The Depths

In the Depths of the ocean

There is treasure to be found

But there are many dangers

In the Depths

When nothing can overcome

Panic and doubts

Sinking is inevitable

And must be accepted

The pressure of the water

Presses in on every side

The air is these lungs

Begins to seep out

The darkness gets darker

And swallows the light

That once shone on the treasure

And gave a way out

Nothing in this darkness

Can ever be seen

So illusions take the place

Of what is real

Dangers both real

And hallucinated

 Began to deface

The glory that healed

As time slips past

Memory melts away

Along with the life

The darkness stole

What was the treasure

And where was the way?

Was it up or down?

Was it worth it at all?

And there in the depths

Hanging in the balance

The soul loses hope

That once glowed with the Light

And finally here 

With the weight of His absence

Lower and lower

She sinks out of sight 

Come Home

You've turned away from those you love--
From all who still love you.
But broken hearts from lies made up
Still reach out to you.

You've turned away from Him you once found
To be both stars and sun.
You've turned to idols that won't fulfill
That deep need in you for Love.

You've gone through many things
In the years you've spent on eath.
You're tired and weak, and you feel used.
But to Him you still have worth.

And He reaches his hand to take you back;
All you have to do is take it.
Don't burn your bridge to the cross
Or your heart will never make it.

Your soul is most precious in our eyes,
And it's life is what we crave
Healing will come once again
If you take the antidote He gave.

His comfort and love are yours to receive.
Because you are His own.
He will to break the bondage you're in
If you would just come home.

Fast-Forward

Sometimes I wish there was a "Pause" button -- something I could push to postpone life so I could gather my thoughts.

Sometimes it seems like life goes altogether too fast. Each time I blink something new happens. Changes are everywhere, not only on the horizon as they used to be.

I guess the truth of the matter is there is a pause button, and I pushed it a long time ago... I was so scared of the changes, the decisions that I would have to make in the future that I simply put off thinking about them. This allowed me to enjoy life at it was in the moment, thinking of nothing else but the day to day aspects. I guess I knew that sooner or later life would play on its own once again, whether I pressed "Play" or not. My only surprise is that it happened sooner rather than later. And now I am left, without the luxury of another "Pause" button at my disposal, to undergo the changes and decisions I should have made long ago that are now happening in fast-forward. 

But I guess it's about time I face them. I can put them off no longer. I just pray God will help me in the fast-forward and forgive me for thinking I did not need his help in the slow-mo.

When my life was on pause I had all the time in the world to enjoy the here and now. And I did, to the best of my ability then. But hindsight is always 20/20, and now I see how I could have enjoyed it better. 

Beyond Her Walls

No one sees what goes on beyond her walls;
No one sees what's hidden behind her door.
She never lets them see her heart of flesh.
All they ever see is a face of stone.

But that doesn't mean she's not affected;
It just means she can hide it well.
They've never seen her inside those walls
Cause she can only be her when she's by herself.

As soon as the leave, her mask comes off,
And her face of stone crumbles away.
If she ever unmasked where they would see,
She'd constantly be raining on their parade.

No, she'd much rather be vulnerable when they're not around;
There's no one to probe when she's alone.
It's rare she finds someone who loves her and he scars;
Most just want to change her--even in her own home...

Running on Empty

Laughter, even joy may fill the day,

But in the end it means nothing.              

When he lies down to sleep at night

That emptiness is back again.                     

An emptiness he thought was gone

Still lingers night after night.                       

Night after night he wants something more

To ease the hurt and dull the pain.             

So he buries his problems in whatever he sees--

Nothing substantial; could be anything.  

And night after night when that dull wears away,

He can feel the sting even with closed eyes.  

And he’s found he can’t run; there’s nowhere to hide  

No matter what he does night after night.              Nothing helps the pain, nothing dries his eyes

At the end of each day, he’s still empty inside.

Not Who I Was

Well, I made a change. I colored my hair blue. Okay, not completely, just the tips that I had bleached. I bleached my bangs too. I've been needing a physical change for a long time to represent the changes inside of me ever since the past few months. Now I finally have one.

The new color (my friends think it's green, smh) reminds me that I'm not the same person i was. I'm not sure whether this is a sign of good changes or bad... It's hard to tell. I guess time will tell.



In these past few months, I've made a new best friend and lost them all in the space of two weeks, I've traveled the world (well, almost), I've gotten my driver's license, my first REAL job, started college, made new friends, and experienced heartache and emotional turmoil like nothing I've ever felt. Yep, A LOT has happened in the last few months. It's been a wonderful, terrible summer.

I'm glad I finally have something physical to represent it all. It seems right somehow that my appearance be changed too. After all, "I'm not who I was."

Walls of Ice

Do I dare say what I am feeling at this moment?
Do I dare speak my mind?
Maybe I should wish away these feelings
And hide what remains deep inside.

But this is against all I've ever known,
These feelings are all new to me.
I'd be lying to say nothing was wrong;
The war inside is making me bleed.

The scariest thing is the thought of losing
Everything that I need to keep.
But when it comes right down to the choosing,
I’m not sure sure what or who I want it to be.

Peace no longer rules;
I feel this heart growing cold.
I’ve built the walls so high
That even I cannot tear them down.

All I can do is plead
With someone else to get me out,
Melt these walls of stone-cold ice
And break through the barriers of hopeless doubt.

Until My Dying Breath

 When they see me, they've always seen strength I possess.
I feel I've let them down,
But I cannot pretend. 

 They try to help because they want to see me fight.
But what happens if I'm weak?
If I've lost the will to fight?

The battle is waging, yet I want no part.
It's between life and death,
But I just want to watch.

I don't have the will nor the courage to stand.
Sometimes it's there and then it's gone again.

What must I do now? You're all that I have left.
Sometimes I don't want you,
But I know I need your help.

I cannot be strong as they want me to be;
I cannot fight the way they wish;
But help me find strength in the way that you lead,
And teach me to fight until my dying breath.

Más cerca de el Amanecer

Recuerdos y apariciones inundaron su cabeza
Como ella estranguló la almohada y se retorcía en su cama.
Angustia era el único sentimiento que sabía
hasta dudas descolocada y vio la muerte de la verdad.

Se abrió el camino para las mentiras del diablo,
Opacidad de la verdad y cegándola  ojos .
Podía sentir la envolvente oscuridad espesa la luz
Que ahora tenía dos opciones -. para dar o para luchar

Tenía tantas preguntas con respuestas que no se ven.
 Deseó que Dios iba a despertar y encontrar que un sueño.
Pero ella no se despertó, la oscuridad era real .
Y su peso a su oprimido hasta que fue obligado a arrodillarse.

Ella cedió ante la oscuridad y dejó escapar un grito
De ensordecedor silencio que pidió, "¿Por qué"
Ella se hundió en el terreno en culpas agonía,
Darse cuenta de que estaba peligrosamente cerca de la blasfemia.

Luego recordó la oración del salmista: O Señor, ¿hasta cuándo?
 Poniéndose de rodillas otra vez, ella le rogó a Dios,
E
lla le preguntó a un ángel para traer a los muertos la vida
Y después de esperar que no tiene respuesta, aceptó la noche. 

Sus lágrimas fluían como el Diablo susurró mentiras,
Pero ella luchó en las rodillas con gritos ahogados.
Sus palabras fueron tomadas de ella como si de un hechizo.
La única palabra que recordaba, se aferró a:. AYUDA.

Y aunque envió un ángel, La vio una gran angustia; .
El Espíritu oró por ella con gemidos que no podía expresar.
Fue entonces cuando los demonios salieron y su control no era tan fuerte
Fue entonces cuando la oscuridad se convirtió en un poco menos oscuro y más cerca de el amanecer.

Salmo 30:5
"El llanto puede durar una noche, pero la alegría viene con la mañana."


Romanos 8:26 "Y de igual manera el Espíritu nos ayuda en nuestra debilidad. No sabemos lo que debemos pedir, pero el Espíritu mismo intercede por nosotros con gemidos indecibles."

Closer to the Dawn

Memories and apparitions flooded her head
As she strangled her pillow and writhed in her bed.
Anguish was the only feeling she knew
Until doubt creeped in and saw the death of truth.

It cleared a path for the Devil's lies,
Clouding the truth and blinding her eyes.
She could feel the thick blackness envelope the light.
She now had two choices -- to give in or to fight.

She had so many questions with answers unseen.
She wished to God she would wake up and find this only a dream.
But she did not wake up; the darkness was real,
And its weight oppressed her until she was forced to kneel.

She buckled under the blackness and let out a cry
Of ear-splitting silence that demanded, "WHY?"
She sunk to the ground in blame-shifting agony,
Realizing she was dangerously close to blasphemy.

She then recalled the Psalmist's prayer: Oh Lord, how long?
Struggling to her knees again, she pleaded with God;
She asked Him for an angel to bring the dead to life
And after waiting with no answer, she accepted the night. 

Her tears flowed as the Devil whispered lies,
But she fought on her knees with muffled cries.
Her words were taken from her as if by a spell.
The only word she remembered, she clung to: HELP.

And although He sent no angel, He saw her great distress;
The Spirit prayed on her behalf with groans she could not express.
It was then the demons left and their hold was not so strong.
It was then that the darkness became a little less dark and closer to the dawn.

Psalm 30:5
"Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning."

Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for,  but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Every Time You Run

At this stage in life, everything is changing. Friends are moving on, moving out, and at times it feels like my whole world is being turned upside-down. And I understand that these things are all normal; I mean, they have to happen sometime. But on top of all the normal changes, two very important people in my life are being taken away from me. My best friend who I talk to all the time and can tell anything to is moving to Washington for six month and  I won't be able to see my other friend that I care so much about and feel deeply connected to for who knows how long.

I look at these losses and part of me thinks that maybe God is trying to get a hold of me. It seems I have been drifting in and out of touch with Him and maybe He is just burning all my bridges so that I have no choice but to come running back to Him. Sometimes that seems like the only way I will listen. I can be so stubborn sometimes. All the time....

There are days even now that I look at my life and think, "What do I even have left?" All too often I forget that He's still there.

It's so hard sometimes... to feel that connection with Him that I used to have. It just feels like I keep running away from God and he keeps waiting for me to hit rock bottom until he pulls me back. And each time rock bottom feels a little bit lower.

I feel like the Prodigal Son a lot of the time( only I would be the Prodigal Daughter, which just sounds weird.) Sometimes I wonder if he would have ever left again after he came back to his Father and his home. I know the children of Israel certainly did. Again and again. And each time they had to come to the end of themselves before they realized how much they really needed God. That's where I feel I am right now.

I was looking over pages in my journal last night and was reminded of why God lets us get to the end of ourselves before he pulls us back up. Six months ago, I wrote these words: The lesson of learning to lean on God is so important that God is willing to let us get down so low that we despair even of life to learn it. 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 "...We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."  Even Paul went through times in his life that he felt were too difficult to bear and even he despaired of life. But through all of it he was made stronger. Not stronger in his own strength, but stronger in his faith as he learned how to better rely on God.

There will be days when I look at my life and think, "What do I have left?", but He will still be there. There will be days when I look at everything I've been through and only see the rock bottoms, but He still helped me through them.
And there will be days when I feel lower than I've ever been, but these are the days when He is teaching me to rely on Him more than ever.

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of the truths that never change and keep living with them in mind. Truths like:
My God is strong. My God does raise the dead. And my God stands with arms wide open, just like the Prodigal Son's Father, to receive me back no matter how many times I run.



"Every time you run, every time you hide
Every time it hurts, every time you cry
Every time you run away, every time you hide your face
And it feels so far away, I'm right here, with you."
~"Every time You Run
   Manafest

My Hope

I feel like somebody just died. In a way somebody did.

Today marks the death of many hopes and dreams. Well, I know they won't be dead for long. Somehow, hope always finds me again even when I bury it six feet deep. But this time, I feel like I should bury it. This hope feels dangerous.

But I still have another Hope.

"Put your hope in God
For I will yet praise him--
My Savior and my God."

"Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be strong and take heart.
And wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:14

Feel Again

Numb, breathless, and dead to the core,
I used to think I could feel no more
Until you brought me back to life.

Your clear vision and contagious light,
Your endless passion and love of life
Slowly drew me out of my shell.

Suffocating lies and despair dispelled,
Lifelessness chased away from where I fell,
And all that was left was Peace.

Fully surrounded by sudden bliss,
I looked up to find the war had ceased.
I am indebted to you, for I can feel again.

When Giving Up Is All We Want

Have you ever gotten to a point in life where you are just tired--tired of the frailties, the heartache, the sin in this life; tired of chasing after something and then seeing it slip through your fingers, tired of drinking out of broken cisterns,  just tired of being tired?

I'll be honest. That's where I am... again. I went through this stage a while ago when the heartaches happened, and now I'm here again, if nothing else, because they remain unresolved. It seems that no one but me still needs closure. Some people break other people's hearts, even have their own hearts broken and then just keep living like nothing happened. I will never understand this.

I need closure.

I need to be able to close a chapter in my life before I open a new one. If I don't, I live with the vain hope that I will be able to go back to that chapter, no matter how impossible I know that is.

But one thing I've learned from living is that sometimes, you have to leave one chapter unresolved when you go into the next. Sometimes you just have to trust the One who writes the book and leave it at that. And sometimes the only thing that keeps you going is the Peace that you pray for Him to give you every day. Even when that Peace doesn't come, you keep living. You keep living because you know that's what He wants you to do. What kind of witness would it be if you gave up on the life that He gave you?

And on those days where all you want to do is give up, to end this miserable life and have rest from it all, you pray with every fiber in your being that He will keep you strong. All of us know that without God, we could not live. But for some of us, this knowledge is closer to home.... because we feel it every day.

Every day, we get up and feel our need for Him and we know He's there because without Him, we wouldn't still be alive. We are living proof that HE IS REAL.  And we cling to His reality the way some cling to their lives because for us, He IS Life.

By Renee M. Coyer
http://www.creativeheartsforthee.com/renees-art-work.html

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak. 
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Strong Arms

Everyone needs a hug once in a while. But when things are going on in your life that you just aren't sure about and you don't know how they could possibly turn out for the better, you need something more. Right now, I feel like I need Someone strong to hold me.

I have been held in the past... a long time ago. But the strength in those arms was meaningless. That strength couldn't really protect me, couldn't really make everything better; that strength had no control. Yet I was desperate to feel safe. So desperate I settled for a false sense of security. 

I know I have looked for security in the wrong places, and yet it seems that I can't help but keep looking there. I don't know how many times I have wished that Jesus would wrap me up in his arms and let me cry in His lap. If I had one wish, I would ask for nothing more. There's something about being held in physical arms that nothing can compare to. But I know I won't get that privilege until I'm in Heaven. 

His perfect Peace will have to be what I rest in until then.

Songs I can Relate To: "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North (Love Letter)

Love letters are not written as much as they used to be, which is a shame. But when they are, they are that much more special. Think about the person you love most sending you a love letter. That would most likely be the best thing you have ever received, wouldn't it?

This song is a love letter written from God's perspective. Now he didn't say these exact words in the Bible, but this song is full of Bible truths! Jesus is asking us as His bride to be faithful to Him, to give Him all of our troubles and to not go looking for other "lovers" to satisfy.

Every time I listen to this song, I imagine Jesus standing in front of me with arms held out, ready to take me back even after all of my unfaithfulness to Him. His Love. Is. AMAZING!

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need

And give me your life
The lust and the lies
And the past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me, yeah

You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need

I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh, come running home to me, yeah

You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me, yeah

You've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life

You're my beloved lover
I'm yours
And Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
My love it unites us and it binds you to me
It's a mystery.

"Beloved"
Tenth Avenue North
www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk‎

Songs I Can Relate To: "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

I would like to just come right out and say that trusting God is hard. It's something that we as humans have to struggle with because we would love to be in control of our own lives. (Thankfully we are not though!)

This is a song that I have been able to identify with over the past few months. It's a beautiful prayer that touches me somewhere deep inside every time I hear it. It's called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn