If I were to truly look into this face, and not into a picture frame, I know I would see something completely different. Maybe I would see an empty stare with empty eyes that seem to gaze past me. Or maybe I would see the hardened expression from a broken heart past forgotten. Either way, these eyes would not hold the same loving expression they do now.
If I look into these eyes long enough, all the memories come flooding back -- memories of our past friendship, memories of good times together, memories of the care-free days.... and I am left to wonder, what changed?
So many emotions overwhelm me when this face is put before me. This face, to me, is a past unresolved, a chapter not yet completed, a tragic story with no real ending. I have written a thousand words, cried a thousand tears over this face... and yet... I still feel the same. Empty. Always looking for a substitute to fill his place.
When will this end?
And yet, at the same time, he has not been a part of my life for so long that many things have changed without him. He has been gone so long that he can no longer claim he knows me -- nor I him. And because of that, even if he did come back into my life now, I am not sure what I would do because I know we cannot just start where we left off. Even if we could, I don't know that I would want to. Part of me wants to hold on to a bitterness against him... a bitterness for his walking out of my life, a bitterness for his leaving me alone after all those promises that he would never do such a thing. So honestly, I don't know where I stand anymore. I guess somewhere in the middle between wanting him back and keeping him as far away from me as possible.
These eyes that used to say everything so clearly, that once revealed to me the secrets of the universe are now clouded over and dim. He is a stranger once again, and who knows whether he will ever be anything more than a thing of the past.
Trust me Clair, letting go of someone, especially a specific someone and not just a lot of people, is not easy. There are a some key things to remember though...
ReplyDeleteGod knows what you go through and knows that this decision, however difficult it may be, is bearable. He never gives us too much to bear.
I also think that every situation is different. I don't know yours, but for me, it had a lot to do with trusting my parents, which took me months to figure out. =( Always seek your parents counsel, as they've been through similar scenarios as yours.
Above all, try to remember that a lot of things here on earth won't matter once you're on 'the other side'. We cope with things now, and it shall be lifted once we are finally with our Heavenly Father.
Hope I could be an encouragement. =)
Good advice. I often say the verse about God not giving us more than we can bear to myself because it can be hard to believe sometimes... especially after what has happened.
ReplyDeleteMine doesn't really have to do with trusting my parents so much as with trusting God, but my parents have been involved in what's happened. The thing is, at a certain point, people think that enough time has past and that you should be over what happened so they stop asking. And when they stop asking, I stop telling. It's really hard for me to open up to them just because..
Thank you for what you said about things being easier 'on the other side.' I often forget to look at my situations through Heaven's eyes. And I know that is what we as Christians are supposed to be doing.
Your very welcome. I strive to be an encouragement in any situation possible (as you saw in my blog post, When Music Touches My Heart).
DeleteKeep up the writing Miss! I think you'll be a blessing to someone!
Speaking of which, I may steal that idea of posting songs that mean a lot to me. Music is very powerful. Why not share it and use it for good!
DeleteI will keep writing! I look forward to when you start writing again too. You have a way of making your life lessons into mini sermons that help others. Really cool!