What I Am Longing For

I wake up in the mornings not wanting to see the light of day, wishing I could stay under the covers one more hour. I hit snooze for 10 minutes and wake up a second time feeling the same thing. This may happen a few times before I actually find the mental strength to get out of bed. What is this? I am normally glad to be alive... I think of class and my mind races ahead to what's in store for that day, and I just... don't want to face it. I know that I will be confronted with my own sinful heart in the classroom as I realize the thoughts I am thinking of others. I know the feelings I will get toward my homework which consistently fall so short of the glory of God. I know that my deep heart's longings won't be met in the classroom or afterwards. I know that out of my bed is the last place I want to be. The sheets and comforter seem much more appealing than anything the world has to offer.

I want something, and this strongly. I want someone who will be with me all the time, do homework with me, walk with me to school, someone whose love and affection I know I have without having to fight for it, someone who knows they have mine. I want someone who is faithful and true, who won't leave my side for something better that shows itself on their radar, someone whose word I can trust. I would say this perfectly describes Jesus, except that it is an actual person whom I can see that I long for. Someone whose arm I can feel on my shoulder when times are hard, who I don't have to imagine having some day in heaven. I don't really know if who I'm longing for is a real person... The idea that what I most want is not even a realistic desire cuts deep and makes the depression bleed more. Jesus, why can You not fill this longing I have? And since you can't, does that mean it is idolatrous? Oh, may it not be so... I know not what else to long for sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, this past month has made me long for heaven in a way I didn't know was earthly possible or at least somewhere in the back of my mind hoped it wasn't. This is because it is the kind of longing that only culminates in having the joy you long for, and the thought that the time at which I will finally be there and see Him is unknown is simply unbearable. It is the kind of longing pictured when you miss the one you love most dearly yet are not able to be with them because they are an ocean away. The only hope one has at that point is to look forward with great anticipation to the day when you will finally be with them again, and you count the days. This is what my heart feels when I long to see Jesus, and yet there are no days to count. I am simply left with the empty longing, it seems.