the ocean of His love with me! Even when we are fearful, we can be courageous; He holds us in His hands.

Inheritance

As I look back over my journals from this past week, I see there is a theme of love strong enough to free from bonds of fear and doubt, Hope that is greater than the hope that must die in surrender, and the Inheritance I have in place of what I lost. It's actually so crazy that all of these came together. I'm going to include parts of my journal because I think some of these things I wrote for my own soul may speak to your souls too.

Love strong enough
I am reading a little book "Note to Self" by Joe Thorn. It's so good... It has a specific passage of Scripture and then there is a letter to "self" that has so often spoken to exactly what I have been thinking after reading the passage of Scripture of thinking about the topic. This one was on love. This is a part of the letter that I wrote in my journal.

Dear self... You only know what love really is be looking to your Savior. And you learn it from him continually, not just once. You must daily go to the cross and see your Savior's love for the unlovable (that means you.)

Self, you need Jesus. You need him so badly. Oh soul, for your own sake, run to Jesus! He has all you need. In your surrender, he will give you joy, and in your pain there will be hope. Jesus, You are the King of my heart. Oh soul, stop trying to earn your Savior's love. You already have it. Stop trying to show him you are good enough; He was the one who sent his Son so that instead of seeing what He could only pour wrath on, when He looks at you he sees His Beloved. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself. He doesn't miss a thing. Stop trying to be more beautiful. The God of beauty does not make ugly things. Stop trying to be worthy of him. There is nothing in you that will ever be worthy enough, and that secures for you a certainty of love that you would never have if you were worthy. He loves you unconditionally! Dear soul, you are loved, and He calls you to live like it. He calls you to walk in freedom of the light of His love. He is worth it all! 

"We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not! For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose." Galatians 2:15-21

"Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith?... Abraham believed and it was counted to him as righteousness." Galatians 3:2, 6 Belief, in Your eyes, is righteousness because belief is only from your Father.

On Wednesday, my prayer was from an Audrey Assad's song, "From the chains of a lesser love, You say, 'Be free.' Liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos." Look up, oh soul! Be not trapped in this cage of doubt. Your world is small because you only look at yourself. Oh, but do you not see all around you? The cage has been lifted. You are not a slave any longer, you are His daughter. He calls you, and He says, "Mine." You don't have to keep reaching out through bars. You are no longer a slave to fear. Reach out all the way! Your God will meet you even as you seek to do what He has called you to. Oh, don't shackle yourself where there are no shackles!
Hope that is greater
On Friday, God gave me peace enough to fall into His everlasting arms more through the process of surrendering. I asked for a new song as I let go of my favorite pebbles. That morning, I reread Ephesians 1 that we had read in the devotional for Missions class the day before. Ephesians 1:18 stuck out to me. "... having the eyes of your heart enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe." What better verse could my Father have used to soothe my heart that ached at the thought of letting go of my hopes for the future? In this moment, He said to me that He Himself had called me to a Hope, that in Him I had riches of a glorious inheritance that was better than my plans for me, and that His power to free me from fear was immeasurable. What a good Father!

Now that He has given me the gift of faith to see this hope, my prayer is that, as I continue to die to myself in giving up my hopes, He would show me more of this greater Hope that will keep holding me fast.

Inheritance in place of what was lost
Yesterday, as I read the next section of Galatians in the morning, verse 26 and 29 of chapter 3 stuck out to me. "...for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith... And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise." Heirs according to promise... This was something I could hold onto, for yesterday and for all my days.

Despite all the pebbles my Father had asked me to drop into His ocean, all the hopes that had been consumed by fire, and all the hopes that must still be surrendered, He was showing me that He was my Inheritance. And how much sweeter is He than all the idols I bowed to before?


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Dear child of God, the Lord is your chosen portion and your cup; He holds your future. The lines have fallen for you in pleasant places; indeed, you have a beautiful Inheritance in Him. (Psalm 16:5-6) The Hope that He holds out for you in your surrender is more of Himself. Will you say no to this? Because His love is stronger than our fears, stronger than anything that may keep us from surrendering completely, let's go and live like we're loved. 

Songs the Holy Spirit brought to mind this week:
"You Speak" by Audrey Assad
"Welcome Home" by Dutton
"Live Like Your're Loved" Hawk Nelson

Not With Pebbles

EXPECTATIONS

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        |  }--------- DISAPPOINTMENT

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   REALITY

Ever feel the disparity?
I was convicted in this past week's sermon when Pastor Jason said that God's plans often seem to go against our expectations. Does this mean that I am often disappointed with God? For me, that is what it has meant lately. Although I don't like to admit it and I didn't see that in myself till that sermon, it was kind of God to show it to me.

When God's plans are not your plans, is it not so easy to just wish that He had the same agenda as you? To wish that he would take away pain when you wanted it to be taken away, to wish that he would give you a certain relationship sooner, even to wish that he would just hurry up in giving you contentment? Though the things we wish for may be good, when you see this impatience in yourself, does it not tell you something is wrong? Does not this impatience, even in having more of a hunger for God, which is one of the best desires you can have, undermine the process of waiting? The full surrender to God's time table? When we hold impatience, we steal from ourselves the joy of surrender. Surrender takes impatience's place when we lift up empty hands to God and ask Him to fill them with whatever He will, while also asking him for the strength to be thankful for whatever he gives us in his good plan and his good time. Impatience, discontentment, and lack of joy do not have to rule you. Did Jesus not die for even this?

God has been gently bringing me to a point of surrendering more and more radically things that I have held on to for a long time. A few nights ago, he gave me the peace I needed to completely give to him hopes for the future and thoughts that I had obsessed over for too long. I wrote a letter, surrendering specific dreams of mine to him and then burned it as I sang worship songs that re-calibrated my heart to trust. I needed that.

He had brought me to the pier overlooking his goodness and had asked me if I would let go of the pebbles I held on to, all of my plans and my dreams for me. I had looked out over his goodness and asked, "But Daddy, will I ever see these pebbles again?" 

He had said to me, "Daughter, I will never ask you to do anything that will not give you more of Me." 

"But Daddy, these are my favorite pebbles. I don't know what I will do without them." As I began to cry, he had lifted my chin to look into his gentle face, wiped my tears, and smiled. 

"Trust me, dear heart. I AM Enough."

Slowly, I had reached out my hand over the pier and dropped each pebble, one by one, into the vast ocean. Piece by piece, I had watched that letter burn. I knew that there were more pebbles in the bottom of the ocean and that inevitably there were better ones.

My Savior stepped into the water and reached out his hand to me. "You have chosen what is better. And now, with your hands that are empty of your idols, will you take my hand and explore My goodness?" Did it really matter that there may be better pebbles in his ocean? My Father had called me, me, to explore his goodness with him and I couldn't swim with pebbles. "Please, Daddy," I said. "I want to follow You." 

The last letters were consumed in the fire and as I sang, "Like a bride waiting for her groom, we'll be a church ready for you..." I rubbed the ashes of my surrender into the cement until there was not a single raised flake. I wanted to be rid of any desires that were keeping me from following my Savior out onto the water, keeping me from taking his hand and exploring his goodness. Tears mingled with ashes, and yet I felt a freedom. Freedom that I had longed for. I felt in my heart that Jesus was stronger than even my desires for anything but him. He was drawing his child to himself yet again.

Dear reader, surrender is harder than you can know and sweeter than you will ever be able to imagine. And your Savior calls you out into the water explore His goodness. What are the pebbles that keep you from taking his hand in full surrender? Believe, dear heart, that there is so much better in his ocean. But praise God, you will not make it to those better gifts until you have plumbed the depths of his goodness with him!