Process

January 29, 2018______________________________________________

Big decisions. Do I go or do I stay? Which would give me more of you, Jesus?

I came to this school to get more of you. Shall I leave this semester or for good to have more still? Your plans are not making sense. How am I to read all of this? 

As I was flipping through the Bible today, I came across many Scriptures that had been underlined. The first I came across made me cry. Psalm 42 was reading me. I was looking into the mirror and seeing myself. God was putting words on my deepest feelings. 

"When can I go and meet with God?" Had I not been feeling that for the past few days? Unlike any other time, I think in my life, I am just so overwhelmed with a hunger for truth, a hunger to know Him, really know Him. I am hungry -- insatiably. And yet, when I meet Him in the morning, I feel my hour and 20 minutes is taken up getting warmed up. I want to have more than that every day. I want to really dig deeper in His word. I want to learn how to dig deeper in His word. I want someone to teach me. I want to spend my days sitting in His presence and drinking Him in. I don't know how to think about this, but I feel that even my Bible school is distracting me from Him, taking me away from His presence. My heart is not in my work -- I feel I leave my heart at His feet when I walk out the door to go to class.

I realize that He says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord and not for men, since you know you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Jesus Christ you are serving" (Colossians 3:23-24). But how -- someone tell me how -- am I supposed to work with all my heart at something I have little desire to do? How do I know whether the lack of desire is my sinful nature or if it is God telling my soul that I truly need more of directly Him? When a person is sick, they don't ask someone else to go to the doctor for them. No, that would be absurd. They go themselves. What if I would get most direct healing from sitting at His feet for hours a day in His Word, prayer, and placing myself under the faucet of truth in sermons and articles that would speak truth to my situation directly? Then, what if I had an outlet of work or volunteer in which I had contact with non-believers that I could pour this love out onto? Then, in the coming semesters, I would be able to sustain these relationships I had started building so that my bubble was not all Bethlehem.  Hmm.

God, what is the answer? 

What is stopping you from choosing dropping, right now? Good question. I think part of it is the uncertainty of implications for schooling in the next year, unwanted delay, and not knowing whether it is me escaping. This can be solved by hammering out the details with Travis and asking God if the delay is necessary to be patient through. I know the reason I don't want the delay is because it will mean that much farther from going overseas or figuring out what that looks like, and that much farther from settling down with a husband... not that there is anyone on the horizon now other than Wishful Thinking, and not that God couldn't bring someone along before then. But also, I don't know what His plan is as far as time line or whether I should even get married... also the fact that my dad is not convinced yet is huge. If he has a reason for not being convinced, there may be validity in it. Or is it just that I haven't explained myself well?

Apply: Talk to Travis & ask God to search my heart and de-weed it of escapism that is not escaping into Him & wait for Kirsten and Barb to talk to my dad.

What is stopping you from choosing staying in the school as is? Why not just stay and stick it out? Hm, another good question. You're good at this. I think what is stopping me is that if there is a way to get unstuck while I am investing so much time in school, I haven't found it yet. I am SO hungry for the Word, I don't want to leave His presence in the mornings. In fact, I am scared to. I am scared to go to class. He always helps me, but I always feel so far from Him in class, especially Missions. I feel I cannot breathe easy again until after I am out and can be with God. Almost like the classroom is devoid of Him, a cage in which I cannot feel His presence. 

Why is that?... That troubles me and yet I don't know how to find answers. Maybe time would help and someone exploring it with me? I have not asked anyone because as soon as I am done with class I escape to my house, away from that feeling of far-ness from my God, away from that dreaded place that I must go back to in a few days. And yet it is not nearly as dreaded as it was last semester. Is it getting better? Or will it get worse...? 

Either way, I am SO hungry for Truth, like I have been starved all semester. I want to read the Bible. I want someone to teach me how to read by reading it with me. I'm tired of being given fish that others catch but when it comes to me fishing for myself, I don't always know if I'm doing it right. I want a mentor who will spend intentional time each week to disciple me in reading and finding other truth for my heart's problems and knowing how to discern how God wants me to heal.

Another reason I would rather not stay is honestly, the presentations. I have 6 this semester, and I am quite terrified of them. I realize I am more terrified than I should be. While I don't want to make a decision out of fear, I also wonder whether it might be worth spending intentional time digging into this and seeing where my view of myself in God's eyes has gone seriously wrong and why presenting in front of others is the absolute last thing I want to do this semester, even though I had 4 presentations last semester and it seemed to help me get over my fear. I feel more afraid this time. Is this a fear I should push through or dig underneath so that it is easier to push through later? 

February 1___________________________________

In the past few days, I have to admit that I have felt a strong call in my very soul. I think what I'm sensing is a call to be with Him more. It is very strong and I am beginning to feel that God is calling me away form the busy everyday life to come away with him on a three-day trip in the wilderness in order to sacrifice my idols. I feel that it is mine to say to my school, "Stay here while I and my idols go over there. I will worship and then I will come back to you, alone."

Or it is like 2 Chronicles 15:8. "...he took courage. He removed the detestable idols from the whole land of Judah and Benjamin and from the towns he had captured in the hills of Ephraim. He repaired the altar of the LORD that was in front of the portico of the LORD's temple." Only this is me. "And she took courage. She removed the detestable idols from the land of her heart, from the deepest corners that the LORD had captured in the darkness. She repaired the altar of the LORD that was once on the forefront of the temple of her mind." 

I feel Jesus calling me, almost as strongly as I felt Him calling me to this school, I feel him calling me away... for a time. 

Yesterday, in chapel, Dr. DeRouchie said a few words that really caught my attention. He was taking about the fear of the Lord and what gets in the way. But as he said four sentences in particular, I felt God gently saying, "You should write this down. This is for you." I quickly wrote it down. DeRouchie said, "Feel your dependence on God, your neediness, and run to it. This is for your good that it may go well with you in the future. This is about love. This is because He loves you." I had asked Him to speak to me through chapel, and I felt that He had. If He wanted me to run toward my dependence on Him and not away from it, what did that mean for the rest of my life? What would running toward that dependence look like? I didn't know, but I felt Him calling me. 

Exodus 34:14 says, "For you will worship no other God; for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." If He is jealous for His children, will he not do anything it takes to tear down the idols in their hearts and lead them to seeing that He is not in His rightful place on the throne of their hearts? I believe that's what this is about. It is about love. He is doing this because He loves me. It may not come at an opportune time, humanly speaking, but does His discipline ever? Maybe a better question... does my sin ever? 

What will embracing my dependence on Him look like? I have been thinking about this for the past few days. I feel He has given me some ideas. 

1) He has put in me a deep hunger, beyond any I remember having before, to read His Word, for the first time with enlightened eyes that see Him as worthy of my life. I want to do this with a mentor who can answer any questions I have and teach me how to fish so that I can read the Bible better on my own.

2) Along with this, He reminded me that the Bible Project has videos about each of the books in the Bible that I can watch to gain more of an understanding for each of them. Maybe watching them all for a flyover would be helpful before I dive into each one more deeply. 

3) The author of one of my Missions books said, "Experience without reflection is not necessarily educational." This leads me to believe that making it a point to journal intentionally and much in this season as I reflect on what God has done in my life at BCS so far, and is doing in this season now will be helpful and life-giving. A lot of my life has not made sense lately. I know God is a purpose-Giver, and I want to find out what his purposes are. 

4) I want to specifically address in prayer and journaling questions that will help me in life after this season of reflection such as, "Why do I not feel God's presence in class? Is it because He is calling me away from this school? Is it my own sin? Is it something else?"  "How has my past relationship gotten his place back so high on the throne of my heart? What will it take for me to surrender him fully?" "What does it look like to fear the LORD, really fear Him?"

5) I want to establish healthy social patterns. I want to be more intentional about friendships, re-starting the prayer group I was part of last semester, re-starting the weekly singing times with my friend, re-starting a regular study night or at least once a week where I know I will study with people and I can look forward to it, and at least once a week where I will just intentionally have fun and let myself wonder at life. 

6) Apply for the Nurture program -- finally! And begin to intentionally read the books they assign. This is all on my own time, so I can take time and soak it all in!

7) Seek counsel on the Degree Completion Program, whether that would be a better fit, whether I should complete my time in my program first and go on to Master's, or if God has another plan... and pray... what does God want me to do?

8) Seek counsel and pray about whether to join Sam Choi's church... Set up meeting with Sam and his wife? Find out about how I can join their Sunday night intentional groups to see what their vision for their church is like.

I think God has been breaking me down in the past year and a half at BCS. And now I feel a strong call. He wants to bind me back up. He has been continually ripping away my idols from my hands, relationships I put too much hope in, the life of a friend, my grandpa... to show me the weakness and frailness and uncertainty of life; the hope I put into a past relationship, the longing I had to be loved by someone else in the emptiness I felt after him. He has been showing me the emptiness of my broken cisterns in the desert and has been leading me to His oasis that never runs dry, that I may learn again to treasure Him and how much He loves me. 

"Therefore I am not going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of [Trouble] a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. 'In that day,' declares the LORD, 'I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked." Hosea 2:14-17 

"Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal is; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us know, let us press on to know the LORD. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3 

I have been in the desert so long. I have been fighting heavy war with the Enemy for so long... I'm tired. My Savior says his yoke is easy and his burden is light. He promises rest for my weary soul. Whenever I think of school, I realize that, more than anything, in this season, instead of the education pointing me to God, I actually feel it is distracting me from Him. Why? I need to find out. I want to weed out anything that is distracting me. If I am hungry, I MUST run after Him, while the Spirit yet speaks! Far be it from me to quench Him till I can hear Him no longer... even if that means putting on pause what I felt He called me to do to begin with... 

God, I don't know what you are doing. I don't know what to think. I don't know what I will do after the summer. I just know that BCS is not what I expected, that I am hungry for more of YOU, for more classes where I am taught to read the Bible and open it more in class apart from devotionals. I came for the foundation under my feet so that when I go through hard times, what I learn about God in class will actually strengthen me instead of be an extra burden. Maybe You are calling me away, to get Your perspective on it all to prepare me for a change in direction. But even if it is simply to heal me and give me more of You, I want to trust you know what You're doing. 

I will follow. I will walk by faith. Just hold my hand.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1Ljl32SqRc "Throne Room"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeXtXYantIc "Linger"